Monday, October 31, 2011

Damn you HIPPA

Well, the title just about sums it up.  This blog is to share some of the humorous things that have happened to me, or at least my humorous take on things.  The problem is that one of the biggest sources of my stories in recent years comes from my work.  Why is that a problem you ask?  Well, because I work with adults with disabilities, therefore HIPPA prevents me from saying anything here (or else where) that could identify my consumers.
I mean, you'd really love the story of the day I had someone pee on my head.....really, it happened, there's a lot more to that story but HIPPA prevents me from sharing. Or how about the time I was accused of hitting a client to the police by said client!!!! Not so funny then, but very funny now.  Well, I may not be able to share all these stories, but I'm sure you've come to the conclusion that my work is NOT boring.  I mean the other day I played a game of UNO with a client, and let me tell you, I am very competitive when playing card and board games.  I was not nice.  Luckily my client was a good sport and was just as competitive as I was.  We were howling with laughter, one round took 50 minutes.  I of course won.  But I almost peed myself a little I was laughing so hard.  (is this starting to be a theme in my life?  Peeing myself?  I hope not!)  I know, a little bit of a let down from the other teasers right?  Well, for now I can happily say, that the days of having someone pee on my head seem to be over, although I do have someone who has taken a shine to me if you know what I mean.  God save me, because this consumer is a handful (as they all are in their own way) and will continue to provide me with many more stories I can't share with all of you. 
Anyway, as I started out I will end......DAMN YOU HIPPA! 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Lets re-visit stalkers.

Just a quick note about stalkers.  No, I haven't heard from my "hand-me-down stalker" in a while and I suppose I should be happy about that.  Any way, I'm trying to pay it forward.  My friend (the one who gave me her old stalker) called me the other day and while telling me she felt almost like she was stalking an old high school classmate by reading her blog, that she was giving me an early Christmas present: she was stalking me on Facebook and blogs.  Yeah!!!!  I have a stalker!  OK, so admittedly she's not a creepy stalker, more of a warm and fuzzy, insightful and caring stalker, but isn't that the kind you'd want to have anyway?  I'm so happy, I now have a real stalker and a creepy hand-me-down sort of stalker who I haven't heard from in a while.
So what does this have to do with paying it forward you ask? While talking to a another friend (yes, I have more than one.  SURPRISE) I told her the stalker story and when she expressed disappointment in not having one of her own I promised to stalk her on the phone and on Facebook.  See? I can be nice if I want to.......

Thursday, October 27, 2011

What have I gotten myself into?

A friend of mine has suggested, not for the first time, that I should do stand up.  I'm not sure if I'm that funny, but she believes in me, and I guess her boyfriend does too according to her.  Anyway, I've had an epiphany as to something I'd like to do in my life and figure this would be a great way to "put myself out there" and try something new.  If I'm a hit great!  If I fail? I'll have another great blog to write about here, because I'm sure there will be lots of material in an epic fail like that.
Here's the problem which my friend has not considered, probably because I haven't shared it, I get stage fright. Yes I know, it's not a new thing for a person to get stage fright, especially in a new and uncomfortable setting.  But does everyone pee their pants?  Now, I'm not talking a lake at my feet, but I have been known to pee a little.  My friend better have a supply of poise pads ready for me!  That's all I have to say about that.  I'm not sure how comedic I would feel with pee in my panties.  Yes, I said panties.  What?  You think I should say drawers? Undies? I thought panties sounded a little classier, and lets face it I certainly need something to elevate a blog about peeing my pants.  You'd think I was ashamed, but I think it's kind of funny.  I mean it's been a long time since that's actually happened but I bring it up because I know that this situation will definitely mean I should be prepared to be Poised.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


I went to the doctors yesterday because I've been having palpitations for over a week now (12 days to be exact) non stop.  Scary I know right?  Long story short: my heart is fine, nothing to worry about.  I am here today to talk about the horror that was my experience with having an EKG.  Most people know, it's a very simple non scary procedure. I mean they put the little sticky things over your chest and hook them up for about a minute and read how your heart is functioning.  Pretty mundane and boring really, so why was my experience a horror you ask?  I'm fat and have saggy boobs.  Some of this is from breast feeding, but I have always been more endowed then the average woman with F cups.  Yes, I've said it, I'm freakishly large.  Well the problem with being so freakishly large is- they are not perky, and haven't been for as long as they got that large.  (I envy those with perky breasts)  If you see a woman well-endowed who has perky breasts they are either VERY well supported or they are fake!  I promise you. 
Anyway, due to the sagging I have experienced most of my life I find that when I lie down on my back I have one of two problems: 1- they are lonely and want to visit my face, thereby almost chocking me in their excitement of a visit, or 2- they get very shy and hide in my armpits for warmth and secrecy.  This day they were shy.  I had a 20-something nurse flopping my left breast all around putting sticky things under, over and around my boob.  Then it started all over again when she had to connect the wires to said sticky things.  Couldn't they be done at once?  She covered me up between forays, why?  it was just the two of us, she has already seen all there is to see.  So what was the point?  Does she have short term memory loss and wanted to be surprised all over again in one minute?  When it was over-- less than 5 minutes from when it started-- she came at and started the humiliation all over again.  Why does she have to remove the wires first and  come back for the sticky things?  Couldn't she have just ripped them off and removed the wires after?  I mean one less bought of flip-flopping breast is a plus in my book, I just know she had a hidden smirk when my eyes were closed, comparing her perky and high breasts to mine which by this time were so embarrassed that I think they have taken up permanent residence in my armpits.  I mean it's over 24 hours later and they still won't come out!

Monday, October 3, 2011


For those of you few who might read this, I fully realize I am most likely writing this only for myself, my baby brother got married this weekend.  I am so very happy for him and his lovely bride.  It was truly a perfect wedding, like a fairytale.  (Am I spreading it a little thick?)  I actually mean it.  I have been to my share of weddings, and it was the most beautiful and enjoyable wedding I've ever been to.  Every detail was seen to, and I don't think there is anything that could have been changed to make it better than it was.  Really, I'm not just saying that because it was my brother.
We stayed at the Atlantic House hotel in York Beach, Maine.  What an amazing and hospitable place, I could easily see myself living there.  My parents had a beautiful suite, and I had an adjoining room.  What made this all the better is the parents of the bride generously paid for the entire hotel.  Well, you know what I mean.  The only suite we didn't use was one on the fourth floor belonging to the comedian Dane Cook. ( that's a whole other story that I was happy to share with the whole wedding party while we were there.)
 The living room:
 The 52" screen tv in my room, the fireplace, closet and bureau
 My bed was beautiful, and even more important it was super comfortable.
 A full size kitchen!  Say what?
 This was the door into the adjoining suite with the bathroom door to the right.
 This is a picture of the jacuzzi tub with rainfall shower.  It was absolutely beautiful.  However, the side came up to my mid-thigh, so I had to lift my leg up high to get over the edge of the tub, then I had to go over about 1/2 a foot, and go down even lower than the floor.  This makes for a very interesting bathroom experience for someone who is somewhat vertically challenged at 5'5".  So my first night I decided I needed to try out the jacuzzi tub, as I've never used one before.  I started to fill up the tub, but I also wanted to try the rainfall shower, So I climbed/fumbled my way into the tub, was thoroughly enjoying myself in the bath when I was overcome with the need to go pee.  What the hell to do? Here I am in a beautiful tub which is filling up with water, so peeing in the tub is out, (I refuse to sit in my own pee, I'm sure you can understand and hopefully agree with me.  If you don't, please stop reading and leave my blog site, we clearly are not on the same page.)
So I very gracefully (not) hoisted my overly voluptuous body out of the tub ( looked a lot like landing a large aquatic, unattractive fish/ creature), and dripped water all over the floor as I waddled to the toilet, used the facilities.  Then I had to roll/flop my way back into the tub.  Now, from here on till I got out for the night I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Very relaxing, if only there was a ladder to get in and out I would have one installed in my house.
But what does this have to do with being violated you ask?  Unless, I am saying that I was violated in the tub, then nothing, I just found it as an amusing little side tale.  Now for the real story.  I was violated by no less than three of my family members at the reception.  I know, I know, unbelievable!  But it's true.  I have a couple of cousins on my mothers side that came to the wedding, I was sitting at their table.  I was so happy to see them and get to spend time with them, as I have not seen a lot of them over the years due to family "issues" that had to do with the older generation, not us, we were just collateral damage. ( Another long story that doesn't bear getting into) needless to say, we are reunited and it feels so good.  Well, one of my cousins was so excited to be at the wedding that she was a dancing fool at the reception, including rubbing her breasts against me multiple times without my consent.  Very disturbing, but it didn't stop there- another cousin of mine who was "feeling no pain"  started rubbing herself and her breasts against my body as well.  Did someone pin a sign on my back saying molest me please?  But only family allowed?  I mean, it's been a while, I wouldn't have minded if it had been a cute drunk GUY molesting me, it would have been the most action I've seen in years.  Cause guess what?  Hopefully-soon-to-be-ex still has not filed.  Why you ask?  No idea, he won't talk to me about it.  But I'm not bitter...........well, not too bitter.........ok, not completely bitter.
But on with the story:  I then had my uncle, whom I love to death, but was incredibly drunk grab me 2 times and try to dance with me, I'm not a big fast dance dancer as I've always been too self-conscience to really let go and dance.  So I pulled away, both times he pulled me back for a kiss.  Don't know if he was too drunk to care or unable to close his lips, but I certainly don't need to be kissed with an open mouth by my UNCLE!  The second time I slipped out of his grasp on the dance floor he then proceeded to pin me in a corner, pressing his body against mine and tell me "I wore her out.  I. Wore. Her. OUT."  I am assuming he was speaking about his wife, and that he wore her out on the dance floor, but really?  Did I need to be accosted this way from my uncle?  Then he kissed me again, with the same problems as the first kiss.  This is why I feel violated, and not in a good way!
The girl in the middle is one of the violators!

 This is the other cousin violator with my brother.