I'd feel sorry for her if it wasn't so funny...

So, if you remember correctly Pepper is back. She is fatter than ever, so I don't feel bad about not feeding her for the last 1&1/2 years. She broke my bird feeder to gain more access to the food and continually looks at me through the window as if to say: "What? I have every right to be here, it's MY food!" Today my sons case manager came over to discuss the lack of communication between us and his school, as well as the lack of a divorce!!! I pointed out Pepper to her as we sat on the couch discussing how best to help my son.

Have I ever told you how much I love our case manager? Cause I do. She is awesome, she has helped us so much and has a twisted sense of humor like I do. She remarked on how fat Pepper's butt is then quietly got up and moved by the window. This was done while Pepper had a mouth full of seeds being deposited in her hiding place. (BTW- she's not very smart because I watch her hide them so I know where they are.....does that mean Pepper could be a man?). So, the case manager hid out of sight from Pepper as she made her way back for more food. As soon as she jumped onto the feeder our case manager jumped in front of the window, banged on it and screamed the house down. That squirrel flew so far and so fast I think it evolved into a flying squirrel.... I almost peed my pants from the shock and hilarity of the moment. (Seriously...had NO idea she was going to do that!)

Pepper is back

I decided enough time had gone by that I would fill the bird feeder again. I mean, how long do squirrels live anyway? Don't they at least move on when the gravy train leaves the station?

I guess not, maybe the recession has hit the wildlife population? Anyway, I can spend the rest of the year pondering these issues, but I don't have the energy.

Needless to say I decided to put bird seed in the bird feeder again to help out the birds this winter season. The only thing coming to my feeder is Pepper the squirrel. Not only is she eating all the food...she decided se wanted better access to said bird food. Every visit to the feeder also has her looking in the window, I'm really not sure if she's laughing at me or thanking me...hmmm.

Granted the feeder is old- 10 years old to be exact- but still....she tore the top off. I give up. Do I continue to feed the squirrel? Or get rid of the feeder? (Actually I'll be getting rid of the feeder anyway, I mean it IS broken.)

Putting up the Christmas tree

I put up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. I have for as long as I can remember, then I take it down the day after Christmas.

This year, my son and I were excited about decorating the tree together. I dragged up the box and all the trimmings from the basement- a major pain in the backside...- and set about the process of sorting through the branches by size. See, I have a fake tree--the same one I've had for 14 years. One thing I can tell you is that fake trees do not last a life time.

Last year my tree started to show signs of tree Leprosy (I'm not sure if that's a real thing or not but branches started falling off when I'd touch them) I decided I could get one more year out of this tree. Well, this is definitely the LAST year I use this tree. I had at least one branch fall off every piece I touched- it's looking pretty sad.

So I spent an hour fluffing out limbs and branches, chaffing my hands almost raw. I ended up sneezing and my nose running like a sieve for hours after, but I'm happy to do it year after year. It's a labor of love. When I finished putting the tree together, I started in on the lights. This is the worst part of the holiday season as far as I'm concerned. I spend hours untangling the strands of lights ( I subscribe to the "thousand points of light" theory when it comes to the Christmas tree) and stringing them up on the tree, weaving in and out of every single branch of the tree. There is literally a thousand little white lights on my tree. It looks beautiful, all ready for my son to jump off the couch and actually help put all the ornaments in one small section of the tree (his idea, not mine....I'm a little too OCD to be happy with the ornaments not evenly distributed over the tree....I will be quietly redistributing over the next couple of days)

So....tree is lit.....ready for ornaments.....just need to slide the tree over a couple inches to where it belongs for the next month.....CRASH!!!! The stand broke....tree fell over....no hope of fixing the stand. --this is where we insert LOTS of almost swears...almost because my son was in the room-- I picked up the tree...propped it up and the boy and I went to the store for a tree stand.

By the time we arrived home I needed my son to make sure the tree stayed upright as I lifted the tree out of the broken stand and into the new stand. It was my miracle that I was actually got the tree into the new stand. My son and I decorated the tree. It looks pretty good for being squashed flat (a couple of times, but whose counting). I doubt I could make the tree last another year even if I really wanted to now.

It certainly was an experience....not one I ever want to repeat....but an experience none the less. When do you put up your tree? If you have one that is.

The JOKE

While enjoying my cousins wedding (when I wasn't being scarred by my male family members) I walked up to my brother, a male cousin, and a friend of the family- one of my uncles best friends. They shooed me away as I got close and then all looked embarrassed and chuckled a little.

After, the family friend came over to apologize and explain that he had been telling a "man joke". Now, he was quite inebriated at the time, which was quite amusing to watch. Here is as close as I can get to the conversation that followed.

I will warn you now that in this reselling of the conversation I will be sharing the "man joke". So step away now and avert your eyes if you don't like inappropriate jokes.

P: sorry, I was telling a MAN joke, it has ladies genitalia, alcohol and a little anal in it. I can't tell these kinds of jokes in front of women because they are "man jokes".

Me: that's ok, I figured it was something like that.

P: well, I'm drunk enough that I could probably tell it to you if you wanted to hear it.

Me: ok, it's up to you but I don't offend easily and have heard some pretty bad jokes in my time...

P: no, I can't tell you. It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it. I'd be too embarrassed.

Me: ok

P: well, if you're sure you won't be offended......I can't believe I'm telling you this...it's a man joke. It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it.

Me: it's up to you P.

P: ok, a man walks into a bar...are you sure you want to hear this? It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it...

Me: it's fine P. you've started now...you have to finish.

P: so the man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender says sure thing and sets down an apple in front of the patron. Are you sure you want to hear this? I'm so embarrassed.....so the guy asks "what is this? I ordered a r&c not an apple." The bartender tells him to take a bite. The man does and seems amazed. "I taste coke...it's all fizzy, that's amazing!" The bartender then says "turn it around..." The man does and is amazed when he takes a bite..."it tastes like Bacardi! Wow, that's incredible."
Another man walks into the bar...are you sure you want to hear this? I can't believe I'm telling you this. I must be really drunk. This joke is a mans joke, it has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it... This second guy says "I've had a very long day. I need something light and refreshing, can I have a gin and tonic please?" The bartender says sure and puts an apple down in front of the guy. When he complains the bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and is amazed. "I taste gin. How did you do that?" The bartender replies "turn it around....." The man does and get so excited "it tastes light and fizzy and refreshing. Just like seltzer water! I can't believe you made a g&t from an apple!"

At this point P sees his wife walk by and starts expounding on how she is the hottest woman in the world (very sweet to see and hear someone who is still so in love with their spouse). My brother walks up at this point and P asks him if he should tell me the joke as its a "mans joke" and has ladies genitalia and alcohol and a little anal in it. My brother responded that I was an adult and I knew what I was getting I to. So P continued after telling me yet again that he was so embarrassed.

P: a third man walks into the bar, walks up to the bar and says " I've had a hell of a day...my girlfriend just left me after 5 years. I don't know if you can help me, but I need a drink that tastes like a woman. I mean A WOMAN. (If you know what I mean)." The bartender replied " I know how you feel. I've been there myself, and I've been experimenting. I think I have exactly what you want." And with that he puts an apple on the bar. The man looks very puzzled, but the other two patrons encourage him to try it. So he takes a bite and spits it out immediately. "Oh! That tastes like sh#t!" The bartender then replies "turn it around.........."

At this point P is 50 shades of red and stumbling all over himself telling me he is so embarrassed he told me and asking me if I was offended. To this I replied:

"P, you should be ashamed of yourself! You watched me grow up!"

I think he almost fainted! It was the best laugh of the night as far as I was concerned. Poor P, I don't think he will ever bring himself to tell another woman a "man joke" again.

Wedding scars

It's been a week since my cousins wedding. It was beautiful, and wonderful to share in their day with loved ones.

I don't know if you read my post about my brothers wedding and how I had a certain family member who was "a little inappropriate" to say the least.... Anyway, apparently I just have some family members who have boundary issues. My grandfather grabbed my a$$ and started growling and barking like a dog who likes what he sees. OMGoodness! When he saw the expression on my face he laughed and told me that I shouldn't be surprised, shocked or upset that he did that. (I guess I'm supposed to be grateful? I may not have a man that's interested in me, but my grandfather? Still not impressed).

My uncle from last years wedding- he was much more appropriate this time around--most likely because it was his daughter getting married-- although he did almost rip out an earring on his way by and grab me a couple of times. Other than that, I had another uncle (not actually an uncle, my cousins uncle-but he was like my uncle growing up) kept touching me every time he was near me. Putting his arm around me and hugging me every chance he got. Really? How come I can only attract older men from MY FAMILY??? Where are the non-related men I might want to date.....cause I've got to tell you... I DON'T do family on the dating circuit. (Not that I date, or have the opportunity, or can find someone who's interested...but that's another story for another time.)

Moving on, spending the evening with my brother and sister-in-law was a lot of fun, but I felt like they were babysitting me because I was alone. Way to make me feel like a winner...

There was a photo booth at the wedding, anyone who knows me knows I HATE having my picture taken, but 1&1/2 glasses of wine will make everything seem like a better idea than it was before. I got in there with several people...costumes also make it easier...

All in all, there was fun to be had, and scars that need to be overcome.

Sleeping conditions

I find that everyone has their own comfort conditions when sleeping. Mine? I like a cool room, some white noise- a fan maybe- and lots of covers. I love having weight on me (ok, actually I'm trying to loose weight and don't want extra weight ON me, just over me). I typically listen to a book on CD as I fall asleep. This is my comfort zone in the bedroom. I also find that although I toss and turn to an extent, I don't "take up" the whole bed. I tend to stay in one place. This makes making my bed very easy and quick in the morning.

I have slept alone for a very long time...over 10 years. When I was still married (technically I still am, someday....insert BIG drawn out sigh here....) the ex moved downstairs and out of the bedroom when I was pregnant and never moved back. I've had a long time to get comfortable with what I like.

I went to a friends house the other night and ended up "crashing" there. Sleeping with someone (and that's ALL it was- honest) is a very interesting experience. Unlike me, he rolls around on his bed, there was a fan, but not enough weight for me. Just a sheet and a lightweight down comforter. I think in that situation I'd be fine as long as the person (definitely a man) were to throw an arm/ leg over me to give me the weight I crave. (Course I don't plan on spending the night with a man again unless I'm in a relationship, so then it would be appropriate for the arm/leg thing. I find when not in a relationship that would be awkward.)

So, anyway..... He rolled around on his bed- his side to the middle and back again throughout the night. He also kept whacking me in the head with his elbow, and trying to drape his arm over my head. Needless to say, I did not sleep well. I clung to the edge of the bed like a spider monkey unable to sleep for fear of being attacked by flying elbows.

This whole sleeping with another person...I just don't know... Maybe I'll try it again in another 10 years.

What are your sleeping preferences?

Why I refuse to go in blow up attractions

While walking around Pumpkinland with my child this weekend, he was filled with a joy and wonder when coming across a blowup haunted house, or pumpkin he could crawl into and toss balloons high into the air to watch they swirl in the air currents before landing somewhere only to be tossed again. He went into the haunted mansion only to NOT reappear through the exit. I waited patiently while others came and went several times over. My sons staff finally offered to go in and find him. I had to take her up on the offer as there was NO way I was able to go into that inflatable structure. No way, no how!

What could make me so adamant about this when so many were enjoying themselves so much? The entrances and exits. As sad as it is.... I could not get over how much they resembles a vagina. Yes, that is where my mind went, and where it stayed. I just could NOT make myself enter or be "birthed" out at the end.

My license plate

My son has recently pointed out to me that my license plate had the letters SX and that spelled sex without the E.

Now, it doesn't help that the number were 3999. Now every time I look at my license plate I see a sign for a cheap hooker: $39.99 SEX! I feel like I'm advertising for a sale. I mean, couldn't my plate advertise me as a highly paid, high class call girl? Oh well, a girls got to do what a girls got to do.........(or NOT)

Body Shape Wear

I have to be honest. When I went to my brothers wedding last year I bought a couple of body shape wear items. My original thought was that they would make my round body shape look like a size 8 hourglass. This is NOT what happens to a plus size lady. Let's just be clear on THAT!

For all you thin and in shape women who wear these for no reason I can understand, I'm sure they suck you right in. For us big girls, the lumps only look slightly less lumpy. Not only this, but another wonderful benefit (I discovered today while my sons staff were sitting in the kitchen playing LEGOS with him and I was making his supper-in the kitchen too!) is that they do not provide a place for your pants to "grip". By this I mean as I bent over to put the homemade pizza in the oven I realized my pants were down around my knees. Not the most attractive look, and not a show I want to give to staff.

I do not know if either staff witnessed my strip tease in the kitchen or if they were too focused on my son and the Legos. Since they are both professional and didn't say anything we will go with they saw nothing. Yeah, lets go with that.

I am on my way out for a date and now on top of all the dating worries, I now have to hope my pants stay up so he doesn't think I'm easy. Wish me luck!

Weddings for the single woman

What could this possibly be about you ask? I'll tell you. When you are single and invited to a wedding, etiquette would dictate the invitation be addressed the intended invitee and guest, or +1.

Now, I didn't realize it at the time but when my brother got married the invitation was addressed to ONLY me. I understand my son not being invited. A lot of people do not want children at their wedding, I get that. The reason I am thinking about my brothers wedding is because my cousin is getting married next month and I just got my invitation to her wedding.

Surprise! It is addressed to only me again. I know that I am only days/weeks till I am a legally single woman, but I've been living alone for going on 3 years now. Do my family really think I can't find a date to a wedding? They don't even give me the option for a date. I'm feeling very insulted. I have to tell you that if the next wedding I'm invited to it doesn't have a +1 I am adding this to my "other bucket list".

How rude!

Another immaculate conception. It's a miracle

What could I possibly be talking about you wonder? Well, I just found out I will be a grandmother.

How is this possible? I'm only 39 years old! Ok, so my age does not mean its impossible. I get that. What makes this a miracle is that the person pregnant is my 10 year old son. Yes, you read correctly: 10 years old. SON!

This is what happened. Last night my son calmly told me that it felt like something was moving in his belly and he thinks it feels like it would if he were pregnant. I sympathized with him and explained that it was his intestines and the gas that was trapped there. I told him I had felt this way many times, most people have. Anyway, the matter was dropped and we moved in with our night.

This morning I dropped him off with his dad. I went to work. I got a call at 8pm from his dad telling me "Your son is saying he's pregnant. He also says that we are all Gods puppets and God can make anything happen. God has made me pregnant. It's what he wants."

His dad sounded furious, I don't think he was at all impressed that I found this so hilarious, or that I was so impressed with my sons argument, but I did and I was.

I happily admit that I am a Christian. I will also admit that I have not taught my son about God and Jesus and spirituality as I wish I had. We talk about it sometimes but it's really hard when you have a son with special needs. If he's not interested you might as well save your breath. We're getting there though. Because of this I think my ex blames me for our sons thinking and is NOT impressed. I don't know what to tell him, I do not think we are Gods puppets and have not told my son this. This is his own deductions about God, and I can't help but be impressed that he has thought about God at all on his own.

So now I have promised my atheist ex that I would have a talk with our boy when I get the chance. (its probably a good idea because his dad has a completely different approach and is not always successful in communicating his thoughts in a way that works for our son).

So, I think congratulations are in order, I'll be listing what he wants for the baby shower in a later post as the pregnancy progresses. Don't worry, I still have his crib and changing table. (so glad I didn't get rid of them now). My son and I will have to sit down and talk about his birthing plan----I will be strongly suggesting a C-section.

For those of you reading, if we are friends on Facebook or twitter I ask that you post to my wall "congratulations" just to know you're reading and appreciating the situation I find myself in. Have a wonderful night everyone.....


Look at the picture, he's starting to show.

Children are not pillows

As I was hanging out with my son today I laid down on the bed with him and used his stomach as a pillow. He makes a good pillow what can I say? This is actually a game we have played throughout the years. He giggles and pushes me away, and I keep trying to use him as a comfy pillow.

Today went a little different than usual-

I laid my head down ad told him he makes a good pillow. He pushed me off and then jumped off the bed yelling "no!"
Me: come back! I need my pillow
Son: no! I am not a pillow.
Me: but you make such a good one.
Son: you can't make me, and it hurts me
Me: how?
Son: well, I'm not saying you're fat...
Me: I gave him "the look" (the one that moms give so well saying you're treading on very thin ice right now, be careful what you say)
Son: I'm not, but how can a 10 year old boy support the weight of a 35 year old adult?

Boy he's good, I'll give him that. He danced his way out of serious trouble, and told me I was 4 years younger than I am. He's good, but I've got my eye on him........

He really does make a good pillow...

Service announcement

So today was day three for my IV steroid treatment. I have two more days to go.

Day one they put in an IV port. It worked for two days then needed to be taken out. Today they put in another one. This one is in my right elbow. I brought it home with me, and I'm hoping to keep it until after my last infusion on Sunday morning. The only problem is if I want to shower. Then I have to wrap it.

The first port was easy, I put on an extra large glove and taped it. (first port was on my hand). This one is trickier. How is a person supposed to wrap their arm with one hand. Well, I did the best I could although it wasn't pretty. I wrapped it with Saran wrap then with duck tape.

Here's where the service announcement comes in.... If you EVER want to dress up as a mummy for Halloween, duck tape is NOT the best choice. While it is waterproof, which would be great on a rainy night walking the streets looking for candy. It is not easy to move in, doesn't lend itself to being flexible. It also is REALLY hard to get out of. I wouldn't even want to think of how you would use the restroom. Let's not even go there!

You are welcome. Have a great day!

People associations. Where does the mind go?

While my son and I were at camp I got thinking. Do people and places remind you of other people, places, things? They sure do for me. Camp was an interesting place for me this year.

We had guest ministers for the week. They were fabulous! I really liked them, but listening to them preach all I could think is "hmm, so that's what my friends Ben and Sarah would be like if they were ministers.....".

Now, this was probably one of the nicer similarities I saw this week. Our camp is a Methodist campground and so we have a lot of ministers who live and/or spend a lot of time there. For me, all the women look like beautiful women, but the men....... Where do I start?

We have one who looks exactly like an Amish man. He even has the voice of what I would imagine an Amish man would have. There is one who looks just like a gnome. Seriously, my mother gave me a book about gnomes and I'm pretty sure his picture is in there. A very dear friend and minister who has the happiest disposition I've ever known looks like a clown to me.... Hmmm, could this association have anything to do with the year he was director of Campmeeting and his theme was clowns? Maybe so.

These three men I have loved since I was a little girl and for years have seen these similarities. However, there is another, one who I have pondered long and hard about. I knew he reminded me of someone but it never came to the forefront of my mind. I have spent years wracking my brain. Well this year, while sitting in communion it finally hit me.

Have you ever watched the old tv show "Land Of The Lost"? If not, did you see the Will Ferrell movie? He reminds me of a Sleestack. (probably spelled that wrong). Ok, so the man I know isn't green and scaly, and the eyes are a little off, and he doesn't have a boney ridge on the top of his head.... but other than that...he's a dead ringer!

Then of course I felt guilty for thinking of R as a Sleestack, but I can't help it. It's what he looks like. I don't think any less of him. He is a wonderful man and minister, now I just think Sleestack when I see him and smile.

Do you find yourself making strange associations like this? Am I really just that weird?

The many sides of Emily

I just got back from my camp today. While there I was able to participate in the musical that was performed.

So on Friday evening at 6:55pm (five minutes before the show starts) I was talking to one of the girls sitting in the front row. She asked what part I was playing. My answer was "multiple". This is because only two people had actual roles. Because there were only about 15 of us and the show calls for sixty, we all took several speaking parts and I had several solos because so few adults wanted/can sing.

Well, this precocious girl, whom I have watched grow up from a baby- told me that I already act like I have multiple personalities. At this point I had to fess up. I explained that I am actually ten very thin people. The problem is, even when you get ten very thin people together, they make up one big fat person. This is the real reason I am a big woman.

Now the secret is out. My weight loss journey is really trying to lose at least five of the people that live inside of me.

Sorry, this seemed much funnier when I told it Friday night.......

Taking a trip

Every year my son and I pack up our stuff (everything but the kitchen sink) and head up to our camp. We leave the last Saturday of July and stay (hopefully) for a week. Returning on Sunday. We look forward every year to camp week. I have been going for 33 years, and my son has been going for ten.

Every year, I write out a very thorough list of what needs to come and what we need to buy. I feel like Santa as I make my list and check it twice, then three or four more times to be on the safe side. I always manage to remember everything on the list. I pack up our car and confidently drive the 45 minutes to the camp.

Then I spend and hour unpacking everything and wondering "Why? Why did I pack so much stuff? We aren't moving here permanently." As I open the windows, dust away the cobwebs and put away the food I always find 2-3 things I forgot to add to my list.

Is this an obligatory part of any trip or just my trips? This year I forgot shampoo, conditioner, body wash and my sons Nintendo DS charger. Of all the things to forget.... So just as we were settling in we jumped into the.car and off we went to Walmart to pick up these few items. Last year it was toothpaste, ketchup and batteries. I guess it is just part of the joy of taking a vacation. Does this happen to you or am I really the only one? Have a lovely week.

Inflatable swim toys

My son and I like to swim. My son isn't very proficient yet so we always take along a tube and/or float for him to use. Why is it that if the float is an animal the opening/valve is always put in a compromising place? Hmmm? Anyone?

For his birthday my son got an inflatable turtle. He was thrilled. So I was thrilled. That is until I had to blow it up. Talk about awkward. When I was done I looked at the turtle all inflated and realized that it had a huge smile on its face. I wonder why......

Is it just me or does anyone else think that the makers of these toys are getting a good laugh with each new batch they make?

Short And Sweet today...

A friend of mine texted me this morning that she was stripping......

Then followed it up with "the floor"

I teased her about it and we laughed. I then had this conversation with a mutual friend.

Enjoy the self depreciating humor

I'm such a lightweight.

Im not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I such a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. I mean I guess it's good in some ways as it shows that I don't drink often and that's good. On the other hand, it's bad because it's just plain embarrassing when I drink.

Take yesterday for example: my son and I went to a friends house to visit and swim. It ended being an all afternoon/ dinner visit. We had a great time but when I was offered and accepted a half glass of wine all bets were off. My friend M was prepping a salad she asked me to watch her almost 2 year old son. Then she gave me the wine..... Now in my defense I hadn't eaten much all day and was out in the sun all afternoon.

I had forgotten how much work it is following a toddler around for an hour. ( don't get me wrong, he's adorable and I enjoyed every minute of it) but as I followed the active child around I sipped my wine. As he showed me around the pool looking for frogs I had to stop him because just walking half way around the pool made me dizzy as all get out. (what does that phrase even mean?)

I remember getting a drink at my sister-in-laws bridal luncheon and I was only 1/3 of the way through it when I had to stop because I was already flushed and would have to drive home.

I had one of those frozen premixed drinks a couple of nights ago. I only drank 1/2 (other 1/2 is still in my freezer) and while talking on the phone I couldn't stop giggling. It was embarrassing.

So I can't decide if it is better or not that I'm such a lightweight. What do you think?

Handbags and purses

I know a lot of women who are obsessed with certain items. Namely shoes and handbags. These two seem to be some of the most popular. I have to admit I've never been that interested myself.

If I have a passion, it's for gadgets (sadly I don't have a lot as I can't afford them, but it doesn't stop me from coveting them) anyway, I have this aunt who is a..... Well..... Let's just say she has a shopping problem. Don't get me wrong, I'm so not complaining as I can and have ended up on the receiving end of some of her castoffs.

Aunt K has a deal with my uncle. If she buys something new, she has to purge something to make room. All I have to say K is purge and buy to your hearts content. (just remember me when you get to the purging part)

One of the things she likes to buy is handbags. So, every so often I get a call asking me if I want new purses or if he should bring them to Goodwill. Really? Do you have to ask? I don't say this because I am obsessed with purses myself, but because even I want to change it up sometimes and I don't have the money to buy nice bags myself.

Now here's the rub, on the rare occasion I have bought myself a new handbag NO ONE has EVER complimented me on it. However, whenever I switch to one of K's bags everyone raves about what great taste I have in handbags.

So the question just begs to be asked: do I have terrible taste in handbags? A co-worker stated that I must. I pointed out that everyone loves the bags I pick from my aunt, so doesn't that count for anything? Apparently not for without ever seeing the full selection of bags I had to choose from my co-worker decided that my aunt K must just have impeccable taste and they were all fabulous.

Guess where I'll be shopping for ALL my handbags from now on? That's right... Come on aunt K, Emi needs a brand new bag! Get out there and shop till you drop and send me the cast offs. I'm not picky. Anything is better then what I can pick out apparently.

This is the bag I'm currently using with many thanks to my wonderful aunt K!

Sophie

As some of you may know by now, I have a pet hamster named Sophie. I got her for my son because we had tried to keep fish and ended up killing every single one of them. So, when he begged for another pet I, in my infinite wisdom, said sure. I let my son pick out the rodent of his choice. My first thought was that he made a fine choice. She was sweet, the pet store clerks assured us she was a very docile hamster who would be just great for handling. I was told by said clerks that she could very easily be trained to sit in our shirt pocket and "hang out" as well as be held quietly. This was good. This is what I wanted for my son and I in our pet hamster.

This, however, is NOT what we got. While Sophie does have a sweet nature and is very gentle (doesn't try to bite us at all) she is not quiet or stay still unless she is asleep in her cage. Which as many know is during the day as hamsters are nocturnal by nature. When she comes out to play she seems to think she is training for the upcoming Olympics. She is off and scurrying up our arms, leaping from our hands to the sofa if she thinks she can feasibly make the jump. She burrows into the couch cushions and under the pillows. We bought a little play pen for her hoping she would like to have another place to move about but turn your back for a second and she treats it like a hurdle and is racing for parts uncharted before you know what's happened.

Now hamsters need to chew and gnaw to keep their teeth healthy. So with this in mind I have bought quite the variety of chew toys for Sophie. She has her pick on any given day from 3-5 types of chews cause every woman deserves the right to variety right? Anyway, EVERY time I put toys in the cage, she takes them and hides them. Now mind you she won't put them in her "special place" until we are not looking. (like I really want to steal her apple stick or cheesy chew....). Anyway, with the treasures hidden away from view guess what Sophie would rather chew? The metal bars of the cage! Yeah, that's right. Do you have any idea how annoying that sounds in the middle of the night? Let me tell you: I get a little irritated. The first couple of nights I thought we might have prowlers in the house.

She even has a wheel, because the pet store clerk assured me that hamsters will run most of the night. Out in the wild they apparent run for miles. Not my Sophie. She uses her wheel like her personal throne from which she stares at me as if to shame me for keeping her locked away. She gives me a look as if to say: "Why don't you give me anything to chew? Look at my home. Do you see anything here? No toys, no food." (this immediately gets hidden as well)

I really don't even know what she eats because it seems like I throw out all the food when I clean the cage. However, I do know she DOES eat because she's getting quite pudgy if you ask me. She could use a night or two on the wheel.

So to sum up: I have an allergic hamster who apart from being gentle is NOT your typical hamster. Good grief. Happy pet owning everyone. Do you have a strange pet? If so, please share.

Ice cream.......it's not my fault!

I have a little problem. I'm addicted to ice cream. I like many different kinds. I love Ben and Gerry's. There are several flavors I love, but my all time favorite is Dairy Queen's vanilla. I don't know what it is about their vanilla but I could eat it all the time.

Now, that's a problem because I'm trying to lose weight and eating ice cream doesn't help. So I've cut way back. It hurts. It hurts a lot, but I'm drinking more water (most of the time) and eating more veggies. I'm trying, I really am.

I say it's not my fault because I decided to get a quart of vanilla the other day at work. I needed to splurge. I was hot, tired and crabby. (ok, I know that's just excuses, but sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do.). So, back to it not being my fault- when I picked up my quart (I went through the drive thru) and left. When I got back to the house with my client I looked in the bag and with my quart what did I see? A spoon.

Now, a spoon says to me that it is a single serving. Am I right or what? I mean, you get a spoon with a blizzard, a sundae, even a banana split. These are all considered single serving items (whether they should be or not).

So what was I supposed to do? It's not my fault......

Damn! He did it again

Seriously? What is it about men and hickeys? Or is it just my man?

When I first started seeing him I remember one of our first "make out session" (how high school do I feel right now?) he asked me how I feel about hickeys. Before I could even form a thought -that's how good he is- he dove right in and next thing I knew I had a hickey. OMGoodness!! I HATE hickeys. The only one I ever really enjoyed was when I was visiting a gay friend in college with my best friend M. We were all joking around and he was kissing her neck and gave her a hickey by accident. It was funny, really funny. She didn't believe us when we told her she had it until she looked in the mirror and almost killed him. (you really had to be there to fully understand the hot, but trust me, it was hysterical)

Anyway, I'm not a fan. So, today I went over to see my guy (we have opposite schedules and both have kids so it's difficult to get together-if you know what I mean;~}) so we started kissing and next thing I realize I'm feeling way too much suction so I pulled away. Needless to say, I THOUGHT I pulled away in time- I did not. When I left I looked into my mirror in the car to see a hickey on my neck. I'm gonna hurt him, I really think I will. Ok, well maybe not, but if he does it again........

What? Am I a teen again?

I have noticed over the last six months or so my skin has forgotten I'm a 39 year old adult. It has decided that I am actually a 15 year old teenager. I have had more pimples and breakouts now then I EVER did as a kid.

I have no idea why I woke up one morning to the oiliest skin know to man, woman and child. My clients (adults with developmental disabilities) love to point out every new outbreak that appears on my skin. I have even been told by one lady that I should use Proactive. It worked for her brother. I guess she was trying to be nice.

I woke up today with Mount Vesuvius between my eyes. Seriously, there is no hiding this bad boy. I look like I want to visit India and just placed the red dot way too low.

If I have the oily skin of a teenager so why then am I getting senior discounts at Dunkin Donuts? Or being told that I look like the mother of a client who is only 7 years younger and has a full head of WHITE hair? Will the universe make up its mind? How old do you think I am?

Terror on two wheels

Terror was struck in the hearts of millions...well, hundreds....ok fine! So it was only one, and that one is me.

I decided to get back up on that bike and ride again this morning. Well, I started up a little less wobbly this time, and off I went feeling much more confident this time around.

The first terror I came across was having to pass TWO women who were running side by side!! Yikes! How was supposed to do this? What is the etiquette? I mean the biggest space was between them as they had split the path into thirds. I was debating calling out "excuse me! Fat lady with little to no control over her bike coming through! Move out of the way please!" buy just as I took in a lungful of air they stopped running and have moved to a walk, and moved over to the side on their own. (ok, so one lady had looked back and probably guessed how inexperienced I am and didn't want ALL of this landing on her)

So on I went, then I noticed that as I was pedaling along my very maximus gluteus maximus was bouncing up and down so much I felt like I was on a trampoline. So I started coasting to get the jiggle under control, and realized I will not be able to pedal when passing anyone....EVER! Pretty sure jiggling and bouncing are not part of the biking experience, this was further enforced by seeing all of the other cyclists go by smoothly- not a bounce or jiggle in sight. Will I ever be able to ride like that?

And on I went, I rode 3 & 1/2 miles today (almost twice as far as last week- still pretty pathetic but I'm getting there.) Anyway, I had to pass several people, some with dogs - still strikes fear in my soul, I keep waiting for these dogs to smell my fear and give chase. Then came the 2 90 degree turns (4 if you count the round trip -
And I certainly do!) thank goodness no one was around to see those. I slowed down so much I almost fell from lack of speed let alone the turns themselves. (I'm pretty sure I squealed like a little girl for at least 2 of them but I'm not positive- it was all a blur for me)

So, through all the scariness I managed to stay upright for the entire ride, and didn't get whipped in the face with any vines. So for all the jiggling it was still a better ride than last week. Let's hope it continues to get better and better.....

My style and grace revisited

So, it is now 6 hours after my infamous bike ride and I had an itch on my cheek so I scratched it. So why is my left cheek so sore?

I looked in the mirror to find 2 small scratches on my cheek. Where did THEY come from you ask? They came from the vines on the side of the bike path. That is how far to the left I swerved to avoid the woman who was running on the right hand side of the path. Yes people, that's how bad I was this morning. Even my face has war wounds.

Don't you wish you had as much style and grace as I have?

Such style, such grace!

Well here we are my friends. Ok, so it's just me sitting here on my couch with grass stains on my pants and an ice pack on my knee....you know what I mean.

Where do I begin? At the beginning. I guess.... Well, it all started on a lovely morning in May. I was a month overdue and was finally ready to make my appearance in to the world..... What? Too far back you say? Well you're probably right. So I'll just say this: I'm fat, I've always been fat, I hate being fat. The problem is I also hate any form of exercise, and ice cream is a passion of mine. What can I say, it's true. Now that's not to say that I don't exercise sometimes (certainly not lately) and I do like my veggies- and have been eating a lot more of them lately. Yeah me! But with being an oxymoron, work, my son, my depression.....well you see where I'm going with this right? Lots of excuses to NOT exercise.

I recently got my bike a tune up and a new tire. (I've had the bike for 10 years now and never ridden it- pathetic I know) well, I got it ready to ride just when school got out for my son...he doesn't ride a bike. So, another excuse not to exercise fell into my lap.

My son started summer school last week. Today was the first day I had a couple of hours to ride that bike. So, having not ridden a bike in over 20 years I decided that my neighborhood was not the place to start. So I loaded the bike on the back of my car and drove the 1/4 mile to a quiet bike path. (said shame-faced). I got my fat reared on that bike -after I took it off my car of course- and wobbled off down the path.

I was very grateful that there was no one to see my pitiful start and I soon found my rhythm. I was feeling pretty proud of myself until I came around the bend and saw a woman running in the same direction. My first though- oh crap, can I pass her without falling over or running her over? Yes, my second thought (and much more troubling thought) - she going the same way, she's going to be watching my oversized fanny till I get around the next bend! Well, let me tell you, I rode that bike fast, and I rode it hard. She couldn't have been able to see more than a blur go by. Ok, so that's an exaggeration, but I like to think of it as poetic license.

I had to pass another woman, this time with a dog which heightened the anxiety. By this time I was also exhausted. (have I mentioned I don't exercise?- and it's only been about 3/4 of a mile- how humiliating). I was determined to press on and get some real exercise in though. Yeah me! Let's stop so I can give myself a pat on the back. Ok, I'm done, so let's get to the good stuff.

I rode a mile and decided I wanted to stop because I wanted some pictures. Have I mentioned it's been over 20 years since I've been on a bike? This includes stopping. Apparently stopping is harder than starting. A lot harder, at least for me that is.

Thank goodness no one was around at that minute, or 10 cause I went down like a ton of bricks. Twisted my ankle, , scuffed up my knee (well, my pants over my knee) and felt like the worlds epitome of style and grace. If there were judges there I would have been awarded a perfect 10 for the style and grace of that fall. I know I would have!

So I picked myself up and dusted myself off, after I stopped laughing at myself that is.... And decided 2 miles was a good start to this bike riding thing. Luckily when I got back to the car park I used the poles at the entrance to help me stop - I say luckily, not because I didn't want to hurt myself (although, I think that goes without saying) but because there was another woman AND 2 cyclists there. Oh the humiliation that would have caused.

Well, there's always tomorrow....or maybe next week to try again. Happy trails everyone.

Let me say it again: I AM NOT THAT OLD

Seriously people, I'm getting a complex!

While working with a 32 yr old client today, we walked into Cumberland Farms so my client could buy a coffee. My client opened the door and gestured for a man of approximately my age to enter first. So what did the man say you ask? He said "oh no thank you, I'll let you and your mom go first."

Seriously??? My client is 32 years old. I am 39 years old. I am only 7 years older! And, not being vain but I DO NOT look older than my client!!!! On a bad day I'm told I look about the same age. (although come to think of it, if this happened, and I get senior discounts, AND I get told I'm "at that age" by my doctors- maybe everyone is just lying to me to make me feel better.

I AM NOT THAT OLD PEOPLE!

Help! I'm peeling

So, remember that sunburn I got almost 2 weeks ago? Yeah, that's the one- I had a raccoon face for a couple of days and couldn't wear a bra for longer. Well, last Thursday, (a week after the burn incident) I finally started to peel--right before I started to blister, I know right? What the heck!

Anyway, I was so happy to be peeling. It's my favorite part of getting a burn. I know that burning is really NOT good for your health and all that, but when I was young, my best friend and I would lay out to get a burn in the hopes that we would peel. Then we would get together and peel each others backs.

It surprises me how many people are completely grossed out by this practice. Cause I've got to tell you, I LOVE to peel skin. It's so satisfying, especially when I get a large "sheet" to come off at once, and it feels great having it done too. A little like a light back scratch, a little like a tickle too.

I texted my friend: "Where are you, I'm peeling!!!". This caused my friend a great deal of confusion as she read "where are you, I'm peeing!!!". See? Very different statements. When we cleared up the confusion it made much more sense to her. Alas, she was not able to help. So, while at my parents home I enlisted my mom to peel me. My father was incredibly disgusted. For the last few days I've been instructing my son in the art of skin peeling. He'll get the hang of it in no time. Soon to be peeling large swatches of skin in a single yank.

Is this wrong? Teaching my son to do this? Will Clarice soon be after my son? Ok, probably not. I mean he's not demanding I "puts on the lotion" so I think we're ok, at least for now.

Bucket list revisited

This should be short and sweet. I have a new addition to my "other bucket list".

This morning (and I PROMISE not to get into details- not even if you ask real nice) I broke my bed frame while having sex. Never thought it would happen, but it did. Have to say, quite proud of myself and my partner. Good game sir, good game......

And FYI- I was able to fix the bed frame later in the morning, much later.......

Raccoon face

I have been walking around all day with my sunglasses on asking my clients, co-workers and family if they want to see a magic trick.

If they say yes, I tell them to look closely at my face and tell me if they think it is me, the person. When they say yes, I lift my sunglasses and say abra-cadabra! And tell them I'm a raccoon.

See, if you didn't figure it out....I got a sunburn yesterday while wearing sunglasses. Yeah, I so wasn't smart yesterday. I forgot the sunscreen on my face. I did apply it to the rest of me, however, I put it on while wearing my t-shirt. So, 1/2 an hr later, when I took my shirt off I SHOULD have applied sunscreen to my chest, shoulders and upper back. This I didn't do. Instead I sat in the blazing hot sun for 3&1/2 hours. Can we say char-broiled?

To top it all off, when putting the sunscreen on my legs, I bent down a little to spray and in doing so I missed the lower half of my thighs. How did I do that you ask? Good question, let me explain:

I wear bathing suits that look like mini dresses, because it gives me the illusion that I look thinner, or at least hides how fat I really am. If I'm honest I know that it doesn't fool anyone, but I am able to live in the fantasy of the non-illusion.

Anyway, bending over in a skirted bathing suit means that the skirt follows and covers up more of my legs than it will while I am standing. Did I take that into consideration while applying the sunscreen? Of course not. Should I have? Yes, yes I should have. Especially since I've been wearing this type of suit for many years now.

So, to sum up: I have a reverse raccoon face (red face with white burglar mask), crispy chest/shoulders/upper back, and the tops of my knees are bright red as well. I hope the rest of the summer is not full of this much forgetfulness of sunscreen safety. Otherwise I will be going braless most of the summer, to heck with my need for the support!!!
I have to admit I am wearing one right now, but it's only because I have in home support for my son here, and we play a lot, and because I am going to drop my son off at my parents house in a little while and I know how it would really bother them. However, I can assure you that as soon as I am back in the car the bra will be coming off. Ahh, even the thought of that freedom brings a smile to my face.

Please remember to wear your sunscreen, you do not want to end up like me..... Happy summer!

Alcohol and depression don't mix

So, as you can guess from the title of this post, having some issues with my depression the last couple of days. It seems like about a months worth of days crap has decided to gang up on me at once.....

Well, I won't get into all that (or I'd be sitting here in Walmart for the next month) but I will say that feeling like this and drinking alcohol really don't mix. How do I know? When I got home last night I decided to drink.

Now, for those who know me, you know I don't really ever drink. I mean I didn't even drink at my brothers wedding. I don't like to drink. I don't like the feeling of being out of control.

So, it's kind of strange that I would turn to alcohol last night, but I did. So there's no use regretting it. What I did realize is that the combination makes me leak. Yes, that's right, you heard it here first. Alcohol and depression make me leak.

Well....they make my eyes leak that is. I cried all night. Were you thinking tears when I said leak? I doubt it. You thought this was going to be another poise pad blog.

I remember one of my first polarity sessions from an RPP. During the session she channeled my spirit guide. An owl. While she was telling me about what my spirit guide wanted me to know I started crying because it was so beautiful and right on the money. When the session was over I sat up and told her she had made me leak. I wish I had the words to perfectly describe the horror on her face, until I explained it was my eyes doing the leaking that is. Alas, I will probably never be able to adequately describe the moment but it will live on in my mind and make me smile when I think of it.

I'm broken.....again

Well, this post could go one of two ways.....the men in my life or massages I've received from friends who are NOT LMT's.

Which way do I go, which way do I go....

I'm sitting on my couch as I write this in extreme pain. A friend of mine that I'm seeing decided he would be very kind and generous, he cooked me dinner (again- good cook) and after I had him sit in a chair as I gave him just a small shoulder/neck rub. Just to relax him, thank him for being so sweet, and I just like touching him. ;~}

Well, he decided to return the favor. How nice right? Well, um, it was nice of him. However, he is definitely more suited to chair massage than a relaxing massage. He used a deep pressure which was nice but uncomfortable at times (I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel better afterwards) anyway, my shoulders did feel better after, honest they did so I figured "huh, go figure...". Problem was, I forgot I have MS. I'm embarrassed to say its been years since I've had a massage and with that being said, I forgot about being mindful of pressure. I can't always have the pressure I like, and being as worn down as I've been over the last few weeks, I am now in so much pain I want to cry, or drink myself into oblivion (either works). I can't put my purse on my shoulder because it hurts too much, even my bra strap is painful- but lets face it, I can't go out in public without a bra.

So, the reason I say I'm broken again is because- if we go with massage, a friend and I used to get together and hang out, sometimes we'd give each other back massages, she has repeatedly broken me during this. I never understood why I would be in pain the next day till I got the diagnosis of MS.

If we go with the men in my life.......

Warning.....you will probably feel like this is TMI. So you might just want to stop with the massage explanation.

OK, here goes......
There is a man I have been friends with for many, many years. We have flirted throughout the years, but I have always made it very clear that I was married and not interested in anything other than friendship from him. I even stopped all contact other than phone calls so he wouldn't overstep the boundaries that were firmly in place.

Well, after my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex left me, about 10 months after, I was feeling lonely and frustrated so when he became insistent, I said "sure, why not?". I mean I've always been very good at compartmentalizing different aspects of my relationships with family and friends, so I decided there was no harm in having a little fun right?

He came over one night, and we decided just to "fool around" no sex. We wanted to make sure that our friendship would be ok before we did anymore. Thank goodness for that! He is an older gentleman and from all his talk, quite the ladies man I was expecting something that wasn't there. I was blown away, how could he not know how to kiss???? Seriously? And on top of that, he definitely got carried away, I think he tried to bite my nipple off, twice!! So when all was said and done I had a bruise on my nipple and wearing a bra was painful for about a week. In fact my nipples still ache just thinking about it.

The good news? Our friendship is better than ever. Once I got up the nerve to tell him what he did to me we laughed for 20 minutes and were able to move on. So I have had 2 friends break me through massage, and 2 guys break me while trying to "get some".

Kids say the darnedest things

I used to love watching that show. The kids were so guileless and honest. It was always in that honesty that the humor showed through.

There are times I wish I could put my son on that show. Sometimes he sounds like a little old man, sometimes he blows me away using words and phrases I would never have thought someone his age would have heard let alone know how to use in the right context.

For my birthday I got a card addressed to MOMMAH!!! (a.k.a. Mommy). What nine year old uses that?

Or how about last Friday when I got dressed up to go pay my respects and support to a good friend whose father had passed away. I put on a nice outfit and make up (yes, for those of you who know me- I do know how to apply make up I just choose not to most of the time) I walked down stairs and my son says "Wow! Mom you look gorgeous.". So I replied with "Thank you sweetie, gorgeous may be a little strong, but that was so nice of you.". To that his reply was "well, not you, your shirt is gorgeous!". How sweet right? Guess I know now to just say thank you and move on...

That same night he spent the night at my parents house. He loves his sleep overs there as he gets to sleep downstairs with my mother. Well, he informed my mother that at home he likes to sleep "au naturale" my mother was so surprised she asked "what?". So my son explained that it means naked.

My son is way too smart too. I can't get away with a simple explanation of anything. He wants to debate EVERYTHING!!! He tried to get me to buy him a toy over the Internet because he really wanted it and it only cost £1.99. I explained first that it cost more than 1.99 as it was in pounds not dollars, and second that I didn't have the money to spend on silly little toys right now. So he proceeded to ask me how much I spent on the weed whacker I bought the day before. I explained it was not his business what I spend on household items. He came back with "yes it is, because I'm a part of this family." I then ticked him right off with my response: "Yes, you are a very important part of this family, but that does not give you the right to know about the expenses in the house. When you get a job and start contributing financially to this household you will have the right to certain financial details and not a moment before.". Ohh didn't that make him mad.

I'm sure this won't be the last post on his saying the darnedest things....

My first boyfriend

My first boyfriend was a boy from the Virgin Islands. He was a cute boy, a year ahead of me in school. We were good friends. Part of a close group of friends who were all part of our churches Luther League.

Anyway, I will never forget the night he asked me out.....

I had low self esteem even then, was
Self conscious about my weight then too. Anyway, I was at a friends house for a Halloween party. I wasn't feeling well and was actually waiting outside for my parents to come pick me up. I was sitting on the tire swing feeling miserable when out comes the cute older boy with the great accent. He asked me out. I didn't even know what to say. So I said yes. Then I really panicked!!! What now? Did he expect me to "put out?". I hadn't even kissed anyone before. Would I be good at it? When would I be expected to kiss him? Did he even want to kiss me?

I was so confused and scared as to what it meant to be dating someone. To be their girlfriend. So what did I do?

I stopped talking to him. I would turn around and walk the other way in he halls at school. I would avoid him at church and not take phone calls. Don't know what I was expecting but 2 weeks went by like this. Then I got quite the shock. My best friend came up to me and declared she was now dating my boyfriend.

She was so proud of herself. She was also very quick to let me know what she thought of my behavior towards my boyfriend. I think she was daring me to be angry with her. How did I feel though? Relieved. I could go back to being friends with a cute boy I was friends with.

We had some amazing times together after that. I even had other boyfriends in high school, an somehow I was able to tell myself that since I had already had a boyfriend there was no reason to be nervous. Those relationships went much more normally.

But you know what? I don't remember those boys as well as I do the cute boy from the Virgin Islands. He was my first boyfriend, and we didn't talk the entire 2 weeks we went out and I'll never forget him. Or all the for sale signs on our front yard throughout high school. But that is a story for another day....

Only me....

So, as we all know I am "at that age" according to my doctor. I recently got a second senior citizen discount at Dunkin Donuts. We all also know that I am NOT known for my grace.

This all leads up to my hurting/ possibly spraining my ankle without my knowledge. How does this happen? Am I making mistakes in my sleep? I never thought of myself as a violent sleeper, but maybe I am. I don't know, I asleep and I sleep alone (mostly) do there is no one to tell me about potential violent tendencies in my sleeping state.

Anyway, I can barely walk, I can't touch the inside of my left ankle because it is too painful and have realized that there is some edema in this area. (not my whole ankle, just the medial side-weird)

I don't know of a whole lot of people who can injure themselves without any actual trauma to the area. But there it is. I will keep an eye on it, when I get home I'll ice it and see what happens. If it doesn't get better I see my dr next week anyway.

Another item for the "Bucket list"? I think so, I think so. I have to say: in the words of my wonderful grandmother..... "I am SO lucky!"

This picture shows the indentation from my sock- its only in the injured area and not around my whole ankle. Again, very weird. Guess I'm a very talented woman.

Bowling

So I took my son to a bowling party yesterday. To watch him play with the big balls was surprising. He handled his balls well. Whenever I've played with the big balls (only twice). I've gotten bowling injuries.

Yes, I am THAT good. See, I grew up playing with small balls, and even then I was never good with them. I had never played with big balls until a friend had a party. The big balls scare me, so I tried out different weights, found one that I thought I could handle. When it was my turn, I threw my ball backwards almost knocking out the birthday girl. The next time I was up I three my ball in the right direction---sort of---- I even got a strike! Well, it was 3 lanes over, but it was a strike nonetheless. The gentleman in that lane was ok with it.

Now, that same throw I fell and landed in the gutter bruising my hip. Yeah, I'm impressive when it comes to handling my big balls. So, if you want to play with the big balls let me know and I'll be your entertainment for the evening.

I guess what it comes down to is that my son is better at playing with his balls than I am with mine. That's as it should be I think. 😊 Although I am much more entertaining with mine.

Gas

I work with 5 clients every week. I enjoy them all. I truly do. However, 3 of my clients are the gassiest people I have EVER met. IN MY LIFE!

I firmly believe that by spending so much time with them (4 days a week) they have somehow done something to me. Because I don't remember ever being this gassy.

I know, I know, so not a feminine topic. Well, it gets even better. I'm not a cute tooter. They aren't silent. They make it sound like a raft of ducks have made a home in my backside.

I guess it's a good thing I live alone. When I ever find someone they will have to think darts are funny. Then we'll laugh constantly. I will have to make sure he's NOT a duck hunter though. Don't want to get shot in my sleep. 😳

Behavior modification

First I must write a disclaimer, this is not something I would EVER do. It was something that popped into my head and made me laugh. That is all.

So, my son is displaying some disturbing behaviors, I won't go into them now, but they are not appropriate. I have tried every way I can think of to get him to stop.

While talking to a co-worker today I came up with a plan. I can get a taser. I'll get one with low voltage so as not to harm him of course. Just a short lasting stun. I'm thinking with such a smart kid he'll catch on pretty quick.

And just think, if it works, what other behaviors could I modify.....the list is endless. I could, with a little time and voltage have the perfect child.

So what if he drools a lot and has names for all his toes?

Just kidding...

Iced coffee please

I like my iced coffee. No, I LOVE my iced coffee. No one better come between me and my iced coffee....

So I went and bought my iced coffee this afternoon: there are a lot of new staff who are working at the DD I usually visit.

There is a new kid- Ken, or Keith or something. Sorry, I'm terrible with names. Anyway Ken/Keith waited on me yesterday and it went fine, today was a little more interesting......

Me: I would like a large iced coffee with cream and sugar please.
Ken/Keith: 1 large iced latte
Me: iced coffee please
Ken/Keith: oh ok, sorry, 1 large iced latte
Me: no, I want an iced coffee please.
Ken/Keith: oh sorry, 1 large iced coffee.
Me: yes, thank you.

Another staff, who knows my order, walks over tells Ken/Keith to stop for a minute, asks me if I ordered a latte. I said: no, I ordered my regular large iced coffee with cream and sugar.
She tells Ken/Keith to change my drink to an iced coffee?

Did I not make myself clear? For the love of God and everything Holy.....
Does iced coffee really sound like iced latte? I don't think so.....

Ah well, I. Write this with my iced coffee sitting on the table next to me. ;~}

Enjoy your day...

Chocolate bonbon

This is a story about a boy and a girl, how they fell in love, and got engaged to be married this pushing me into a mental breakdown.

How does that work you ask? Well, my friend asked me to be in her wedding. (I think she felt obligated since she was my maid of honor) I was thrilled for her, really I was. Being in love and pledging yourselves to each other is a beautiful thing. I truly believe that, even being a little jaded from my own.

Well, next I heard about the wedding was when my friend told me she had picked out the bridesmaid dresses. She was beyond excited. Even told me that it was perfect and would flatter everyone's body type. This put me at ease, as I'm very self-conscious about my body. Then she showed me the dress. Really? Flatter everyone? Is she high??? At least it was a beautiful color: dark chocolate brown.

The rest of it? Form fitting and strapless! Need I say more? I mean come on. My figure is round. Who honestly thinks form fitting and strapless looks good on round??

Thus my nervous breakdown.... This was February and the wedding was scheduled for October. Guess it was time to stop eating till the wedding.

A few weeks later she asked me if I had ordered my dress, everyone else had. So I went, ordered and paid for this beautiful and horrible gown. A month later I was told it was in. I put off picking up the gown for as long as I possibly could. My friend called me every 2 days asking me to please please please pick up the dress.

Then I got the call from said friend saying she called off the wedding.. I went to David Bridal and tried to get my money back. I mean, they were still in possession of the dress. They knew it had never been worn, but they refused. They told me the bride needed to ok the return. She called them and they still refused to give me a refund. They did however, offer to exchange the dress for another formal gown. Seriously? I am such a casual girl it isn't funny. I don't dress up for anything. Ok, well I'll make the effort for weddings and funerals, but other than that? I don't go anywhere I need to dress up. I get peed on, thrown up on, clothes ripped at work. I'm dressing for comfort with a change of clothes in the car!!

I brought the dress home. It's still hanging in my closet 5 years later.....

They eventually worked through their issues and got married a year and a half later. By then I was not where I wanted to be as far as weight (when was the last time I was? That's what I want to know) is concerned. I bowed out of the wedding party, but happily agreed to sing for them during the ceremony. It worked out for the best. If I had been in the wedding I would have been the chocolate bonbon rolling down the aisle.

How embarrassing

I might have mentioned before that I'm getting a divorce. Have I mentioned I'm a week away from turning 39? Or that I'm pretty darn sure I've hit my sexual prime? It's pretty much ALL I think about in my down time- I feel like a man ;~} -

Anyway, possible TMI alert. Might want to turn away now........

So, being alone and in "my prime" is NOT the most ideal situation to find myself. I am seriously thinking about buying stock in batteries. (don't get upset with me, I warned you! Theres still time to turn away). Yes, I have some toys, of the adult nature.

I just read a great book- 50 Shades of Grey. Loved it, I'm waiting till Friday when I get paid to buy the other 2 books in the trilogy. Anyway, they are very graphic of a sexual nature. Last week I brought a toy to work. Sounds like a terrible thug to do right? Well, probably, but my client is in bed at 7pm and I'm there till 11pm and there is a private staff bedroom. Still inappropriate I know, but a woman has needs. So sue me.......

Here's the embarrassing part- no, no one walked in me, that would be mortifying. No, I forgot my toy was in my pocketbook and the next morning when I got to my sons school for his IEP meeting it went off. At first I though it was my phone, that someone was calling me and it was on vibrate. Oh, how wrong I was.

Picture it: Thursday morning 7:45 am I'm standing in front of my sons teacher, social worker, case manager, speech therapist, and special Ed coordinator and my toy starts vibrating as I try frantically to turn it off in a very non-challant way. I don't think my face has ever been that red.

Good news, I don't thin anyone realized what ACTUALLY happened, but really......

How embarrassing.

Am I a lesbian?

Well, am I?

The answer quite simply is:

Wait for it.........NO. No I am not. How do I know? Because it doesn't interest me. I guess (TMI alert!) I would be ok with receiving, but the giving is a different subject matter all together and doesn't interest me AT ALL! Feeling this way makes it very clear that a lesbian relationship would never work because I don't know of any relationship that works when it is so one sided. (pretty sure this was part of the problem with my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex)

Why am I bringing this up? Interesting question. I've been reminiscing lately and remember a day fresh out of high school when my mother brought me into her bedroom, sat me down and very lovingly and supportively asked me this very question. "Are you a lesbian?"

As I'm sure you can imagine, this was so surprising to me I was in shock. After a minute I was able to gather my thoughts (rest assured, NOT because I was thinking about if I was one, but because this was my MOM, and I couldn't believe she was asking!) I told her calmly that no, I was not a lesbian.

Now, from here most people would probably take you at your word and move on. Oh no, not my mother, that would be entirely too painless and embarrassment free for me. She asked me several times, every time varying the question just a little. Was she hoping that it would confuse me and trip me up? That after the 7th time I would say "well, actually I am mom. I was just waiting for you to ask me enough times that I knew you REALlY wanted to know."

She was very supportive, telling me repeatedly that it was OK and she and my father would still love me if I was.

I was appreciative of this, to know that she would love me no matter what was a great thing. But why wasn't she accepting my answer? Why did she seem to be disappointed with my choice to live a heterosexual life style?

After much debate over said lifestyle, my mom came out with it. The reason she was convinced was because I had shown no interest in men for a while. ( I was single and not interested for a year- during which time I was working a full time job and in my first year of college full time. Plus my last relationship ended horribly). I was also not dressing up (I'm a casual kind of girl-always have been, always will be) and I wasn't wearing make-up. (I hate make-up - I wear it for special occasions only). She even went so far as to tell me I looked ill without it. Can't tell you how happy that made me. (self esteem went up a few more notches that day, yeah right!)

So I guess what I learned is that my mother thinks if a woman is not dressed to the nines, wearing make-up and having a date or actively hunting for a man every day- you MUST be a lesbian. Talk about having a stereotype.

Wonder what she thought the last 2 lonely years of my life. Probably that I finally came out of the closet!

But honest- I'm not a lesbian!

Dating profile

I like to think I'm a realist. I have been kind of getting to know this guy, (see post about guy I'm stalking) we talk, flirt, and joke. Have been for a few months now. The problem is whenever we try to make plans they fall through for a variety of reasons.

I am definitely enjoying this, being interested in someone again, the beginning stages of getting to know someone and dating... what I'm NOT enjoying is the fact that I'm hitting my sexual prime and have no one to share it with. (well, maybe I have someone but the timing keeps getting screwed up {pun intended}). All I think about is sex, let me tell you, not always convenient.

While talking this over with a friend she suggested that I put an ad in the Pheonix or Casco Bay Weekly. I've also been told by my brother I should try online dating such as E-Harmony. I don't know how i feel about this, I mean we all hear stuff about how dangerous it can be, plus I really don't have the time or resources to go out on first dates all the time until I meet Mr. Right, or at least Mr. Right-Now.

All this aside, what the heck would I do about a profile? I mean I can't think of too many men who are interested in a fat middle age woman, divorced (well, soon to be- hopefully by June 7!) with a special needs child? When pointing this out to my friend she told me she would write my profile and call me "voluptuous". Ha! I laughed so hard I almost peed a little, as well as couldn't breathe. That is NOT a word I would use to describe me. I am round. The only curves I have are the rolls, that make up my roundness. Talk about false advertising!

At least I have my battery powered friends to "help me out" since I've got a feeling I'm going to be alone for quite a while yet. Alas......

Curse my family genetics

My family has always had "certain issues". I had always hoped and prayed to have skipped these genetics. I still pray that my "issue" is only a temporary problem because I've been run down and sick, but I fear this is not the case......

Yesterday, and again this morning as I coughed away (thanks to my wonderful chest cold) I peed a little. I was horrified. I mean, I'm not even 40 yet. I shouldn't be having incontinence issues! I mean, you watch the commercials- Whoopie Goldberg (sp?) had those commercials for the 60+ years talking about when you sneeze or cough. How can this apply to me already? Next thing you know I'll be having accidents when I pass gas!! Oh the horror of my prematurely aging bladder!!!! I guess I really will be investing in Poise.

The truth about chest colds

This post is not really about the truth about chest colds. It's about the progression of MY chest cold.

For those of you who read my other blogs, you may not know this about me (because I'm so shy and modest. Yeah, right) but I really hate to be sick. I'm better with serious illnesses, or recovering from major surgeries. When it comes to a cold or a minor illness- I'm a cry baby. I feel like crawling in bed and having everyone wait o. Me hand and foot. This is obviously NOT going to happen since I live alone with an autistic child, but I still want it, so I whine about it.

Anyway, back to the progression of my chest cold. All this coughing has done a number on my voice, when I can talk that is. My normal voice went away. (that's ok, I'm not a fan anyway) and in its place was the voice of a phone sex operator. ( Not that I'd have a go at that profession, but I had the voice for it, and that's ok with me). The sad thing is, that voice didn't last as long as I would have liked. Now, I'd like to say that's because I was getting better but alas, I started developing the voice of an old man who smokes 5 packs a day. Not my shining moment.

Well, I think I'm on the mend, not only because my chest feels a little better, but because I have a sexy voice again. Wait, this time I have a sexy man voice. Ah well, I still sound like a man, but at least it's a sexy man right?

I'm sexy and I know it.......

Calendar

Every year I make a calendar through snapfish. They are a wonderful on line company that stores all my pictures "somewhere" for free. All I have to do is buy something once a year.

This is easy for me, I like taking pictures, scrap booking (although I haven't done this in a while), make cards and other art stuff. I like to craft, what can I say? It's my crack.....

Anyway, back to the calendars. My hopefully-soon-to-be-ex just called me asking about the calendar. See, now that we are no longer together, and I didn't make him one, and don't take his picture anymore I didn't put his picture on his birthday. So, he calls asking me why everyone else in MY family has their picture on their birthdays but he has a picture of storm clouds. Hahahaha!

Why does he think he has that picture? Really? Did he want a rose? A sunset? For me to get on his Facebook page and pay to have a picture of him to be printed? I think not. I don't hate him anymore, but this calendar isn't for him. The only reason there is even a acknowledgment of his birthday is because of our son.

Anyway, I told him there was no significance to the picture, it was just a picture I liked. (and it really is a picture I like). Does he really need to know that although it is a good picture there is a relevance to the storm clouds? Nah, let's not cause more storms than necessary. ;~)

Bucket list

So I guess I can add "BEING" a stalker to my "other bucket list".

There is a really nice/very cute guy where I get coffee. I happened to stop here a while back because it was on the way to where I was taking a client. I usually stop at other coffee shops, well I DID. Now I find myself deliberately going out of my way to get coffee from his store.

He is very nice every time I see him. I think in reality he is just being a great server, but in my mind he's flirting with me and we might get married. :)

When I walk in, I am immediately looking for him, if I spy him, I quickly look away so he doesn't realize I'm stalking him. However, he always will go out of his way to wave or smile. He has even been known to wave both arms around to get MY attention. Of course this is because he doesn't realize I'm just playing hard to get. I'm way ahead of him. Already seen him and I'm planning the wedding.

Ok, so I'm not really planning a wedding, and I'm not REALLY stalking him, but I do go to his store hoping to see him. I also am drinking A LOT more coffee than before. ;)

I think this morning he might have been trying to subtly ask me out, or at least feel me out as to whether or not I am interested (I AM! I say jumping up and down) but my stupid MS was acting up at the worst possible time. I didn't really catch his question about my weekend and instead of asking hi to repeat it I gave an answer that by the look on his face didn't make much sense. When I analyzed the conversation later I realized I may have made a mistake. Drat, drat, and double drat! Foiled again!

Hope he asks again, and yes, I blamed the MS! This is the first time in over a month I've blamed my MS for my stupidity so I'm long overdue!!

Straight face

It can be hard to keep a straight face when dealing with children. Especially when they are having a "hissy fit".

My son was in Spring Harbor for 6 weeks. He got a lot of help while there and has come such a long way. This does not mean I was under any delusions that he was "fixed" or "cured". I knew that this was just a jumping off point. They got us started and now it's up to us (hopefully-soon-to-be-ex and I) to keep the momentum going so he continues to grow in his ability to cope and be flexible.

I had a great honeymoon period, although it was only just under 48 hours. We went to the library. When he said that since he was only going to check out one book so I should buy him something at SAMS Club. I explained that I wasn't going to do that (other than the gum I was getting him). He proceeded to get very loud at the library. We got in the car where he then told me how it's been 5 months since we last got him anything. I reminded
Him that Christmas was less than three months ago, his dad got him a toy on Thursday, we took him out to lunch Thursday, took him out to eat Friday night with his grandparents, AND I bought several things for him to earn (3 of which he already earned for such great choices and behavior!) none of this was true according to him. He hadn't gotten anything in at least 7 months. (it keeps growing)
He then decided to talk to himself (so I could hear- for a reaction I'm sure) stating that he wants to die. He doesn't get anything from his parents. He doesn't get to eat ever, nothing to drink, no toys to play with, he never gets to go out, life is too boring to want to live, if his mom and dad don't stop being so rude to him he will get new parents who will be nice to him. Because my child who has a whole room dedicated to his toys and games and trampoline and therapy items has nothing. We won't even let him eat or drink. We are so mean! All he can do is lay there and stare into nothing.

Needless to say, this went on for about 20 minutes. The whole time I ignored him so as not get into the "debate" he so wanted. I did remind him that he lost a point for "kind and appropriate words". This is why the inside of my cheek is raw. I kept biting it to keep from laughing at my child.

We arrived home, he laid on my lap on the couch and cried for about a minute before he was back to being this amazing kid that came home from SH. I love my child and realize he struggles with things most of us find so easy and simple, but today I think he was just being a kid, and I'm proud of myself for following the plan, and especially for keeping a straight face.

Kids say the darnedest things......