The JOKE

While enjoying my cousins wedding (when I wasn't being scarred by my male family members) I walked up to my brother, a male cousin, and a friend of the family- one of my uncles best friends. They shooed me away as I got close and then all looked embarrassed and chuckled a little.

After, the family friend came over to apologize and explain that he had been telling a "man joke". Now, he was quite inebriated at the time, which was quite amusing to watch. Here is as close as I can get to the conversation that followed.

I will warn you now that in this reselling of the conversation I will be sharing the "man joke". So step away now and avert your eyes if you don't like inappropriate jokes.

P: sorry, I was telling a MAN joke, it has ladies genitalia, alcohol and a little anal in it. I can't tell these kinds of jokes in front of women because they are "man jokes".

Me: that's ok, I figured it was something like that.

P: well, I'm drunk enough that I could probably tell it to you if you wanted to hear it.

Me: ok, it's up to you but I don't offend easily and have heard some pretty bad jokes in my time...

P: no, I can't tell you. It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it. I'd be too embarrassed.

Me: ok

P: well, if you're sure you won't be offended......I can't believe I'm telling you this...it's a man joke. It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it.

Me: it's up to you P.

P: ok, a man walks into a bar...are you sure you want to hear this? It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it...

Me: it's fine P. you've started now...you have to finish.

P: so the man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender says sure thing and sets down an apple in front of the patron. Are you sure you want to hear this? I'm so embarrassed.....so the guy asks "what is this? I ordered a r&c not an apple." The bartender tells him to take a bite. The man does and seems amazed. "I taste coke...it's all fizzy, that's amazing!" The bartender then says "turn it around..." The man does and is amazed when he takes a bite..."it tastes like Bacardi! Wow, that's incredible."
Another man walks into the bar...are you sure you want to hear this? I can't believe I'm telling you this. I must be really drunk. This joke is a mans joke, it has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it... This second guy says "I've had a very long day. I need something light and refreshing, can I have a gin and tonic please?" The bartender says sure and puts an apple down in front of the guy. When he complains the bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and is amazed. "I taste gin. How did you do that?" The bartender replies "turn it around....." The man does and get so excited "it tastes light and fizzy and refreshing. Just like seltzer water! I can't believe you made a g&t from an apple!"

At this point P sees his wife walk by and starts expounding on how she is the hottest woman in the world (very sweet to see and hear someone who is still so in love with their spouse). My brother walks up at this point and P asks him if he should tell me the joke as its a "mans joke" and has ladies genitalia and alcohol and a little anal in it. My brother responded that I was an adult and I knew what I was getting I to. So P continued after telling me yet again that he was so embarrassed.

P: a third man walks into the bar, walks up to the bar and says " I've had a hell of a day...my girlfriend just left me after 5 years. I don't know if you can help me, but I need a drink that tastes like a woman. I mean A WOMAN. (If you know what I mean)." The bartender replied " I know how you feel. I've been there myself, and I've been experimenting. I think I have exactly what you want." And with that he puts an apple on the bar. The man looks very puzzled, but the other two patrons encourage him to try it. So he takes a bite and spits it out immediately. "Oh! That tastes like sh#t!" The bartender then replies "turn it around.........."

At this point P is 50 shades of red and stumbling all over himself telling me he is so embarrassed he told me and asking me if I was offended. To this I replied:

"P, you should be ashamed of yourself! You watched me grow up!"

I think he almost fainted! It was the best laugh of the night as far as I was concerned. Poor P, I don't think he will ever bring himself to tell another woman a "man joke" again.

Wedding scars

It's been a week since my cousins wedding. It was beautiful, and wonderful to share in their day with loved ones.

I don't know if you read my post about my brothers wedding and how I had a certain family member who was "a little inappropriate" to say the least.... Anyway, apparently I just have some family members who have boundary issues. My grandfather grabbed my a$$ and started growling and barking like a dog who likes what he sees. OMGoodness! When he saw the expression on my face he laughed and told me that I shouldn't be surprised, shocked or upset that he did that. (I guess I'm supposed to be grateful? I may not have a man that's interested in me, but my grandfather? Still not impressed).

My uncle from last years wedding- he was much more appropriate this time around--most likely because it was his daughter getting married-- although he did almost rip out an earring on his way by and grab me a couple of times. Other than that, I had another uncle (not actually an uncle, my cousins uncle-but he was like my uncle growing up) kept touching me every time he was near me. Putting his arm around me and hugging me every chance he got. Really? How come I can only attract older men from MY FAMILY??? Where are the non-related men I might want to date.....cause I've got to tell you... I DON'T do family on the dating circuit. (Not that I date, or have the opportunity, or can find someone who's interested...but that's another story for another time.)

Moving on, spending the evening with my brother and sister-in-law was a lot of fun, but I felt like they were babysitting me because I was alone. Way to make me feel like a winner...

There was a photo booth at the wedding, anyone who knows me knows I HATE having my picture taken, but 1&1/2 glasses of wine will make everything seem like a better idea than it was before. I got in there with several people...costumes also make it easier...

All in all, there was fun to be had, and scars that need to be overcome.

Weddings for the single woman

What could this possibly be about you ask? I'll tell you. When you are single and invited to a wedding, etiquette would dictate the invitation be addressed the intended invitee and guest, or +1.

Now, I didn't realize it at the time but when my brother got married the invitation was addressed to ONLY me. I understand my son not being invited. A lot of people do not want children at their wedding, I get that. The reason I am thinking about my brothers wedding is because my cousin is getting married next month and I just got my invitation to her wedding.

Surprise! It is addressed to only me again. I know that I am only days/weeks till I am a legally single woman, but I've been living alone for going on 3 years now. Do my family really think I can't find a date to a wedding? They don't even give me the option for a date. I'm feeling very insulted. I have to tell you that if the next wedding I'm invited to it doesn't have a +1 I am adding this to my "other bucket list".

How rude!

Chocolate bonbon

This is a story about a boy and a girl, how they fell in love, and got engaged to be married this pushing me into a mental breakdown.

How does that work you ask? Well, my friend asked me to be in her wedding. (I think she felt obligated since she was my maid of honor) I was thrilled for her, really I was. Being in love and pledging yourselves to each other is a beautiful thing. I truly believe that, even being a little jaded from my own.

Well, next I heard about the wedding was when my friend told me she had picked out the bridesmaid dresses. She was beyond excited. Even told me that it was perfect and would flatter everyone's body type. This put me at ease, as I'm very self-conscious about my body. Then she showed me the dress. Really? Flatter everyone? Is she high??? At least it was a beautiful color: dark chocolate brown.

The rest of it? Form fitting and strapless! Need I say more? I mean come on. My figure is round. Who honestly thinks form fitting and strapless looks good on round??

Thus my nervous breakdown.... This was February and the wedding was scheduled for October. Guess it was time to stop eating till the wedding.

A few weeks later she asked me if I had ordered my dress, everyone else had. So I went, ordered and paid for this beautiful and horrible gown. A month later I was told it was in. I put off picking up the gown for as long as I possibly could. My friend called me every 2 days asking me to please please please pick up the dress.

Then I got the call from said friend saying she called off the wedding.. I went to David Bridal and tried to get my money back. I mean, they were still in possession of the dress. They knew it had never been worn, but they refused. They told me the bride needed to ok the return. She called them and they still refused to give me a refund. They did however, offer to exchange the dress for another formal gown. Seriously? I am such a casual girl it isn't funny. I don't dress up for anything. Ok, well I'll make the effort for weddings and funerals, but other than that? I don't go anywhere I need to dress up. I get peed on, thrown up on, clothes ripped at work. I'm dressing for comfort with a change of clothes in the car!!

I brought the dress home. It's still hanging in my closet 5 years later.....

They eventually worked through their issues and got married a year and a half later. By then I was not where I wanted to be as far as weight (when was the last time I was? That's what I want to know) is concerned. I bowed out of the wedding party, but happily agreed to sing for them during the ceremony. It worked out for the best. If I had been in the wedding I would have been the chocolate bonbon rolling down the aisle.

Please be gentle!!!!!

I have a wonderful family.  Really I do.........  Remember how my uncle violated me at my brothers wedding?  He was at Thanksgiving dinner, guess what I got? Yeah, I got 3 kisses from him on the mouth, lasting more than 3 seconds each.  Very disturbing.  I know these things only happen with him after he's been drinking, but really, do I need to have such an intimate relationship with my uncle?  I think NOT!  I mean, I know I'm his favorite (only) niece, but really......

But it gets better, I think I get my lack of mental filters from my grandfather.  Yes, I really do.  I remember when I made dinner for him and his girlfriend several years ago. (My grandmother was in a nursing home with Alzheimers at the time) I made this beautiful meal, we all sat down to eat and he felt that was the moment to tell me that his girlfriend  was sleeping at his place most nights.  That's not that bad part, although I really don't need to know anything about his love life.  As far as I'm concerned, my grandparents lost the urge/desire/ability to have sex after their 3rd child was born, just like my parents after my brother came along.  That's just the way it is in my head, can't tell me differently........la la la la la la la la la la la can't hear you!!!!!

Anyway, back to my story: He then proceeded to tell me that although they were sleeping together, that was all they were doing because even though he was taking Viagra, he still couldn't get it up.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    That is an image that is forever burned into my brain much to my eternal regret.  I have tried to erase it, I have tried to replace it, I am not having any luck.

My grandfather moved down to Florida this summer with all intention of dying down there.  Well, his health requires him to have more care than he likes, and the family finally convinced him to move back to Maine.  He is living in a cute little studio apartment in an assisted living facility.  I saw him at Thanksgiving as well, he was quick to tell me the best part of the apartment is the double bed, in case he wants to invite "company" over.  EEEWWWW  I went to visit him the other day.  I mean I really do love him.  He reminisced about his life and told me some stories I had never heard before.  That's my favorite part of visiting with family and elderly.  Hearing these wonderful stories.  He invited me to lunch, but said he had to go to the bathroom first.  Did I mention he has a studio appt?  If you don't know what that means, he has one room with a bathroom attached.  He went to the bathroom, I didn't realize he would leave the door open!  Again, not something I need seared into my brain!

Why do my male family members feel the need to share these things with me?  I mean, I'm open to a lot of things, but I have to admit, I'm delicate in some areas.  So please, from now on, please be gentle.............

Violated!

For those of you few who might read this, I fully realize I am most likely writing this only for myself, my baby brother got married this weekend.  I am so very happy for him and his lovely bride.  It was truly a perfect wedding, like a fairytale.  (Am I spreading it a little thick?)  I actually mean it.  I have been to my share of weddings, and it was the most beautiful and enjoyable wedding I've ever been to.  Every detail was seen to, and I don't think there is anything that could have been changed to make it better than it was.  Really, I'm not just saying that because it was my brother.
We stayed at the Atlantic House hotel in York Beach, Maine.  What an amazing and hospitable place, I could easily see myself living there.  My parents had a beautiful suite, and I had an adjoining room.  What made this all the better is the parents of the bride generously paid for the entire hotel.  Well, you know what I mean.  The only suite we didn't use was one on the fourth floor belonging to the comedian Dane Cook. ( that's a whole other story that I was happy to share with the whole wedding party while we were there.)
 The living room:

 The 52" screen tv in my room, the fireplace, closet and bureau

 My bed was beautiful, and even more important it was super comfortable.

 A full size kitchen!  Say what?

 This was the door into the adjoining suite with the bathroom door to the right.

 This is a picture of the jacuzzi tub with rainfall shower.  It was absolutely beautiful.  However, the side came up to my mid-thigh, so I had to lift my leg up high to get over the edge of the tub, then I had to go over about 1/2 a foot, and go down even lower than the floor.  This makes for a very interesting bathroom experience for someone who is somewhat vertically challenged at 5'5".  So my first night I decided I needed to try out the jacuzzi tub, as I've never used one before.  I started to fill up the tub, but I also wanted to try the rainfall shower, So I climbed/fumbled my way into the tub, was thoroughly enjoying myself in the bath when I was overcome with the need to go pee.  What the hell to do? Here I am in a beautiful tub which is filling up with water, so peeing in the tub is out, (I refuse to sit in my own pee, I'm sure you can understand and hopefully agree with me.  If you don't, please stop reading and leave my blog site, we clearly are not on the same page.)
So I very gracefully (not) hoisted my overly voluptuous body out of the tub ( looked a lot like landing a large aquatic, unattractive fish/ creature), and dripped water all over the floor as I waddled to the toilet, used the facilities.  Then I had to roll/flop my way back into the tub.  Now, from here on till I got out for the night I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Very relaxing, if only there was a ladder to get in and out I would have one installed in my house.
But what does this have to do with being violated you ask?  Unless, I am saying that I was violated in the tub, then nothing, I just found it as an amusing little side tale.  Now for the real story.  I was violated by no less than three of my family members at the reception.  I know, I know, unbelievable!  But it's true.  I have a couple of cousins on my mothers side that came to the wedding, I was sitting at their table.  I was so happy to see them and get to spend time with them, as I have not seen a lot of them over the years due to family "issues" that had to do with the older generation, not us, we were just collateral damage. ( Another long story that doesn't bear getting into) needless to say, we are reunited and it feels so good.  Well, one of my cousins was so excited to be at the wedding that she was a dancing fool at the reception, including rubbing her breasts against me multiple times without my consent.  Very disturbing, but it didn't stop there- another cousin of mine who was "feeling no pain"  started rubbing herself and her breasts against my body as well.  Did someone pin a sign on my back saying molest me please?  But only family allowed?  I mean, it's been a while, I wouldn't have minded if it had been a cute drunk GUY molesting me, it would have been the most action I've seen in years.  Cause guess what?  Hopefully-soon-to-be-ex still has not filed.  Why you ask?  No idea, he won't talk to me about it.  But I'm not bitter...........well, not too bitter.........ok, not completely bitter.
But on with the story:  I then had my uncle, whom I love to death, but was incredibly drunk grab me 2 times and try to dance with me, I'm not a big fast dance dancer as I've always been too self-conscience to really let go and dance.  So I pulled away, both times he pulled me back for a kiss.  Don't know if he was too drunk to care or unable to close his lips, but I certainly don't need to be kissed with an open mouth by my UNCLE!  The second time I slipped out of his grasp on the dance floor he then proceeded to pin me in a corner, pressing his body against mine and tell me "I wore her out.  I. Wore. Her. OUT."  I am assuming he was speaking about his wife, and that he wore her out on the dance floor, but really?  Did I need to be accosted this way from my uncle?  Then he kissed me again, with the same problems as the first kiss.  This is why I feel violated, and not in a good way!
The girl in the middle is one of the violators!

 This is the other cousin violator with my brother.