Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Please be gentle!!!!!

I have a wonderful family.  Really I do.........  Remember how my uncle violated me at my brothers wedding?  He was at Thanksgiving dinner, guess what I got? Yeah, I got 3 kisses from him on the mouth, lasting more than 3 seconds each.  Very disturbing.  I know these things only happen with him after he's been drinking, but really, do I need to have such an intimate relationship with my uncle?  I think NOT!  I mean, I know I'm his favorite (only) niece, but really......

But it gets better, I think I get my lack of mental filters from my grandfather.  Yes, I really do.  I remember when I made dinner for him and his girlfriend several years ago. (My grandmother was in a nursing home with Alzheimers at the time) I made this beautiful meal, we all sat down to eat and he felt that was the moment to tell me that his girlfriend  was sleeping at his place most nights.  That's not that bad part, although I really don't need to know anything about his love life.  As far as I'm concerned, my grandparents lost the urge/desire/ability to have sex after their 3rd child was born, just like my parents after my brother came along.  That's just the way it is in my head, can't tell me differently........la la la la la la la la la la la can't hear you!!!!!

Anyway, back to my story: He then proceeded to tell me that although they were sleeping together, that was all they were doing because even though he was taking Viagra, he still couldn't get it up.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    That is an image that is forever burned into my brain much to my eternal regret.  I have tried to erase it, I have tried to replace it, I am not having any luck.

My grandfather moved down to Florida this summer with all intention of dying down there.  Well, his health requires him to have more care than he likes, and the family finally convinced him to move back to Maine.  He is living in a cute little studio apartment in an assisted living facility.  I saw him at Thanksgiving as well, he was quick to tell me the best part of the apartment is the double bed, in case he wants to invite "company" over.  EEEWWWW  I went to visit him the other day.  I mean I really do love him.  He reminisced about his life and told me some stories I had never heard before.  That's my favorite part of visiting with family and elderly.  Hearing these wonderful stories.  He invited me to lunch, but said he had to go to the bathroom first.  Did I mention he has a studio appt?  If you don't know what that means, he has one room with a bathroom attached.  He went to the bathroom, I didn't realize he would leave the door open!  Again, not something I need seared into my brain!

Why do my male family members feel the need to share these things with me?  I mean, I'm open to a lot of things, but I have to admit, I'm delicate in some areas.  So please, from now on, please be gentle.............

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I think my hamster Sophie needs an intervention.  Every night she gets in her hamster ball. ( we put her in, she doesn't open her cage, climb into the ball and put on the lid herself)  Once in:  The race is on!  She is a little speed demon.  This is not the problem though......  The problem is--I think she's a closet alcoholic.  When in her ball she runs into EVERYTHING!  Seriously, unless she gets lucky with a wide open space (and we don't have many of those) she is hitting something every few inches.  Yes, you heard me right, inches, not feet.
I guess it's good that it doesn't faze here, although if she is drunk, she wouldn't feel it anyway. I'm thinking of getting a few people together for an intervention.  If you know how one is supposed to be run let me know.  I've never been a part of one.  I'm open to any suggestions and help.  Wish me luck.  I hope she is ready to listen and acknowledge she needs help.

Friday, November 18, 2011

What the heck have I gotten myself into?

Really, I picked my son up from school today.  He tells me as we're walking to the car, "I think we should get a mouse.  They are small, cute and don't cost a lot."  I dismiss the idea.  He persists. I tell him we'll think about it for Christmas.  He's done research at school on the computer.  He asks to go to the pet store to "look, and price things out."  I agree.  That was mistake number 1.

We get to the pet store.  We look around.  He looks at the mice and hamsters, oohhing and ahhhing.  The store associate comes over.  I tell her what my son is thinking about.  That was mistake number 2.

She gets another associate to come over and they tell me about this cute little hamster that has allergies.  That was mistake number 3.

They proceed to take it out so my son and I can get a better look at it, all the while extolling the virtues of hamsters.  Mistake number 4.

We walked out of the store having spend $45 I don't really have on an allergic hamster, cage, food, and specialized bedding (for said allergy).  MISTAKE NUMBER 5!

Now, my son is in bed, I have a hamster (they are nocturnal) who has been running in her wheel for the last 1 1/2 hours non stop- driving me crazy!  She also likes to climb the bars of her cage looking for her escape route.  I hope she calms down soon, otherwise I may go insane pretty soon.  This is my sons early Christmas present, but guess who will end up cleaning the cage?  Feeding?  Watering?  And who do you think will conveniently "forget" that Sophie is a Christmas present?  What the heck have I gotten myself into?


Nice to meet you.

She will run for 1/2 an hour one way on the wheel, then actually turn around to run back.  Does she not want to run too far from her new home?  Is she afraid she'll get lost?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My surgery

I did tell you I had surgery back in April right? Well, I was working tonight and talking to a co-worker about my now being 3/4's of a woman.  Yes, that's right, I am 3/4's of a woman and loving it.  I certainly don't miss periods, I don't even get the cramps anymore!!  SCORE!
Why am I 3/4's of a woman do you ask?  Well, I still have my breatsicles, I still have my ovaries, and I still have my hoo-hoo ( you know what I mean)  but I don't have my womb.
Anyway, we were talking about our experiences of having a hysterectomy.  She had one and loved it too!  Anyway, we discovered that we are both fascinated with the body and how it works.  We both love the show Trauma in the ER.  How funny!  She said that she wanted to watch her surgery.  I shared I wanted them to video tape mine.  During our fascinating discussion with our lady parts and their removal, I shared with her that I did get pictures from mine.  I will share(not the pictures, your welcome!) that I was disappointed that they only took pictures of my uterus before removal.  However the last picture was a little more interesting.  It was a picture of my cervical stump.  Yes, you heard right!!!!  I had a tree inside me.  The surgeon cut it down and I now have a stump.  I am a walking medical miracle!  Ha! 
Just thought I'd share.  Sorry if it was TMI.  But that's the way I roll!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Ah, the joys of motherhood.

My son wants to grow his hair long.  OK, no big deal, it doesn't hurt anyone right?  So I let him alone.  It's long enough (really not long yet) that he is constantly getting a rats nest in the back.  I brush it out as painlessly as possible, but he still complains and tries to pull away.  I repeatedly explain that if he wants his hair longer it needs to be brushed at least once a day.  He doesn't like it but is (mostly) letting me do it.  Well, for a couple of weeks now he has developed this annoying head jerk.  A lot of people ask if it is a tic.  I think it's because his hair is getting into his eyes, but he refuses to get it cut.  Tonight I decided I didn't care, I had him stand there while I trimmed his bangs.  I promised I would only do enough to get it out of his eyes.  Holy Crap!! I did it!  I was terrified, let me tell you.  The last time I cut someone's hair (not counting my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex but that's another hilarious story) was when I was a kid and I ended up with 1/4 inch bangs, they looked eerily similar to the time my other cut my bangs and felt so horrible for what she had done to me she bought me a pair of jeans and a pair of earrings.   Anyway, I'm sure they are not straight, but you can't even tell, but you can see his beautiful eyes now.
I have a collage frame in my living room.  In the center are 2 pictures.  One of me as a young girl and one of my grandmother at about the same age.  We look like sisters.  Well, I looked at them again and to my shock, My son looks like us too. I pointed this out, he looked in the mirror and decided he thinks he looks like one of the Beatles.  (Paul)  Oh how his mind thinks...... then he started singing a little song he made up on the spot about my never having seen his bum.  Ah, what a proud moment......................

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Do you remember?

Do you remember thinking you were so clever saying something you weren't supposed to as a child over and over and laughing that you weren't really getting in trouble?  I remember being a kid, I had a friend (PH) over and she said the word puke in front of my mother.  She got very upset, it's one of those words she can't stand.  She asked my friend not to use that word.  My response was: "What? You don't like the word puke?  What's wrong with puke?  It's not swearing to say Puke.  So why can't she say puke?  I mean I don't have a problem with the word puke, so why do you have a problem with the word puke?"  and on and on I went.  My mother chased me around the dining room table trying to grab me, probably to slap me for continually using the "p" word.
Well, my son has now learned how to do that, much to the amusement of my family.  He has been swearing at school lately, not to our amusement, when we told him he would be punished at home for that language (at home or school) he switched to calling the teachers:  you blanketty blank!  Well, he is clever, he's not swearing.  He likes to rat out his father, saying that he's learned this language from the shows his dad watches while he's around.
I've now been ratted out myself.  He was at my parents house last week.  He was telling my mom about getting in trouble with the "bad words".  Then told her that he now says blankety blank.  When asked if he means the same thing he said yes.  My mom told him that he still shouldn't say it then.  His response ( the little nark!) was "I know another bad word"  My mom asked what it was saying he could say it once to tell her but that was it.  He said "ass". My mother asked where he heard it.  He said I told him to "get your God-damned ass upstairs!"  Then he said, I don't think it's fair, mom can say ass, why can't I say ass.  Then he continued in this vain  working the word ass in as much as possible, much like I did as a child with the word puke.
I admit, it was not my proudest moment telling him that, but he had been jumping on my last nerve for about 1/2 hour already and it was time for bed.
So anyway, my mothers wish came true.  I have a son who is doing the same thing to me that I did to my mother.  What an ASS, makes me want to PUKE!!!!!

Friday, November 4, 2011

I refuse to be organized!

I am not the most organized person in the world.  I fully acknowledge and accept that about myself.  I know I leave a lot to be desired in that area.  Well, for once I'm ahead of the game.  When it comes to friends and family I have planned ahead for Christmas.  Yeah!!!!  I have bought the items I needed to make some thoughtful homemade gifts this year.  I knew I wouldn't have a lot of money so I actually planned ahead.  I know, get a cold face cloth and place it on your forehead, it's appropriate here.
Have we gotten over the shock?  I sure hope so, because although I didn't spend hundreds of dollars on these presents, I spent enough.  (most of it was on homemade vanilla extract- I didn't do my research and who knew that vanilla beans cost so much?  I know my friend warned me, but really, I didn't think they were that expensive)
Now my mother sends out an e-mail to me, my brother , and my sister-in-law ( remember they were married?  See the post about being violated)  In this e-mail she reminds us that no one has much money this year so we are all challenged to buy each other gifts without going over $5 each.  WHAT???  $5 each?  I've already invested more into these presents.  I have a whole gift basket for everyone!!!  What the hell do I do now?  This bloody vanilla has cost me more than the $20 I'm allowed for both parents and brother and sister-in-law!
Anyone looking for a gift basket for Christmas?  Apparently I'll be selling them or giving them to friends, or just using it myself.  That's why I'm not organized.  This is where it gets me.  Well screw you, I'm going home.  Wait, I'm already there--oh crap..................and why is my house such a mess?  Where's the maid?