Saturday, July 28, 2012

Taking a trip

Every year my son and I pack up our stuff (everything but the kitchen sink) and head up to our camp. We leave the last Saturday of July and stay (hopefully) for a week. Returning on Sunday. We look forward every year to camp week. I have been going for 33 years, and my son has been going for ten.

Every year, I write out a very thorough list of what needs to come and what we need to buy. I feel like Santa as I make my list and check it twice, then three or four more times to be on the safe side. I always manage to remember everything on the list. I pack up our car and confidently drive the 45 minutes to the camp.

Then I spend and hour unpacking everything and wondering "Why? Why did I pack so much stuff? We aren't moving here permanently." As I open the windows, dust away the cobwebs and put away the food I always find 2-3 things I forgot to add to my list.

Is this an obligatory part of any trip or just my trips? This year I forgot shampoo, conditioner, body wash and my sons Nintendo DS charger. Of all the things to forget.... So just as we were settling in we jumped into and off we went to Walmart to pick up these few items. Last year it was toothpaste, ketchup and batteries. I guess it is just part of the joy of taking a vacation. Does this happen to you or am I really the only one? Have a lovely week.

Inflatable swim toys

My son and I like to swim. My son isn't very proficient yet so we always take along a tube and/or float for him to use. Why is it that if the float is an animal the opening/valve is always put in a compromising place? Hmmm? Anyone?

For his birthday my son got an inflatable turtle. He was thrilled. So I was thrilled. That is until I had to blow it up. Talk about awkward. When I was done I looked at the turtle all inflated and realized that it had a huge smile on its face. I wonder why......

Is it just me or does anyone else think that the makers of these toys are getting a good laugh with each new batch they make?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Short And Sweet today...

A friend of mine texted me this morning that she was stripping......

Then followed it up with "the floor"

I teased her about it and we laughed. I then had this conversation with a mutual friend.

Enjoy the self depreciating humor

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I'm such a lightweight.

Im not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I such a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. I mean I guess it's good in some ways as it shows that I don't drink often and that's good. On the other hand, it's bad because it's just plain embarrassing when I drink.

Take yesterday for example: my son and I went to a friends house to visit and swim. It ended being an all afternoon/ dinner visit. We had a great time but when I was offered and accepted a half glass of wine all bets were off. My friend M was prepping a salad she asked me to watch her almost 2 year old son. Then she gave me the wine..... Now in my defense I hadn't eaten much all day and was out in the sun all afternoon.

I had forgotten how much work it is following a toddler around for an hour. ( don't get me wrong, he's adorable and I enjoyed every minute of it) but as I followed the active child around I sipped my wine. As he showed me around the pool looking for frogs I had to stop him because just walking half way around the pool made me dizzy as all get out. (what does that phrase even mean?)

I remember getting a drink at my sister-in-laws bridal luncheon and I was only 1/3 of the way through it when I had to stop because I was already flushed and would have to drive home.

I had one of those frozen premixed drinks a couple of nights ago. I only drank 1/2 (other 1/2 is still in my freezer) and while talking on the phone I couldn't stop giggling. It was embarrassing.

So I can't decide if it is better or not that I'm such a lightweight. What do you think?

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Handbags and purses

I know a lot of women who are obsessed with certain items. Namely shoes and handbags. These two seem to be some of the most popular. I have to admit I've never been that interested myself.

If I have a passion, it's for gadgets (sadly I don't have a lot as I can't afford them, but it doesn't stop me from coveting them) anyway, I have this aunt who is a..... Well..... Let's just say she has a shopping problem. Don't get me wrong, I'm so not complaining as I can and have ended up on the receiving end of some of her castoffs.

Aunt K has a deal with my uncle. If she buys something new, she has to purge something to make room. All I have to say K is purge and buy to your hearts content. (just remember me when you get to the purging part)

One of the things she likes to buy is handbags. So, every so often I get a call asking me if I want new purses or if he should bring them to Goodwill. Really? Do you have to ask? I don't say this because I am obsessed with purses myself, but because even I want to change it up sometimes and I don't have the money to buy nice bags myself.

Now here's the rub, on the rare occasion I have bought myself a new handbag NO ONE has EVER complimented me on it. However, whenever I switch to one of K's bags everyone raves about what great taste I have in handbags.

So the question just begs to be asked: do I have terrible taste in handbags? A co-worker stated that I must. I pointed out that everyone loves the bags I pick from my aunt, so doesn't that count for anything? Apparently not for without ever seeing the full selection of bags I had to choose from my co-worker decided that my aunt K must just have impeccable taste and they were all fabulous.

Guess where I'll be shopping for ALL my handbags from now on? That's right... Come on aunt K, Emi needs a brand new bag! Get out there and shop till you drop and send me the cast offs. I'm not picky. Anything is better then what I can pick out apparently.

This is the bag I'm currently using with many thanks to my wonderful aunt K!

Saturday, July 14, 2012


As some of you may know by now, I have a pet hamster named Sophie. I got her for my son because we had tried to keep fish and ended up killing every single one of them. So, when he begged for another pet I, in my infinite wisdom, said sure. I let my son pick out the rodent of his choice. My first thought was that he made a fine choice. She was sweet, the pet store clerks assured us she was a very docile hamster who would be just great for handling. I was told by said clerks that she could very easily be trained to sit in our shirt pocket and "hang out" as well as be held quietly. This was good. This is what I wanted for my son and I in our pet hamster.

This, however, is NOT what we got. While Sophie does have a sweet nature and is very gentle (doesn't try to bite us at all) she is not quiet or stay still unless she is asleep in her cage. Which as many know is during the day as hamsters are nocturnal by nature. When she comes out to play she seems to think she is training for the upcoming Olympics. She is off and scurrying up our arms, leaping from our hands to the sofa if she thinks she can feasibly make the jump. She burrows into the couch cushions and under the pillows. We bought a little play pen for her hoping she would like to have another place to move about but turn your back for a second and she treats it like a hurdle and is racing for parts uncharted before you know what's happened.

Now hamsters need to chew and gnaw to keep their teeth healthy. So with this in mind I have bought quite the variety of chew toys for Sophie. She has her pick on any given day from 3-5 types of chews cause every woman deserves the right to variety right? Anyway, EVERY time I put toys in the cage, she takes them and hides them. Now mind you she won't put them in her "special place" until we are not looking. (like I really want to steal her apple stick or cheesy chew....). Anyway, with the treasures hidden away from view guess what Sophie would rather chew? The metal bars of the cage! Yeah, that's right. Do you have any idea how annoying that sounds in the middle of the night? Let me tell you: I get a little irritated. The first couple of nights I thought we might have prowlers in the house.

She even has a wheel, because the pet store clerk assured me that hamsters will run most of the night. Out in the wild they apparent run for miles. Not my Sophie. She uses her wheel like her personal throne from which she stares at me as if to shame me for keeping her locked away. She gives me a look as if to say: "Why don't you give me anything to chew? Look at my home. Do you see anything here? No toys, no food." (this immediately gets hidden as well)

I really don't even know what she eats because it seems like I throw out all the food when I clean the cage. However, I do know she DOES eat because she's getting quite pudgy if you ask me. She could use a night or two on the wheel.

So to sum up: I have an allergic hamster who apart from being gentle is NOT your typical hamster. Good grief. Happy pet owning everyone. Do you have a strange pet? If so, please share.

Ice's not my fault!

I have a little problem. I'm addicted to ice cream. I like many different kinds. I love Ben and Gerry's. There are several flavors I love, but my all time favorite is Dairy Queen's vanilla. I don't know what it is about their vanilla but I could eat it all the time.

Now, that's a problem because I'm trying to lose weight and eating ice cream doesn't help. So I've cut way back. It hurts. It hurts a lot, but I'm drinking more water (most of the time) and eating more veggies. I'm trying, I really am.

I say it's not my fault because I decided to get a quart of vanilla the other day at work. I needed to splurge. I was hot, tired and crabby. (ok, I know that's just excuses, but sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do.). So, back to it not being my fault- when I picked up my quart (I went through the drive thru) and left. When I got back to the house with my client I looked in the bag and with my quart what did I see? A spoon.

Now, a spoon says to me that it is a single serving. Am I right or what? I mean, you get a spoon with a blizzard, a sundae, even a banana split. These are all considered single serving items (whether they should be or not).

So what was I supposed to do? It's not my fault......

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Damn! He did it again

Seriously? What is it about men and hickeys? Or is it just my man?

When I first started seeing him I remember one of our first "make out session" (how high school do I feel right now?) he asked me how I feel about hickeys. Before I could even form a thought -that's how good he is- he dove right in and next thing I knew I had a hickey. OMGoodness!! I HATE hickeys. The only one I ever really enjoyed was when I was visiting a gay friend in college with my best friend M. We were all joking around and he was kissing her neck and gave her a hickey by accident. It was funny, really funny. She didn't believe us when we told her she had it until she looked in the mirror and almost killed him. (you really had to be there to fully understand the hot, but trust me, it was hysterical)

Anyway, I'm not a fan. So, today I went over to see my guy (we have opposite schedules and both have kids so it's difficult to get together-if you know what I mean;~}) so we started kissing and next thing I realize I'm feeling way too much suction so I pulled away. Needless to say, I THOUGHT I pulled away in time- I did not. When I left I looked into my mirror in the car to see a hickey on my neck. I'm gonna hurt him, I really think I will. Ok, well maybe not, but if he does it again........

Monday, July 9, 2012

What? Am I a teen again?

I have noticed over the last six months or so my skin has forgotten I'm a 39 year old adult. It has decided that I am actually a 15 year old teenager. I have had more pimples and breakouts now then I EVER did as a kid.

I have no idea why I woke up one morning to the oiliest skin know to man, woman and child. My clients (adults with developmental disabilities) love to point out every new outbreak that appears on my skin. I have even been told by one lady that I should use Proactive. It worked for her brother. I guess she was trying to be nice.

I woke up today with Mount Vesuvius between my eyes. Seriously, there is no hiding this bad boy. I look like I want to visit India and just placed the red dot way too low.

If I have the oily skin of a teenager so why then am I getting senior discounts at Dunkin Donuts? Or being told that I look like the mother of a client who is only 7 years younger and has a full head of WHITE hair? Will the universe make up its mind? How old do you think I am?

Terror on two wheels

Terror was struck in the hearts of millions...well, hundreds....ok fine! So it was only one, and that one is me.

I decided to get back up on that bike and ride again this morning. Well, I started up a little less wobbly this time, and off I went feeling much more confident this time around.

The first terror I came across was having to pass TWO women who were running side by side!! Yikes! How was supposed to do this? What is the etiquette? I mean the biggest space was between them as they had split the path into thirds. I was debating calling out "excuse me! Fat lady with little to no control over her bike coming through! Move out of the way please!" buy just as I took in a lungful of air they stopped running and have moved to a walk, and moved over to the side on their own. (ok, so one lady had looked back and probably guessed how inexperienced I am and didn't want ALL of this landing on her)

So on I went, then I noticed that as I was pedaling along my very maximus gluteus maximus was bouncing up and down so much I felt like I was on a trampoline. So I started coasting to get the jiggle under control, and realized I will not be able to pedal when passing anyone....EVER! Pretty sure jiggling and bouncing are not part of the biking experience, this was further enforced by seeing all of the other cyclists go by smoothly- not a bounce or jiggle in sight. Will I ever be able to ride like that?

And on I went, I rode 3 & 1/2 miles today (almost twice as far as last week- still pretty pathetic but I'm getting there.) Anyway, I had to pass several people, some with dogs - still strikes fear in my soul, I keep waiting for these dogs to smell my fear and give chase. Then came the 2 90 degree turns (4 if you count the round trip -
And I certainly do!) thank goodness no one was around to see those. I slowed down so much I almost fell from lack of speed let alone the turns themselves. (I'm pretty sure I squealed like a little girl for at least 2 of them but I'm not positive- it was all a blur for me)

So, through all the scariness I managed to stay upright for the entire ride, and didn't get whipped in the face with any vines. So for all the jiggling it was still a better ride than last week. Let's hope it continues to get better and better.....

Thursday, July 5, 2012

My style and grace revisited

So, it is now 6 hours after my infamous bike ride and I had an itch on my cheek so I scratched it. So why is my left cheek so sore?

I looked in the mirror to find 2 small scratches on my cheek. Where did THEY come from you ask? They came from the vines on the side of the bike path. That is how far to the left I swerved to avoid the woman who was running on the right hand side of the path. Yes people, that's how bad I was this morning. Even my face has war wounds.

Don't you wish you had as much style and grace as I have?

Such style, such grace!

Well here we are my friends. Ok, so it's just me sitting here on my couch with grass stains on my pants and an ice pack on my know what I mean.

Where do I begin? At the beginning. I guess.... Well, it all started on a lovely morning in May. I was a month overdue and was finally ready to make my appearance in to the world..... What? Too far back you say? Well you're probably right. So I'll just say this: I'm fat, I've always been fat, I hate being fat. The problem is I also hate any form of exercise, and ice cream is a passion of mine. What can I say, it's true. Now that's not to say that I don't exercise sometimes (certainly not lately) and I do like my veggies- and have been eating a lot more of them lately. Yeah me! But with being an oxymoron, work, my son, my depression.....well you see where I'm going with this right? Lots of excuses to NOT exercise.

I recently got my bike a tune up and a new tire. (I've had the bike for 10 years now and never ridden it- pathetic I know) well, I got it ready to ride just when school got out for my son...he doesn't ride a bike. So, another excuse not to exercise fell into my lap.

My son started summer school last week. Today was the first day I had a couple of hours to ride that bike. So, having not ridden a bike in over 20 years I decided that my neighborhood was not the place to start. So I loaded the bike on the back of my car and drove the 1/4 mile to a quiet bike path. (said shame-faced). I got my fat reared on that bike -after I took it off my car of course- and wobbled off down the path.

I was very grateful that there was no one to see my pitiful start and I soon found my rhythm. I was feeling pretty proud of myself until I came around the bend and saw a woman running in the same direction. My first though- oh crap, can I pass her without falling over or running her over? Yes, my second thought (and much more troubling thought) - she going the same way, she's going to be watching my oversized fanny till I get around the next bend! Well, let me tell you, I rode that bike fast, and I rode it hard. She couldn't have been able to see more than a blur go by. Ok, so that's an exaggeration, but I like to think of it as poetic license.

I had to pass another woman, this time with a dog which heightened the anxiety. By this time I was also exhausted. (have I mentioned I don't exercise?- and it's only been about 3/4 of a mile- how humiliating). I was determined to press on and get some real exercise in though. Yeah me! Let's stop so I can give myself a pat on the back. Ok, I'm done, so let's get to the good stuff.

I rode a mile and decided I wanted to stop because I wanted some pictures. Have I mentioned it's been over 20 years since I've been on a bike? This includes stopping. Apparently stopping is harder than starting. A lot harder, at least for me that is.

Thank goodness no one was around at that minute, or 10 cause I went down like a ton of bricks. Twisted my ankle, , scuffed up my knee (well, my pants over my knee) and felt like the worlds epitome of style and grace. If there were judges there I would have been awarded a perfect 10 for the style and grace of that fall. I know I would have!

So I picked myself up and dusted myself off, after I stopped laughing at myself that is.... And decided 2 miles was a good start to this bike riding thing. Luckily when I got back to the car park I used the poles at the entrance to help me stop - I say luckily, not because I didn't want to hurt myself (although, I think that goes without saying) but because there was another woman AND 2 cyclists there. Oh the humiliation that would have caused.

Well, there's always tomorrow....or maybe next week to try again. Happy trails everyone.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Let me say it again: I AM NOT THAT OLD

Seriously people, I'm getting a complex!

While working with a 32 yr old client today, we walked into Cumberland Farms so my client could buy a coffee. My client opened the door and gestured for a man of approximately my age to enter first. So what did the man say you ask? He said "oh no thank you, I'll let you and your mom go first."

Seriously??? My client is 32 years old. I am 39 years old. I am only 7 years older! And, not being vain but I DO NOT look older than my client!!!! On a bad day I'm told I look about the same age. (although come to think of it, if this happened, and I get senior discounts, AND I get told I'm "at that age" by my doctors- maybe everyone is just lying to me to make me feel better.


Help! I'm peeling

So, remember that sunburn I got almost 2 weeks ago? Yeah, that's the one- I had a raccoon face for a couple of days and couldn't wear a bra for longer. Well, last Thursday, (a week after the burn incident) I finally started to peel--right before I started to blister, I know right? What the heck!

Anyway, I was so happy to be peeling. It's my favorite part of getting a burn. I know that burning is really NOT good for your health and all that, but when I was young, my best friend and I would lay out to get a burn in the hopes that we would peel. Then we would get together and peel each others backs.

It surprises me how many people are completely grossed out by this practice. Cause I've got to tell you, I LOVE to peel skin. It's so satisfying, especially when I get a large "sheet" to come off at once, and it feels great having it done too. A little like a light back scratch, a little like a tickle too.

I texted my friend: "Where are you, I'm peeling!!!". This caused my friend a great deal of confusion as she read "where are you, I'm peeing!!!". See? Very different statements. When we cleared up the confusion it made much more sense to her. Alas, she was not able to help. So, while at my parents home I enlisted my mom to peel me. My father was incredibly disgusted. For the last few days I've been instructing my son in the art of skin peeling. He'll get the hang of it in no time. Soon to be peeling large swatches of skin in a single yank.

Is this wrong? Teaching my son to do this? Will Clarice soon be after my son? Ok, probably not. I mean he's not demanding I "puts on the lotion" so I think we're ok, at least for now.