Monday, October 29, 2012


While enjoying my cousins wedding (when I wasn't being scarred by my male family members) I walked up to my brother, a male cousin, and a friend of the family- one of my uncles best friends. They shooed me away as I got close and then all looked embarrassed and chuckled a little.

After, the family friend came over to apologize and explain that he had been telling a "man joke". Now, he was quite inebriated at the time, which was quite amusing to watch. Here is as close as I can get to the conversation that followed.

I will warn you now that in this reselling of the conversation I will be sharing the "man joke". So step away now and avert your eyes if you don't like inappropriate jokes.

P: sorry, I was telling a MAN joke, it has ladies genitalia, alcohol and a little anal in it. I can't tell these kinds of jokes in front of women because they are "man jokes".

Me: that's ok, I figured it was something like that.

P: well, I'm drunk enough that I could probably tell it to you if you wanted to hear it.

Me: ok, it's up to you but I don't offend easily and have heard some pretty bad jokes in my time...

P: no, I can't tell you. It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it. I'd be too embarrassed.

Me: ok

P: well, if you're sure you won't be offended......I can't believe I'm telling you's a man joke. It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it.

Me: it's up to you P.

P: ok, a man walks into a bar...are you sure you want to hear this? It has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it...

Me: it's fine P. you've started have to finish.

P: so the man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender says sure thing and sets down an apple in front of the patron. Are you sure you want to hear this? I'm so the guy asks "what is this? I ordered a r&c not an apple." The bartender tells him to take a bite. The man does and seems amazed. "I taste's all fizzy, that's amazing!" The bartender then says "turn it around..." The man does and is amazed when he takes a bite..."it tastes like Bacardi! Wow, that's incredible."
Another man walks into the bar...are you sure you want to hear this? I can't believe I'm telling you this. I must be really drunk. This joke is a mans joke, it has ladies genitalia and alcohol in it... This second guy says "I've had a very long day. I need something light and refreshing, can I have a gin and tonic please?" The bartender says sure and puts an apple down in front of the guy. When he complains the bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and is amazed. "I taste gin. How did you do that?" The bartender replies "turn it around....." The man does and get so excited "it tastes light and fizzy and refreshing. Just like seltzer water! I can't believe you made a g&t from an apple!"

At this point P sees his wife walk by and starts expounding on how she is the hottest woman in the world (very sweet to see and hear someone who is still so in love with their spouse). My brother walks up at this point and P asks him if he should tell me the joke as its a "mans joke" and has ladies genitalia and alcohol and a little anal in it. My brother responded that I was an adult and I knew what I was getting I to. So P continued after telling me yet again that he was so embarrassed.

P: a third man walks into the bar, walks up to the bar and says " I've had a hell of a girlfriend just left me after 5 years. I don't know if you can help me, but I need a drink that tastes like a woman. I mean A WOMAN. (If you know what I mean)." The bartender replied " I know how you feel. I've been there myself, and I've been experimenting. I think I have exactly what you want." And with that he puts an apple on the bar. The man looks very puzzled, but the other two patrons encourage him to try it. So he takes a bite and spits it out immediately. "Oh! That tastes like sh#t!" The bartender then replies "turn it around.........."

At this point P is 50 shades of red and stumbling all over himself telling me he is so embarrassed he told me and asking me if I was offended. To this I replied:

"P, you should be ashamed of yourself! You watched me grow up!"

I think he almost fainted! It was the best laugh of the night as far as I was concerned. Poor P, I don't think he will ever bring himself to tell another woman a "man joke" again.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Wedding scars

It's been a week since my cousins wedding. It was beautiful, and wonderful to share in their day with loved ones.

I don't know if you read my post about my brothers wedding and how I had a certain family member who was "a little inappropriate" to say the least.... Anyway, apparently I just have some family members who have boundary issues. My grandfather grabbed my a$$ and started growling and barking like a dog who likes what he sees. OMGoodness! When he saw the expression on my face he laughed and told me that I shouldn't be surprised, shocked or upset that he did that. (I guess I'm supposed to be grateful? I may not have a man that's interested in me, but my grandfather? Still not impressed).

My uncle from last years wedding- he was much more appropriate this time around--most likely because it was his daughter getting married-- although he did almost rip out an earring on his way by and grab me a couple of times. Other than that, I had another uncle (not actually an uncle, my cousins uncle-but he was like my uncle growing up) kept touching me every time he was near me. Putting his arm around me and hugging me every chance he got. Really? How come I can only attract older men from MY FAMILY??? Where are the non-related men I might want to date.....cause I've got to tell you... I DON'T do family on the dating circuit. (Not that I date, or have the opportunity, or can find someone who's interested...but that's another story for another time.)

Moving on, spending the evening with my brother and sister-in-law was a lot of fun, but I felt like they were babysitting me because I was alone. Way to make me feel like a winner...

There was a photo booth at the wedding, anyone who knows me knows I HATE having my picture taken, but 1&1/2 glasses of wine will make everything seem like a better idea than it was before. I got in there with several people...costumes also make it easier...

All in all, there was fun to be had, and scars that need to be overcome.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Sleeping conditions

I find that everyone has their own comfort conditions when sleeping. Mine? I like a cool room, some white noise- a fan maybe- and lots of covers. I love having weight on me (ok, actually I'm trying to loose weight and don't want extra weight ON me, just over me). I typically listen to a book on CD as I fall asleep. This is my comfort zone in the bedroom. I also find that although I toss and turn to an extent, I don't "take up" the whole bed. I tend to stay in one place. This makes making my bed very easy and quick in the morning.

I have slept alone for a very long time...over 10 years. When I was still married (technically I still am, someday....insert BIG drawn out sigh here....) the ex moved downstairs and out of the bedroom when I was pregnant and never moved back. I've had a long time to get comfortable with what I like.

I went to a friends house the other night and ended up "crashing" there. Sleeping with someone (and that's ALL it was- honest) is a very interesting experience. Unlike me, he rolls around on his bed, there was a fan, but not enough weight for me. Just a sheet and a lightweight down comforter. I think in that situation I'd be fine as long as the person (definitely a man) were to throw an arm/ leg over me to give me the weight I crave. (Course I don't plan on spending the night with a man again unless I'm in a relationship, so then it would be appropriate for the arm/leg thing. I find when not in a relationship that would be awkward.)

So, anyway..... He rolled around on his bed- his side to the middle and back again throughout the night. He also kept whacking me in the head with his elbow, and trying to drape his arm over my head. Needless to say, I did not sleep well. I clung to the edge of the bed like a spider monkey unable to sleep for fear of being attacked by flying elbows.

This whole sleeping with another person...I just don't know... Maybe I'll try it again in another 10 years.

What are your sleeping preferences?

Monday, October 8, 2012

Why I refuse to go in blow up attractions

While walking around Pumpkinland with my child this weekend, he was filled with a joy and wonder when coming across a blowup haunted house, or pumpkin he could crawl into and toss balloons high into the air to watch they swirl in the air currents before landing somewhere only to be tossed again. He went into the haunted mansion only to NOT reappear through the exit. I waited patiently while others came and went several times over. My sons staff finally offered to go in and find him. I had to take her up on the offer as there was NO way I was able to go into that inflatable structure. No way, no how!

What could make me so adamant about this when so many were enjoying themselves so much? The entrances and exits. As sad as it is.... I could not get over how much they resembles a vagina. Yes, that is where my mind went, and where it stayed. I just could NOT make myself enter or be "birthed" out at the end.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

My license plate

My son has recently pointed out to me that my license plate had the letters SX and that spelled sex without the E.

Now, it doesn't help that the number were 3999. Now every time I look at my license plate I see a sign for a cheap hooker: $39.99 SEX! I feel like I'm advertising for a sale. I mean, couldn't my plate advertise me as a highly paid, high class call girl? Oh well, a girls got to do what a girls got to do.........(or NOT)