I will never break the law.

Yup, you heard right.  I will never break the law.  no way, no how....

Now, you might think it is because I choose to be a law abiding citizen, and you would be right.  You might also think it is because I have a strong sense of right and wrong, and you would be right.  You might even think it is because I have had enough Karma come back to bite me in the butt, and again, you would be right.

But, this is not the real reason I will never break the law.  Want to know the real reason?

Strip search.  Yes the thought of a strip search keeps me on the straight and narrow path.  And lets face it, who would want to see this naked?  I mean, a cute guy who can overlook a lot, with very dim or non-existent lighting is one thing.  But let's all remember.......florescent lighting is no one's friend.  Especially an over-weight middle aged woman.

Besides, I think I'm doing a public service.  Think of all the female officers who are so thankful they don't have to search this body.  Yup, I should get an award, or a plaque or something..............

You're welcome.

Update

She's still alive! If a little blurry.  I hope this is the continuing trend with Sophie.  My son is still enchanted by her, although does not like the feel of her tiny little claws on his bare skin.

We are fortunate enough to have a wonderful case manager working with us.  We explained that Sophie doesn't have a lot of room in her little cage.  She offered up one of her old cages for us to use.  I was so excited, it is more than double Sophie's cage.  It was delivered yesterday morning.  My son went to school, I cleaned the cage and then a quick trip to the Dr's again, yuck!

I promised my son he could help me set up the new cage when I got home from work. 1/2 an hour before bed time.  The plans were made, the cage was clean.  Sophie is moving up in the world to a deluxe apartment in the sky!  Things are looking good.

I come home from work, son gets out of bath, Sophie goes into exercise ball.  We set to work taking apart the old cage and setting up the new.

This is the new cage.  Can you guess what the problem was?

Sophie is transferred to her new home.  Oh what joy, what rapture.  She quickly ran around smelling everything and getting used to the cage.  Then it happened......  she squeezed out between the bars.  What a stinker!

Into the hamster ball she went, replaced everything in the old cage, with a few changes in placements.  Voila, Sophie in her old home again.  Well, we can always try again when I have the money to upgrade her.  Sorry I took the dream away Sophie, but at least you're still alive.  And isn't that all that really matters?

Sophie back in her old studio apartment.

She ran on her wheel for 2 hours after coming home.  I think she was depressed about not getting the new pad. (although most of that is probably due to the fact that she can't escape from her current home)

What have I done?????

So, I think you have all heard from a previous post that I bought my son a hamster.  What have I done? 
I know, doesn't sound that bad right?  Some people don't like rodents in their house, even cute cuddly ones like Sophie. It isn't that.  She is adjusting quite nicely into our home.  She is getting used to us.  She doesn't bite me anymore, as long as I talk quietly to her before trying to pick her up, and we have an agreement: I will leave her alone in the morning (NOT a morning hamster) and she won't be a bitch. (excuse my language there)

Why am I panicking then?  I'm afraid I will kill her.  Don't worry, I'm not planning to kill anyone or anything. (hopefully-soon-to-be-ex can rest better knowing that) The problem comes from my track record.  Every plant I have ever brought into this house has died.  My garden failed miserably.  Both times.  With lots of advise from successful gardeners........  Ok, so we're talking plants, why the panic?

Then I started killing fish.  Again, not on purpose.  It was so sad to see each one of them go.  Yes, we are unlucky with fish.  There was Stacy, Phineas, Ferb, Candice, (can you tell we like Phineas and Ferb in this house?) Perry, Doofenshmirtz, and the latest casualty is Squishy, yes, I love Nemo too.

Love this picture with the reflection on top

I have heard from many people that beta fish are so easy.  People have told me that you don't have to change their water and clean their tanks for a month or more at a time, and they can go up to 3 weeks without being fed.  Really?  These people have been very successful with caring for fish.  I thought they were cruel to go without feeding their fish for 3 weeks.  I thought I was being a more responsible fish owner by doing what was recommended for them.  I guess I was wrong.  Cause mine die.  I am responsible for killing 7 beautiful fish.  We still have Princess, we'll see how long she lasts.

Is it any wonder that with this newest death I am worried for the life and safety of Sophie?  I keep trying to get bigger living entities to take care of and they keep dying on me.  Guess it won't ever be in the cards to get a dog.  I solemnly swear to do everything in my power to make Sophie happy and keep her healthy.  However, I cannot guarantee that it will do any good.  If she doesn't live a full and long hamster life I also promise to never get another animal.  I don't think my psyche can handle more death at my hands.

I'm praying for you Sophie, I really am.

She's too cute to die.......

Live damn you, live!!! 

I need your help

I know this isn't the typical funny ( maybe funny-ish) post I typically post here but as most people who know me will realize, I don't ask for help.  Even when I need it.  However, this is not for me.  This blog is about a little boy named Jeffrey.  He is 3 years old and has a very very serious type of leukemia.  He has been struggling with it for 6 months and is very sick.  He is also a VERY brave little boy.

His mom and dad struggled to have a child, they were blessed with this little boy, now three years later he is fighting for his life.  He doesn't want much, but he loves receiving cards and post cards.  I am asking if anyone would be willing/able to send him a card to make him smile.

This is a picture of Jeffrey before he lost his hair (right before Thanksgiving)  Isn't he cute?

He loves dogs, elephants and giraffes.  They are living at his grandparents house right now, as their house is under construction and he can't be around the dust etc.....

This is the card I made him as well as a giraffe and elephant I had already made.  They are on their way as we speak.  Hoping to make him smile.

I'm not asking people to send gifts, that was my own choice.  But if you could find it in your heart and wallet to send a simple little card or post card, you would make a sick little boy very happy, and me as well.  Thank you and God Bless.

Jeffrey Davis
444 Cape Road
Hollis Maine 04042

Please be gentle!!!!!

I have a wonderful family.  Really I do.........  Remember how my uncle violated me at my brothers wedding?  He was at Thanksgiving dinner, guess what I got? Yeah, I got 3 kisses from him on the mouth, lasting more than 3 seconds each.  Very disturbing.  I know these things only happen with him after he's been drinking, but really, do I need to have such an intimate relationship with my uncle?  I think NOT!  I mean, I know I'm his favorite (only) niece, but really......

But it gets better, I think I get my lack of mental filters from my grandfather.  Yes, I really do.  I remember when I made dinner for him and his girlfriend several years ago. (My grandmother was in a nursing home with Alzheimers at the time) I made this beautiful meal, we all sat down to eat and he felt that was the moment to tell me that his girlfriend  was sleeping at his place most nights.  That's not that bad part, although I really don't need to know anything about his love life.  As far as I'm concerned, my grandparents lost the urge/desire/ability to have sex after their 3rd child was born, just like my parents after my brother came along.  That's just the way it is in my head, can't tell me differently........la la la la la la la la la la la can't hear you!!!!!

Anyway, back to my story: He then proceeded to tell me that although they were sleeping together, that was all they were doing because even though he was taking Viagra, he still couldn't get it up.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    That is an image that is forever burned into my brain much to my eternal regret.  I have tried to erase it, I have tried to replace it, I am not having any luck.

My grandfather moved down to Florida this summer with all intention of dying down there.  Well, his health requires him to have more care than he likes, and the family finally convinced him to move back to Maine.  He is living in a cute little studio apartment in an assisted living facility.  I saw him at Thanksgiving as well, he was quick to tell me the best part of the apartment is the double bed, in case he wants to invite "company" over.  EEEWWWW  I went to visit him the other day.  I mean I really do love him.  He reminisced about his life and told me some stories I had never heard before.  That's my favorite part of visiting with family and elderly.  Hearing these wonderful stories.  He invited me to lunch, but said he had to go to the bathroom first.  Did I mention he has a studio appt?  If you don't know what that means, he has one room with a bathroom attached.  He went to the bathroom, I didn't realize he would leave the door open!  Again, not something I need seared into my brain!

Why do my male family members feel the need to share these things with me?  I mean, I'm open to a lot of things, but I have to admit, I'm delicate in some areas.  So please, from now on, please be gentle.............

Intervention

I think my hamster Sophie needs an intervention.  Every night she gets in her hamster ball. ( we put her in, she doesn't open her cage, climb into the ball and put on the lid herself)  Once in:  The race is on!  She is a little speed demon.  This is not the problem though......  The problem is--I think she's a closet alcoholic.  When in her ball she runs into EVERYTHING!  Seriously, unless she gets lucky with a wide open space (and we don't have many of those) she is hitting something every few inches.  Yes, you heard me right, inches, not feet.
I guess it's good that it doesn't faze here, although if she is drunk, she wouldn't feel it anyway. I'm thinking of getting a few people together for an intervention.  If you know how one is supposed to be run let me know.  I've never been a part of one.  I'm open to any suggestions and help.  Wish me luck.  I hope she is ready to listen and acknowledge she needs help.

What the heck have I gotten myself into?

Really, I picked my son up from school today.  He tells me as we're walking to the car, "I think we should get a mouse.  They are small, cute and don't cost a lot."  I dismiss the idea.  He persists. I tell him we'll think about it for Christmas.  He's done research at school on the computer.  He asks to go to the pet store to "look, and price things out."  I agree.  That was mistake number 1.

We get to the pet store.  We look around.  He looks at the mice and hamsters, oohhing and ahhhing.  The store associate comes over.  I tell her what my son is thinking about.  That was mistake number 2.

She gets another associate to come over and they tell me about this cute little hamster that has allergies.  That was mistake number 3.

They proceed to take it out so my son and I can get a better look at it, all the while extolling the virtues of hamsters.  Mistake number 4.

We walked out of the store having spend $45 I don't really have on an allergic hamster, cage, food, and specialized bedding (for said allergy).  MISTAKE NUMBER 5!

Now, my son is in bed, I have a hamster (they are nocturnal) who has been running in her wheel for the last 1 1/2 hours non stop- driving me crazy!  She also likes to climb the bars of her cage looking for her escape route.  I hope she calms down soon, otherwise I may go insane pretty soon.  This is my sons early Christmas present, but guess who will end up cleaning the cage?  Feeding?  Watering?  And who do you think will conveniently "forget" that Sophie is a Christmas present?  What the heck have I gotten myself into?

Sophie

Nice to meet you.

Running..........

She will run for 1/2 an hour one way on the wheel, then actually turn around to run back.  Does she not want to run too far from her new home?  Is she afraid she'll get lost?

My surgery

I did tell you I had surgery back in April right? Well, I was working tonight and talking to a co-worker about my now being 3/4's of a woman.  Yes, that's right, I am 3/4's of a woman and loving it.  I certainly don't miss periods, I don't even get the cramps anymore!!  SCORE!
Why am I 3/4's of a woman do you ask?  Well, I still have my breatsicles, I still have my ovaries, and I still have my hoo-hoo ( you know what I mean)  but I don't have my womb.
Anyway, we were talking about our experiences of having a hysterectomy.  She had one and loved it too!  Anyway, we discovered that we are both fascinated with the body and how it works.  We both love the show Trauma in the ER.  How funny!  She said that she wanted to watch her surgery.  I shared I wanted them to video tape mine.  During our fascinating discussion with our lady parts and their removal, I shared with her that I did get pictures from mine.  I will share(not the pictures, your welcome!) that I was disappointed that they only took pictures of my uterus before removal.  However the last picture was a little more interesting.  It was a picture of my cervical stump.  Yes, you heard right!!!!  I had a tree inside me.  The surgeon cut it down and I now have a stump.  I am a walking medical miracle!  Ha! 
Just thought I'd share.  Sorry if it was TMI.  But that's the way I roll!

Ah, the joys of motherhood.

My son wants to grow his hair long.  OK, no big deal, it doesn't hurt anyone right?  So I let him alone.  It's long enough (really not long yet) that he is constantly getting a rats nest in the back.  I brush it out as painlessly as possible, but he still complains and tries to pull away.  I repeatedly explain that if he wants his hair longer it needs to be brushed at least once a day.  He doesn't like it but is (mostly) letting me do it.  Well, for a couple of weeks now he has developed this annoying head jerk.  A lot of people ask if it is a tic.  I think it's because his hair is getting into his eyes, but he refuses to get it cut.  Tonight I decided I didn't care, I had him stand there while I trimmed his bangs.  I promised I would only do enough to get it out of his eyes.  Holy Crap!! I did it!  I was terrified, let me tell you.  The last time I cut someone's hair (not counting my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex but that's another hilarious story) was when I was a kid and I ended up with 1/4 inch bangs, they looked eerily similar to the time my other cut my bangs and felt so horrible for what she had done to me she bought me a pair of jeans and a pair of earrings.   Anyway, I'm sure they are not straight, but you can't even tell, but you can see his beautiful eyes now.
I have a collage frame in my living room.  In the center are 2 pictures.  One of me as a young girl and one of my grandmother at about the same age.  We look like sisters.  Well, I looked at them again and to my shock, My son looks like us too. I pointed this out, he looked in the mirror and decided he thinks he looks like one of the Beatles.  (Paul)  Oh how his mind thinks...... then he started singing a little song he made up on the spot about my never having seen his bum.  Ah, what a proud moment......................

Do you remember?

Do you remember thinking you were so clever saying something you weren't supposed to as a child over and over and laughing that you weren't really getting in trouble?  I remember being a kid, I had a friend (PH) over and she said the word puke in front of my mother.  She got very upset, it's one of those words she can't stand.  She asked my friend not to use that word.  My response was: "What? You don't like the word puke?  What's wrong with puke?  It's not swearing to say Puke.  So why can't she say puke?  I mean I don't have a problem with the word puke, so why do you have a problem with the word puke?"  and on and on I went.  My mother chased me around the dining room table trying to grab me, probably to slap me for continually using the "p" word.
Well, my son has now learned how to do that, much to the amusement of my family.  He has been swearing at school lately, not to our amusement, when we told him he would be punished at home for that language (at home or school) he switched to calling the teachers:  you blanketty blank!  Well, he is clever, he's not swearing.  He likes to rat out his father, saying that he's learned this language from the shows his dad watches while he's around.
I've now been ratted out myself.  He was at my parents house last week.  He was telling my mom about getting in trouble with the "bad words".  Then told her that he now says blankety blank.  When asked if he means the same thing he said yes.  My mom told him that he still shouldn't say it then.  His response ( the little nark!) was "I know another bad word"  My mom asked what it was saying he could say it once to tell her but that was it.  He said "ass". My mother asked where he heard it.  He said I told him to "get your God-damned ass upstairs!"  Then he said, I don't think it's fair, mom can say ass, why can't I say ass.  Then he continued in this vain  working the word ass in as much as possible, much like I did as a child with the word puke.
I admit, it was not my proudest moment telling him that, but he had been jumping on my last nerve for about 1/2 hour already and it was time for bed.
So anyway, my mothers wish came true.  I have a son who is doing the same thing to me that I did to my mother.  What an ASS, makes me want to PUKE!!!!!

I refuse to be organized!

I am not the most organized person in the world.  I fully acknowledge and accept that about myself.  I know I leave a lot to be desired in that area.  Well, for once I'm ahead of the game.  When it comes to friends and family I have planned ahead for Christmas.  Yeah!!!!  I have bought the items I needed to make some thoughtful homemade gifts this year.  I knew I wouldn't have a lot of money so I actually planned ahead.  I know, get a cold face cloth and place it on your forehead, it's appropriate here.
Have we gotten over the shock?  I sure hope so, because although I didn't spend hundreds of dollars on these presents, I spent enough.  (most of it was on homemade vanilla extract- I didn't do my research and who knew that vanilla beans cost so much?  I know my friend warned me, but really, I didn't think they were that expensive)
Now my mother sends out an e-mail to me, my brother , and my sister-in-law ( remember they were married?  See the post about being violated)  In this e-mail she reminds us that no one has much money this year so we are all challenged to buy each other gifts without going over $5 each.  WHAT???  $5 each?  I've already invested more into these presents.  I have a whole gift basket for everyone!!!  What the hell do I do now?  This bloody vanilla has cost me more than the $20 I'm allowed for both parents and brother and sister-in-law!
Anyone looking for a gift basket for Christmas?  Apparently I'll be selling them or giving them to friends, or just using it myself.  That's why I'm not organized.  This is where it gets me.  Well screw you, I'm going home.  Wait, I'm already there--oh crap..................and why is my house such a mess?  Where's the maid?

Damn you HIPPA

Well, the title just about sums it up.  This blog is to share some of the humorous things that have happened to me, or at least my humorous take on things.  The problem is that one of the biggest sources of my stories in recent years comes from my work.  Why is that a problem you ask?  Well, because I work with adults with disabilities, therefore HIPPA prevents me from saying anything here (or else where) that could identify my consumers.
I mean, you'd really love the story of the day I had someone pee on my head.....really, it happened, there's a lot more to that story but HIPPA prevents me from sharing. Or how about the time I was accused of hitting a client to the police by said client!!!! Not so funny then, but very funny now.  Well, I may not be able to share all these stories, but I'm sure you've come to the conclusion that my work is NOT boring.  I mean the other day I played a game of UNO with a client, and let me tell you, I am very competitive when playing card and board games.  I was not nice.  Luckily my client was a good sport and was just as competitive as I was.  We were howling with laughter, one round took 50 minutes.  I of course won.  But I almost peed myself a little I was laughing so hard.  (is this starting to be a theme in my life?  Peeing myself?  I hope not!)  I know, a little bit of a let down from the other teasers right?  Well, for now I can happily say, that the days of having someone pee on my head seem to be over, although I do have someone who has taken a shine to me if you know what I mean.  God save me, because this consumer is a handful (as they all are in their own way) and will continue to provide me with many more stories I can't share with all of you. 
Anyway, as I started out I will end......DAMN YOU HIPPA! 

Lets re-visit stalkers.

Just a quick note about stalkers.  No, I haven't heard from my "hand-me-down stalker" in a while and I suppose I should be happy about that.  Any way, I'm trying to pay it forward.  My friend (the one who gave me her old stalker) called me the other day and while telling me she felt almost like she was stalking an old high school classmate by reading her blog, that she was giving me an early Christmas present: she was stalking me on Facebook and blogs.  Yeah!!!!  I have a stalker!  OK, so admittedly she's not a creepy stalker, more of a warm and fuzzy, insightful and caring stalker, but isn't that the kind you'd want to have anyway?  I'm so happy, I now have a real stalker and a creepy hand-me-down sort of stalker who I haven't heard from in a while.
So what does this have to do with paying it forward you ask? While talking to a another friend (yes, I have more than one.  SURPRISE) I told her the stalker story and when she expressed disappointment in not having one of her own I promised to stalk her on the phone and on Facebook.  See? I can be nice if I want to.......

What have I gotten myself into?

A friend of mine has suggested, not for the first time, that I should do stand up.  I'm not sure if I'm that funny, but she believes in me, and I guess her boyfriend does too according to her.  Anyway, I've had an epiphany as to something I'd like to do in my life and figure this would be a great way to "put myself out there" and try something new.  If I'm a hit great!  If I fail? I'll have another great blog to write about here, because I'm sure there will be lots of material in an epic fail like that.
Here's the problem which my friend has not considered, probably because I haven't shared it, I get stage fright. Yes I know, it's not a new thing for a person to get stage fright, especially in a new and uncomfortable setting.  But does everyone pee their pants?  Now, I'm not talking a lake at my feet, but I have been known to pee a little.  My friend better have a supply of poise pads ready for me!  That's all I have to say about that.  I'm not sure how comedic I would feel with pee in my panties.  Yes, I said panties.  What?  You think I should say drawers? Undies? I thought panties sounded a little classier, and lets face it I certainly need something to elevate a blog about peeing my pants.  You'd think I was ashamed, but I think it's kind of funny.  I mean it's been a long time since that's actually happened but I bring it up because I know that this situation will definitely mean I should be prepared to be Poised.

EKG

I went to the doctors yesterday because I've been having palpitations for over a week now (12 days to be exact) non stop.  Scary I know right?  Long story short: my heart is fine, nothing to worry about.  I am here today to talk about the horror that was my experience with having an EKG.  Most people know, it's a very simple non scary procedure. I mean they put the little sticky things over your chest and hook them up for about a minute and read how your heart is functioning.  Pretty mundane and boring really, so why was my experience a horror you ask?  I'm fat and have saggy boobs.  Some of this is from breast feeding, but I have always been more endowed then the average woman with F cups.  Yes, I've said it, I'm freakishly large.  Well the problem with being so freakishly large is- they are not perky, and haven't been for as long as they got that large.  (I envy those with perky breasts)  If you see a woman well-endowed who has perky breasts they are either VERY well supported or they are fake!  I promise you. 
Anyway, due to the sagging I have experienced most of my life I find that when I lie down on my back I have one of two problems: 1- they are lonely and want to visit my face, thereby almost chocking me in their excitement of a visit, or 2- they get very shy and hide in my armpits for warmth and secrecy.  This day they were shy.  I had a 20-something nurse flopping my left breast all around putting sticky things under, over and around my boob.  Then it started all over again when she had to connect the wires to said sticky things.  Couldn't they be done at once?  She covered me up between forays, why?  it was just the two of us, she has already seen all there is to see.  So what was the point?  Does she have short term memory loss and wanted to be surprised all over again in one minute?  When it was over-- less than 5 minutes from when it started-- she came at and started the humiliation all over again.  Why does she have to remove the wires first and  come back for the sticky things?  Couldn't she have just ripped them off and removed the wires after?  I mean one less bought of flip-flopping breast is a plus in my book, I just know she had a hidden smirk when my eyes were closed, comparing her perky and high breasts to mine which by this time were so embarrassed that I think they have taken up permanent residence in my armpits.  I mean it's over 24 hours later and they still won't come out!

Violated!

For those of you few who might read this, I fully realize I am most likely writing this only for myself, my baby brother got married this weekend.  I am so very happy for him and his lovely bride.  It was truly a perfect wedding, like a fairytale.  (Am I spreading it a little thick?)  I actually mean it.  I have been to my share of weddings, and it was the most beautiful and enjoyable wedding I've ever been to.  Every detail was seen to, and I don't think there is anything that could have been changed to make it better than it was.  Really, I'm not just saying that because it was my brother.
We stayed at the Atlantic House hotel in York Beach, Maine.  What an amazing and hospitable place, I could easily see myself living there.  My parents had a beautiful suite, and I had an adjoining room.  What made this all the better is the parents of the bride generously paid for the entire hotel.  Well, you know what I mean.  The only suite we didn't use was one on the fourth floor belonging to the comedian Dane Cook. ( that's a whole other story that I was happy to share with the whole wedding party while we were there.)
 The living room:

 The 52" screen tv in my room, the fireplace, closet and bureau

 My bed was beautiful, and even more important it was super comfortable.

 A full size kitchen!  Say what?

 This was the door into the adjoining suite with the bathroom door to the right.

 This is a picture of the jacuzzi tub with rainfall shower.  It was absolutely beautiful.  However, the side came up to my mid-thigh, so I had to lift my leg up high to get over the edge of the tub, then I had to go over about 1/2 a foot, and go down even lower than the floor.  This makes for a very interesting bathroom experience for someone who is somewhat vertically challenged at 5'5".  So my first night I decided I needed to try out the jacuzzi tub, as I've never used one before.  I started to fill up the tub, but I also wanted to try the rainfall shower, So I climbed/fumbled my way into the tub, was thoroughly enjoying myself in the bath when I was overcome with the need to go pee.  What the hell to do? Here I am in a beautiful tub which is filling up with water, so peeing in the tub is out, (I refuse to sit in my own pee, I'm sure you can understand and hopefully agree with me.  If you don't, please stop reading and leave my blog site, we clearly are not on the same page.)
So I very gracefully (not) hoisted my overly voluptuous body out of the tub ( looked a lot like landing a large aquatic, unattractive fish/ creature), and dripped water all over the floor as I waddled to the toilet, used the facilities.  Then I had to roll/flop my way back into the tub.  Now, from here on till I got out for the night I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Very relaxing, if only there was a ladder to get in and out I would have one installed in my house.
But what does this have to do with being violated you ask?  Unless, I am saying that I was violated in the tub, then nothing, I just found it as an amusing little side tale.  Now for the real story.  I was violated by no less than three of my family members at the reception.  I know, I know, unbelievable!  But it's true.  I have a couple of cousins on my mothers side that came to the wedding, I was sitting at their table.  I was so happy to see them and get to spend time with them, as I have not seen a lot of them over the years due to family "issues" that had to do with the older generation, not us, we were just collateral damage. ( Another long story that doesn't bear getting into) needless to say, we are reunited and it feels so good.  Well, one of my cousins was so excited to be at the wedding that she was a dancing fool at the reception, including rubbing her breasts against me multiple times without my consent.  Very disturbing, but it didn't stop there- another cousin of mine who was "feeling no pain"  started rubbing herself and her breasts against my body as well.  Did someone pin a sign on my back saying molest me please?  But only family allowed?  I mean, it's been a while, I wouldn't have minded if it had been a cute drunk GUY molesting me, it would have been the most action I've seen in years.  Cause guess what?  Hopefully-soon-to-be-ex still has not filed.  Why you ask?  No idea, he won't talk to me about it.  But I'm not bitter...........well, not too bitter.........ok, not completely bitter.
But on with the story:  I then had my uncle, whom I love to death, but was incredibly drunk grab me 2 times and try to dance with me, I'm not a big fast dance dancer as I've always been too self-conscience to really let go and dance.  So I pulled away, both times he pulled me back for a kiss.  Don't know if he was too drunk to care or unable to close his lips, but I certainly don't need to be kissed with an open mouth by my UNCLE!  The second time I slipped out of his grasp on the dance floor he then proceeded to pin me in a corner, pressing his body against mine and tell me "I wore her out.  I. Wore. Her. OUT."  I am assuming he was speaking about his wife, and that he wore her out on the dance floor, but really?  Did I need to be accosted this way from my uncle?  Then he kissed me again, with the same problems as the first kiss.  This is why I feel violated, and not in a good way!
The girl in the middle is one of the violators!

 This is the other cousin violator with my brother.

Dragonflies

I have always loved dragonflies.  I'm not sure why I've always found them so beautiful and fascinating, but there you are.  Several years ago I was out with friends and we all got tattoos.  Mine was of a dragonfly.

My husband was disgusted.  Told me he would never have sex with me again.  4 months later I was pregnant with our son.  So much for sticking to his convictions.....
Anyway, my mother was another one who was not happy about the tattoo.  Once she got over me having a tattoo, she was most upset of the placement.  It is on my chest, just above my left breast.  She likes to tell me that when I'm a little old lady ( see previous post....I'm well on my way) it will be all stretched out and look like a praying mantis.  I however an looking forward to the day when I'm 85 and living in a nursing home and known by all the nurses and CNA's as "draggingfly"  I think it's funny, and I assume that I will continue to have my own unique sense of humor as I grow old. 
Everyone should have a nickname and I think mine will be fitting when the time comes.

If I could be serious for a moment

Hi. I have talked to a couple of people who have read my blog posts in the recent past. From these discussions I feel the need to be serious for a moment and clarify the reason for this blog.
This blog is not, never has, and never will be a forum for me to complain about others, blather on about the woes of my life and/or for others to feel sorry for me. I am writing because I was told (wrong or right) that I was funny and I should. I write to show you the reader that while my life holds some hard moments, there can be another way to look at them. I do not believe that my life is any harder than anyone elses. It's just different. I'm not better, more virtuous, funnier or better looking than others, I'm just weird. Strange in my way of thought if you will.
Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of self pity, and what glorious moments they are. But that is not the point of this blog. This is to take a look at moments in my life and find the humor in them, show you that it can be done, and if I can do it, anyone can. For me, it's much easier to get through life with a laugh than with a snot-filled nose and red puffy eyes. My hope is to make you laugh along with me, or at least bring a smile to your face.
And for the record. It still is all about me! ;-)

Paranoia

So I have this "friend". Every time she posts something on facebook (inspirational sayings, funny posts) her soon-to-be-ex is so paranoid he feels the need to ask her if they were meant about him. It may be hard for my "friend" to move on with her life with him being so front and center in her life, but this does not mean that her world revolves around him.
My "friend" likes to put up quotes that inspire her. If she's been hurt by someone (not always/ not even usually her soon-to-be-ex) or about things she needs to work on in her life and herself.
Why then, is the ex so paranoid that every time one of these quotes are posted, he is asking "her" if it was about him. Does this mean that he knows that because of his actions they could apply to him? Does he feel guilty? Is he worried that everyone else will automatically think it's about him? Food for thought.....
Sure glad MY hopefully-soon-to-be-ex isn't like that. ;)

Update on my stalker

So I just heard from my friend that our stalker is back to harassing her.  I guess I'm just not stalking material.  I did find out that he lives a block down the road from me!!!  Yikes!  Let's hope he never realizes how close I am to him as he might turn his attention back to me, and no matter how much I joke, I really really don't want that.  It's one thing to have an old scary "friend" harass you on facebook, it's a whole other kind of crazy to have him showing up on my doorstep.  Let's keep a low profile shall we?

"You're at 'that' age."

I have to say, I am really starting to hate that phrase.  My right wrist has been sore for a month now.  It's not getting better anytime fast.  OK, a little history first:  I was mowing the lawn and fell on my wrist and butt.  Not my most graceful moments I know.  The first thing I did was panic and look around frantically to see if anyone saw me.  When I realized no one had seen, I was grateful, but by then my wrist was throbbing.  A week later my son attacked me and re-injured my wrist.  Yeah me!
After the "attack" I was feeling down and went to Dunkin Donuts and  decided to treat myself.  This is what they did!!!!

Did you see it?  A senior citizen discount!  Let's get this straight: I am not even 40 yet.  I like saving money and receiving deals, but this one did not make me feel better.  In the least.  Really.
Then, the next week I went to the Dr.s  I know it was my neurologist, but I did tell him about how my wrist has been taken so long to heal.  This is when I heard the dreaded line: "Well, You are at that age."
How does he know?  Who decides what "that age" is?  I certainly do not feel like I've reached it----- until I try to bear weight on my wrist---- or get out of bed in the morning.  I've even caught myself making noises when standing up from a seated position.  Oh goodness--- I have reached that age!
I wake every morning thinking I'm still 16 years old- until I move- then I think "oh crap".  But then again I think I'm a size 2 until I see myself in the mirror, or God forbid see my shadow.  So maybe there's hope, maybe I'm not "at that age" but merely delusional in my abstract thinking.  I'll go with that..............

Bucket Lists

Everyone has a bucket list, even if that's not what you call it. It may not be written down, it may be constantly changing. I have two lists. The list that's what I want to do like: sky diving, horse back riding, white water rafting, travel etc. Pretty ordinary I know, but there it is.
The thing is.....I have another list, unlike most people. I don't know what will be added until it happens. See, this is a list of the bizarre stuff that happens in my life. We have already visited my being able to now call myself an oxymoron, that one was sweet. I now can add to my list.
I have a stalker. I know, sounds scary, I don't think it's as bad as it sounds. An old friend from high school has been bugging me a lot on facebook. Lots of creepy messages. I unfriended him and it didn't stop. I finally had to block him. I didn't want it to come to this, but it has. However, it is a little disappointing that he's a hand me down stalker. He was after another friend until she blocked him. Why can't I catch a break and have my own? I don't think I'm asking for much........
Anyway, I also have a lecherous old minister who is after me. When I see him he likes to hug me a little (alot) too long, kiss me on the lips, during hugs his hands sometimes drift a little south. This year he offered to rub aloe on my sunburnt back (and front!!!) I declined, but it's a bit creepy!!!
I can now add another item to my list. I've been stabbed! Sounds much more dramatic then it really is. My son was very upset, snapped while in the car, had a pen in his hand and stabbed me in the shoulder. Now, it hurt a lot but didn't even break the skin, let alone bruise. I mean really? Something like that happens and I want a war wound! Oh well, I guess I should be grateful, and I am, really. Mostly.
Here's the last thing on my list as it stands now: after having a rough weekend, I decided to treat myself with an iced coffee with all the fixings, I try to be good with skim milk and
sugar subs but I wanted to splurge, and splurge I did! The problem came when I got my receipt. I was given a senior citizen 10% discount!!!! I'm not even 40! I think I'm officially depressed. I mean I don't think I've aged that badly.
So I think that's it for now. I would add pictures of my receipt if I could figure out how. I'll keep up on my list and keep you informed.

1. Oxymoron
2. Hand-me-down stalker
3. Lecherous old minister
4. Stabbing
5. Old lady
what could be next?????

Vacation at camp

Well, we made it through our vacation. This year I was able to go to communion every morning, and song service on the three days we had it. I even had a conversation or three with the people at the campgrounds. While certainly not a great or perfect week, but it was so much better than last year, we're calling it a rousing success.
How did it go so well this year you ask? Mario Kart for the wii. That's how. Yup, I bought the game and let my child play it all week. He even put an ad in the daily paper inviting others to come play with him. A few came, but it was almost non stop wii all week. I mean I was certainly all wii'd out. Was this the most responsible decision? No, it wasn't. But if you read my last post you'll understand why I sold out for the week. Now, don't get me wrong, he still went to jr bible study in the am, we went on regular walks around the grounds every day, he socialized at least a little everyday with other kids, we went to the beach almost everyday and he was a server at his classes breakfast. How amazing to be served breakfast by my kid with no complaints!!
Of course I took my showers after he went to bed. This means walking up to the bathrooms and leaving him alone in the camp. I even walked around the grove Thursday night to see the luminaries and show my support. So, it was better than the last couple of years, and I'm trying not to complain for that reason. Of course there is the added bonus of coming home to find the pool and tent still up and not damaged. I even did a little happy dance when I finally convinced myself that it was still there and truely not damaged in our absence. Now I just want to go back!!!

Vacation

As the time to head to camp fast approaches I can't help but remember last year and wonder what could possibly be in store this year....
Last year, I bought a small 8 ft pool for my backyard. The only level area in my yard is next to the fence which is next to a very busy road. So, I invested in a tent 10ftx10ft. Then I invested in sides for the tent, as no one needs to see me in a bathing suit. Then I realised I needed some matting for the pool to sit on so it would be protected. All in all it was a great set up. Only cost me about $300. It was in place, and enjoyed tremendously for 3 weeks before my son and I left for camp.
I packed, checked and double checked to make sure we had everything we needed. Car was packed, we were ready. All I could think was "I'm on my way to the best place on earth. We drove the 45 minutes and we were finally there. I breathed deep and felt myself relax. I unloaded the car, turned on the power and opened up the camp. We were here, a whole week of relaxation and fellowship with the people I consider my "other family". We took a walk around the circle, a time honored tradition, to see who was there already. I turned on the water when we got back to the camp, the pump burned out after 30 sec of water. Really??? I just bought the pump last year. We've used it maybe 12 times. Oh well, there's plenty of water on the grounds. No big deal. As long as I can visit with friends, go to communion, enjoy an hr to exercise while my son is at jr bible study in am, do arts and crafts and go to song service at night, it will be a fantastic week.
First full day of campmeeting. I tell my son I'll be at communion for 1/2hr at the chapel ( the great thing about camp is the extra freedom for my son and me) I was there enjoying the opening hymn when in walks my son, he needs me. Can't wait for communion to end, I have to come back to the camp now. Ok, as long as I can visit with my friends, enjoy an hr to excersise, arts and crafts, and song service it will be a great week.
Next up is jr bible study, I walk my son to class anticipating my work out at the camp, only to have my child have a melt down as I go to leave. Sounds rediculous I know, but my child is special needs so there are extenuating circumstances. He is also refusing to use the bathrooms as he's seen spiders on the outside of the building. Ok, as long as I can visit with friends, do arts and crafts, and enjoy song service, it will be a great week.
As we are walking back to my camp I run into a friend I haven't seen since the last year. We start to catch up, my son gets aggitated and pulling me to the camp. She follows, not picking up on my kids cues, I on the other hand pick up on them, I just choose to ignore them. My friend comes into the camp and sits down. We are talking, having a years worth of news to share. My child interupts every two minutes and starts to escalate to the point that my friend has to leave 15 min upon arriving. AS LONG AS I can enjoy arts and crafts and song service I'll have a great week!!!!!
That afternoon after going to the beach ( where I found out my accountant screwed up and got
me an individual pass to state parks and not a vehicle pass- makes a difference!) we head over to arts and crafts. Only to have to turn around half way there because my son is refusing to go. AS LONG AS I CAN ENJOY SONG SERVICE IT WILL BE A GOOD WEEK!
We eat dinner, after dinner we head to the chapel for song service. Miracle of miracles!!! I get to stay! I sing my heart out! I have so much fun I barely notice my child has left the chapel and gone back to our camp. It's going to be a great week.
2 days later, we have to go home for an appt with my sons psychiatrist. We leave early to stop home for a shower for me and a bath for him. This is where I lost it. The tent over the pool had blown over into a tree, frame bent and top and sides ripped. The frame had ripped a huge unrepairable hole in the pool. The foam matting under the pool had blown in the street. After my huge meltdown, we got cleaned up, cleaned up the yard and off to the appt. Headed back to camp, still had 5 more days after today! 2 days later after only participating in song service my child demanded to go home. Are you
kidding me???
So, from last year to this year I'm not sure what I should expect. Especially learning there is no song service this year. Here's hoping that with all my sons growth this year it won't be so Chevy Chase like. Happy camping everyone.

Heaven help me

I work with adults with developemental disabilities. This is a demanding but very rewarding job. Most of the time I enjoy what I do, mostly. I was given the pleasure of driving 2 hours to pick up 3 clients (2 were mine and 1 was from another house I used to work at) from camp and drive them home. (and stay with my 2 clients the rest of the day of course) I got to the camp with no mishaps, checked them out and picked up their meds and any left over money that was not spent. I hunted down my clients, did a lot of creative packing as they all seemed to pack for 2 months instead of the 5 days they were actually there for. Then we put on our seat belts and were off I put some music on, my 2 clients sang away for 2 songs then lost interest. They quickly all put on headphones and listened to their own music. Blessing, right? Wrong! They all sang to their own music out loud. I should tell you at this point that they are all tone deaf too.
What a drive home right? Well to top it off, an hour into the homeward trip I got a phone call telling me I needed to head back to camp because they packed someones I insulin in with my clients meds. Are you kidding me? I explained that with tolls, gas and the fact that it was 12:30 and none of my clients had eaten lunch ( and are very big on schedules) this wasn't an option. They offered to send someone down to retrieve it, but again I explained that I would not be subjecting my clients to sitting in a parking lot for an hour while we waited. They finally decided to have a camp councilor's mom who lives in the town over come and pick it up. I agreed, and stopped at the commuters parking lot and got down to waiting. However, if you remember from the beginning of this story, I picked up the meds first. This meant I had to take everything out of the back of the vehicle to get to the meds and repack. Did I mention that the temp was in the 90's? And it was very humid?
Finally the woman got there, I gave her the med, then she tells me her cell died and she needs to borrow my phone because she wants to change the meeting place with her child to hand over the insulin. I give her my phone, she doesn't know the number, I have to redial the number that I was called from, then she had a lengthy discussion on why the meeting place should change. I finally got my phone back and we were on our way again, but now 2 clients need a bathroom break. We stop, I fill up the gas tank at this time. They come out, only to have the other decide they need to go too. Finally on the road again, listening to 3 tonedeaf clients singing to 3 different songs at the same time.
Our 2 hr return trip became a 3&1/2 hr trip fraught with bumps, and headaches, ok only one really big headache, but we made it home, belongings were brought in, lunch was made and eaten ( to some very uncomfortable noises, they sounded like they enjoyed their sandwiches way more than they should have. I almost left the room to give them privacy) but we did make it home.
Moral of this story: always double and triple check meds for clients when you are picking them up from camp, and bring earplugs (or your own Walkman with earphones). Enjoy some silence once in a while. It will do your mind and body good. In health.....

It's summertime again

So the weather has turned hot, and it reminds me of growing up on my grandparents farm. We used to hay on the weekends. I loved it. We'd hay all afternoon, my brother chasing us with a cooler full of those tiny drinks. When we were done for the day, we'd hose off and swim in the pool as the adults bbq'd and got the food ready. After the food was eaten, the conversation and laughs were spent, us kids would jump in the pool one last time before heading home to sleep the sleep of exhausted children.
This was my reality. However, this was not my friends reality of haying. While my grandfather had what you'd call a gentlemans farm, my friends parents had a real working farm. She couldn't understand why I would enjoy haying, and actively looked forward to it. She thought I was nuts, but was interested in capitalizing on my interest. So I was invited to join her, her dad, and all the farm hands in an afternoon of haying.
I was up for the challenge. I was pumped. Couldn't wait to spend the day in the field, sweating and working hard. Until I picked up my first bale of hay. It had to be 5 times the weight of my grandfathers bales. I could barely lift it. I had a dreadful thought: they aren't going to get lighter. So I put my first bale of hay on the truck, turned to my friend and said: "ok, well, I got to go now, bye!". And I left. Everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at me. The girl who loves to hay, who lifted one bale of hay and then bailed herself.
I was recently
talking to my friend and she told me her while family still laughs about that day and what a whimp I was. But in my defense, her dad was/is evil in his bale making activities. I truely believe that my grandfather had it right in the lighter, friendlier bales. Oh well, I still miss haying to this day, the smells, the family time, the pool time and the laughs. I just don'tiss evil heavy bales. Give me light ones anyday. Now I'll go back to chewing my cud....

Beloved beachball

So, last week I bought a beach ball. I just wanted one for the pool, I didn't realize it was going to be so large. It took up 1/4 of the pool. (doesn't mean too much as it's a small 8ft round pool). Anyway, my son and I realized it was too big to enjoy in the pool and put it just outside the pool but still in the tent. (the pool is inside a tent because I live on a very busy street and the only level area for the pool leaves us very exposed. Plus my son likes to swim naked when I will allow it, and I have a little {ok a lot} too much of me to be comfortable exposing myself to the whole city of South Portland). The very next day, while I was at work and my son was at his fathers apartment for the night there was a storm that blew through. I got home, went to bed, woke and got on with my day. It was later that afternoon when we came home from an appt and had my sons friend over and in the pool did I realize that my giant beach ball was missing.
I couldn't decide if I was annoyed at having lost a ball I just purchased and wasted the $5 or more amused at the idea of it rolling down Broadway to the amusement, astonishment, and confusion of the people walking/driving down the road. Amusement won. I quickly thought of making missing posters to put up around the neighborhood. I giggled at the thought and diissed it as too silly. That is until I posted my tragic tale on facebook and had a friend dare me to make up signs. So I rose to the challenge and quickly made my sign, which a 2 year old could Have made look better by the way....I'd post the picture of my sign but I'm not tchnilogically advanced enough to figure out how.

Gender identity

So, my question today is: how do you deal with an 8 yr old boy, who says he's a girl? I love my son, and accept him for whoever he is. He told me a couple months ago that he is a girl. Ok. I'll be ok with that. He gave me his new name, I let her pick out underwear, since she has gained so much weight from hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husbands frequent trips to dairy queen and her medications. See? I'm referring to my child as a she....I'm growing in acceptance. Aren't you proud? So she picked out girls underwear. The smile on her face every morning in her flowery underwear makes it hard to be in anyway uncomfortable with the situation. She came into my bedroom the other morning, (naked- her favorite way to sleep), cupping her chest excited that she had boobs and wishing she had bras for little girls. How the heck do I deal with this??? Cause she really does have boybies, but it's from the weight gain, not from female hormones.
The other problem is she's happy to be a he when it's convenient. Take yesterday for instance. HE was quick to whip off his shirt and go topless to get in the pool, he also has the VERY male tendency to grab himself almost constantly. I guess the topless thing could still be a she thing, and she's just growing up to be an exhibitionist.
I guess I should just be grateful. I've always wanted two children, a boy and a girl. I just happen to have them both in one child. AT THE SAME TIME!!!!! I mean really, how many parents can say that. So for now, I'll take it one moment at a time, and love my child for who he/she is. Have a wonderful night.

Stress relief

I've been dealing with stress for a while now, who hasn't really? But the question always remains, how do we deal with stress? I have never been one to manage it well. Binge eating ice cream and chocolate have been my favorites but I'm trying to change that.
A friend told me recently about bug zappers that come in the form of tennis rackets. I was too excited, they had them at the Christmas tree shop for 2.99. I bought 6 of them. I gave one to my dad, knowing he'd enjoy the novilty of them. I gave one to my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex as a fathers day gift, as my son refused to get him anything, and I actually felt bad there was nothing for him. The other 4? They are all for me baby!!!!
They require 2 AA batteries, then watch out! 1600 volts swinging in my arms!! Hahaha, they don't stand a chance. When you get one it makes a very satisfying SNAP! Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of bugs where I live. Now most people would say that is a good if not great thing, and usually I would agree. However, it is greatly dissappointing when you are on the hunt for bugs to zap. Again, going back to my last post, am I just evil?
I went to my camp today to be at a wonderful friends memorial service. It was great and sad at the same time, I had a lot of emotions and the perfect vehicle to get them out. BUT, all the bugs were paying their respects to such an amazing man by not being out to bother anyone today. What the heck?? Usually I'd be happy, but I wanted a killing spree. Hopefully next time I'm there they will oblige. I guess we should be thankful they were not out in full force. Would have made a hard day miserable for most, and I didn't bring replacement batteries. Rest in peace Howard, I'll zap as many as I can for you (and me).

Funny or just evil?

So I've been thinking about my sense of humor, do others think I'm funny or do they think I'm sick, or evil, or just plain mean? The reason I ask is I recently decided to get a haircut for the first time in a year and a half. I was with one of my clients when I scheduled it. We got back to my clients house and I told both clients and the other staff about my upcoming cut I told them I was going to go bald. They were not impressed. One even asked me not to. She said "please don't go bald, you'll look like Sinead.". I pointed out that while the singer looked different when bald, but was still pretty. Her response was "But you won't be pretty anymore.". How sweet is that? But I still didn't alleviate their fears.
I told my mother the same thing, she seemed pretty upset with me. Anyway, I got my haircut yesterday, I love it, but i still want to find a bald cap to wear to work tomorrow. If I could find one I'd do it too. Is that wrong? Am I carrying this too far? I texted staff yesterday that she could just call me Sinead.
Now, this is only one example. I remember when I was pregnant I discussed names with my mother. She didn't like my choices. I on the other hand thought they were hilarious. Boys names were best: Laurence Maurice, and call him: Larry Moe Curry! Come on, that's funny, and clever. There was also Noah Moore Curry, and for an "out there" name: Thatsa Spicy Curry. I was really having fun. Mom threatened to rename my child. Is it me? Do I go overboard? This has been going all my life. I used to wind up my mom with the simplest of stories such as: making her think I failed tests when I had really aced them. So back to the question: do I go overboard? The answer is probably yes. But that's the way I roll baby! And I still want a bald cap! Most likely I'll go to work wearing a hat with my hair hidden. Happy styling!

Pepper

Who is Pepper you ask?  She is the squirrel.  My son named her, I've watched her now for the last few days, she has let me get right up next to the window and take pictures.  My son thinks this is great fun, I'm not so sure.  Then there is the fact that Pepper has eaten an entire bag of birdseed in a week!  Maybe I could understand in the dead of winter when there is no other sustenance available, but in the summer?  Really?  I mean come on, she's just plain lazy.  She won't be so happy as she realizes that I won't be buying anything else for her to eat until late fall early winter.  Ha!  Hope she likes that.  But how will my son react?  Heaven only knows, he might worry about Pepper, or he might say: "I'm alright with that."  Time will tell.......

I'll post a picture if I can figure out how to........

My new friend

Who is my new friend you ask? It's the squirrel. There is a saying: God grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have the courage to accept the things I can't change. She has taken over the feeder, and unless I want to declare war, take a leave of absence from work, wear grease paint and spend every minute of every day laying in wait to take this sqiurrel on I must give in gracefully.
Yesterday when my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband came to babysit our son I explained the whole saga of woman vs squirrel, then I left for work. 12&1/2 hrs later I returned home to hear all about how my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband took up the mantle against the squirrel. When she came to her feeder my hopefully-etc. Went outside and started whacking the bushes in front of the feeder. What the hell? He has ruined my truce! Alas, all is not lost, maybe he's chased the squirrel away for good by traumatizing it too badly that she won't dare to come back!! Wait a minute......
As I'm writing this she is back, sneaking up to the feeder. As I said, I have a new friend......

Poking squirrels

Today I put a post on facebook saying: "I poke fat grey squirrels with straws.". Now I thin from the responses I got and the resulting dialogue that people think I was just joking. I can assure you, I was not.
I have a bird-feeder in my living room window. I recently filled it for the first time I years. I did this with the hope of being able to watch birds at the window. Apparently, this is not going to be my reality. I have a big fat grey squirrel who has taken over the feeder. The first two times I rapped on the window and the squirrel ran for it's life! Kind of funny, however, she is smart. (I'm convinced it's a she because she's so smart). She quickly realized that it was only a noise and ignored me! So I started opening the window a couple of inches and slamming it shut. This was much more successful, it worked maybe 20 times or so. However, yet again she figured it out.
I had to take more drastic measures!! I have a vase on the window sill with duct tape roses. (yes, you heard right. I needed something to do while on medical leave.) anyway, I grabbed one. The stem is a straw wrapped in duct tape. When she arrived again I cracked open the window and poked her. I laughed so hard. Anyone who has seen a squirrel, knows how fast they can move. I've seen a lot of squirrels, but never one that moved this fast. She flew!! She was gone for about an hour. I don't think it was because I scared her, I think the fright was only a momentary thing. No, she left to prepare herself. When she returned I was ready, I had my straw in hand, window cracked, and ready to poke. She was also prepared. She jumped on the bird feeder, I poked, she poked back!!! I was stunned, who the he'll did she think she was? Did she have any idea who I am? How dare she. We spent over a minute fighting. Every time I'd poke, she would swipe at the straw. I did get her
to leave again, however I think I have to give up the fight, she's too smart and bold. I guess it's time to learn to enjoy watching fat grey squirrels at my
window. They need to eat too right? And they're kind of cute...... We'll see.......

I hate vomit

So my son went to a high school students graduation party yesterday. From which his father got him home after bed time. Also let him over eat (3 hamburgers, several types of chips, soda, and goodness knows what else) not that his father will admit this.
Anyway, I got home from work at 9:30pm, took a shower and went to bed. I was eager as I have the emergency cell phone for my company and it has been busy. I've gotten calls at 4am and calls an hour after I've gone to bed, and all manner of times in between. So I was happy to climb into bed and fall asleep, and I did, quickly too. I wish I could now tell you that I had a great sleep and woke rested. Unfortunately, this was not to be.....
I was woken 1&1/2 hours after I fell asleep, at midnight, by my son being sick in the little bathroom that adjoins our rooms. I got up quickly and went to him. I cleaned him up, as he was covered in well, you know what, he told me he was sick on his bed, being half asleep I started towards his bed in the dark to clean up the "sick". Well, this is the part where you should stop reading if you hate vomit as much as me. Still reading? Ok, but you've been warned.
I took a step into his room and stepped right into a big puddle of "sick". It was like being on a slip-n-slide. In bare feet!!! I was ready to be sick myself. Once I finally got off the ride, I started cleaning everything up.
Once this was all taken care of, I brought my son to my room to sleep with me. Not in an Oedipal way, just to keep an eye on him and to be close if needed. Although I did pray that he wouldn't be sick in my bed. I have a queen size bed, shouldn't be too crowded right? That's what I hoped, it was fine at first, he was solidly on his side, and I was partially in the middle as he likes to "crowd me". We would have been fine if that's how we stayed, but I finally drifted off. I awoke to find myself clinging to the very edge of the bed like a spider monkey facing away from my son. It was then I realized why I woke: I was being kneed and kicked repeatedly in the ass by my son. He was sound asleep while doing this.
Is this a subconcious act? Is he seeking his revenge for having to eat fruits and vegetables? Probably not. I think it is his retribution for not getting his Webkinz the other day. Heaven help me. I gardened yesterday at my clients home, and for that I have muscles that I never knew of yelling at me when I move, but on top of this, the best of the best, is that for my concern and kindness for my son and his well being, my ass hurts when I sit too. I tell you, some days it doesn't pay to get up, or go to bed. Till next time......

Webkinz

My child has been hounding me to get him another webkinz. I keep saying no and he keeps trying to explain to me that he NEEDS it for the website. He can still play games, but his full membership has expired, and he NEEDS it!!!!!! He can't live without it!!!! I think he'll wither away to nothing if he doesn't get it, and NOW!!!!!!!
OMG! Driving me crazy! I try to explain that I don't have the money, he has too many already, all his stuffed animals attract dust mites and they are all over the toys AND he has a severe allergy to them. Will he listen? Of course not, he tells me I can give my friends 2 of his toys and then he'll still be down a toy. How do you argue with that? I've been telling him for months that he has too much and we need to get rid of some stuff. Smart kid.
He is the child that whines everytime we go to the store and I don't buy him something. So needless to say, I try to avoid taking him shopping with me because he whines a lot. This morning we returned bottles from our house and my parents house. (they hoard their bottles) we got $14 back. I gave my child $2 for helping me at the redemption center. He was upset that I wouldn't spend the rest on a webkinz!! Aaaarrrrghhhh! He cried all the way home, saying he only wants this one thing so "What the heck?" why won't I get it for him? He'll even give me the $2 to help. I've shattered his world, he can't survive without it, sobbing as if the world is ending. Then, 10 minutes later he calls my mother to play together on the webkinz web site, laughing and it appears as if we've made it throu this crisis...... But later today, I'm sure I'll be asked why I can't just buy him a webkinz, because he really needs it and can't survive without it. Having forgotten that he enjoyed himself without it for well over a year now.
Yesterday it was a build-a-bear he needed, today a webkinz, what will tomorrow bring? Heaven knows. But I anxiously await tomorrows battle......

My life as an oxymoron

What do you mean you ask as you read the heading, well I'll tell you.  I have been having a lot of problems with my knee, after several months I talked to my Dr about it.  He sent me to a sports medicine Dr.  She took x-rays of my knee and came back with a diagnosis: I have patello-femoral pain syndrome.  Well, this made me nervous.  I mean it sounds so serious.  However, as I broke the words down I realized it meant pain behind the knee cap.  Why can't they just say that?  Why do they have to make it sound so scary?  Then came the news that has forever changed my life...........wait for it...............I have runners knee!!  Yes, me, I have it.  The Dr looked so serious when she told me, I tried to hold it in, but I laughed out loud.  She didn't understand so I let her in on the joke.....I'm fat, do I look like I've run a day in my life??  She assured me that you don't have to run to get "runners knee".  So that my friends is why I am an oxymoron.  I am a jumbo shrimp!  Thank goodness, one more thing to cross off my "Bucket List".
Enjoy the rest of your day, and strive to be a jumbo shrimp, I can tell you from experience that it's quite liberating!

BOYS!

My son is such a joy most of the time, however...... he is (and has been for a while) at that age where he is constantly touching himself.  It started some time ago, I would ask him if he had to use the bathroom and his response would be "No, my testicle is stuck to my leg."  OK, that's just a little weird.  It only got to be a problem when he would go with me to the Dr's office and tell them the same thing.  Can we say embarrassing?
I had to tell him to just say "I'm adjusting" when out in public.  But he is "adjusting"all the time!
In fact the other day we were playing a game on the wii.  every time it was my turn he would "adjust".  When I tell him to stop, he does it more!!!  His teachers have talked to him, and me about it.  Our in home support staff has talked to me about it.  When does it go from being a "boy thing" to being a tic, or an OCD thing?  How do I stop it?
My boy has a problem.  He needs help.  We need an intervention, but they don't usually do interventions for boys who touch themselves all the time, and I do mean all the time!  In a ten minute period, there could be as many as 200 "adjustments".  They looking more like cuppings to me, but what do I know, I'm not a boy. Thank goodness, cause boys suck!!  At  least once they grow up they do.  I don't want my son to grow up.  I also don't want him to feel like he needs to "adjust" every 1/2 second.  O know, maybe I could get something like those dog collars that shock the dog every time they bark to teach them to stop barking at anything that breathes or twitches.  Although I'd rather not be charged with cruelty to my child.  But is it cruelty if I'm using it as a teaching tool?  Better not chance it.  Until next time....

Seriously?????

Well, lets chat about the amazing two days I've just had.  Did you smell the sarcasm there?  You should have.

It all started yesterday morning with a phone interview for my son's insurance.  I was told that even without the interview I sent in enough information to guarantee he qualified.  So why did we go through the entire interview?  Then she wanted to chat.  Very nice woman, but I've got places to go and people to see!  Then I sat down for 5 minutes to relax before heading out only to get a call asking where I was from my mom.  Told her I'd be right there after dropping paperwork off at the office.  My manager wanted to chat, and catch up AND had a lot she wanted to let me know and do, but couldn't remember 1/2 of it.  She seemed put out when I finally said I have to go I was running late.  Did half the things my mother and I had planned, at least it included getting lunch!  Then headed to work.  This is where the real fun began.....

I didn't have keys, had to find where staff was hiding the back door key, found that, let myself in and found no food, no milk, WTH?  One of the 2 clients came home having been incontinent in the drivers car.  Got in the house to remember I didn't the key to the med closet or bathroom closet.  No key= NO GLOVES!!!!  Thankfully I remembered that I have a box in my car at all times.  Now you know and don't have to wonder if you ever fund yourself in my car. Helped client #1 clean up and changed.  Waiting for staff to show up.  Client #2 comes home, I realize that staff are not coming, call nearby program to have them bring spare med/ bathroom key to me.  Waited 20 minutes for her to show up.  Turned my ankle when going to answer the door.  Got a call from my manager asking me to take both clients to the office 15 minutes away and get money for groceries, giving me 1hr 20 min to get to the office, get home, cook the only package of hotdogs and can of soup in the house, pack a swim bag, do some medical care, and meds before having to leave to take clients to swimming.  Talk about stress much?
I arrived at the office and told manager that we were doing take out for supper to conserve time.  They got the order wrong.  Then stopped for coffee ( I really needed it at this point) they got that order wrong too.  Got home, packed, meds, ate( clients not me), did the 5 things manager asked me to do, called overnight staff to come in early and left a few minutes late for swimming.  After swimming stopped at store to pick up milk, bread, fruit and snacks for lunches. Came home.

Now I have 40 minutes to write the whole days notes for both clients, switch laundry, make lunch for tomorrow, give other meds, assist client with ADLS, and help a client to bed.  The stress isn't much better. I have one client who won't stop talking to me and let me concentrate and then I get a phone call from my accountant.  Guess why?

Her computer was compromised, and All our info including social security numbers were compromised.  I then in a complete panic and daze take down all the steps I need to take to protect myself.  This left me 10 minutes to do everything I need to do, while panicking about identity theft.  Are you kidding me?
I miraculously get everything done, except client to bed, while overnight staff arrives and starts complaining about how he was never told that the clients move was postponed, although he somehow did find out about it before he had to work his next shift.  Huh, make sense?  Then I got home only to have my  hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband be condescending to the point I wanted to throw things at him.  This was day one.

Day 2 started with a meeting at my sons school, and ended with me coming home late to my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband telling me that he doesn't think he can continue much longer with late nights 5 nights a week. ( Sunday:9pm, Monday:9:20pm, Tuesday:9:20pm, Wednesday:11:20pm, and Thursday:7pm.  So I know that Weds is late, but the rest he's been doing all along.  Now I will admit to being late 2 nights this week, but I apologized, and it's out of the ordinary.  When I asked him if he wanted me to find a babysitter for one or more nights a week he stormed off into the night like I'm such a bad person.

In between all that, I was in a meeting with my manager, shopping for groceries for my son, working and missing supper, and missing voting.

Now I know what you are thinking, how much of this is true?  I can assure you, all of it.  You can't make this shit up.  I can look back at it now and see the absurdness that all this would happen in such a small period of time but I assure you it did. Sometimes I wonder, what would I do if life were normal?  By that I mean normal for normal people, cause this seems to be my normal.  I don't think I'd know what to do with myself, what do you think?  Talk at you soon.......  

Birthdays

So today I turned 38 years old.  I feel older than that half the time, and the rest I think I'm still 18.  For as long as I can remember, I've haven't been excited about my birthday, it's just another day, like any other.  I still feel like that, but it would be nice if the people I was close to and cared for could at least say happy birthday.  I don't want any presents, I don't want people to make a big deal about it, but a simple happy birthday would be nice.
I don't have my birthday public on Facebook, because I don't want people to feel like they need to say anything. I figure the people that really matter, will remember on their own. How wrong I was.  My aunt, and brother remembered sending me cards and even a phone call from my incredibly busy brother.
My parents remembered, but only parts of it.  I know that sounds strange, but hear me out.  My mother planned a birthday dinner for Friday night, (night before my birthday).  I talked to her 2 days later and she was making plans for a birthday dinner Saturday night.  I didn't bother reminding her about Friday night.  I then talked to her Friday night and was told that she had my birthday card and present at her house, but she didn't know when I would get it because I probably wouldn't be coming out anytime soon.  She just wanted me to know it was there and she hadn't forgotten to get me anything.  Well my son was very excited to go to dinner at Granny and Papa's house so I reminded her about dinner.  She had completely forgotten.  She agreed that we could still come out but we would have to do take out and she would cook me something sometime but hadn't the foggiest as to when..  I don't know how you'd feel, but I felt special now.
Now comes the big day, I have to tell my son to wish me a happy birthday, I ask him what he wants to do because I would like to do something special today.  He said " I don't know"  I gave him several options: going to the beach, going to a park, flying his kite etc...  He shot everything down saying "No"  I offered to go see the animals at Smiling Hills Farm, or Flagherty's.  Nothing. He decided on the Children's Museum, $75 and 2 hrs later, my son was happy, and I was broke.  Don't get me wrong, I had fun knowing that he was enjoying himself, and the$75 was for a year pass that includes a caregiver as well as my son and I, so I have invested in a years worth of fun, adventure, and exploring for my son and a years worth of boredom for myself.  I'm sorry, but after the first time I went there I can't get as excited about it again, but if my son is happy so am I.  Right?
Moving on....I got phone calls from 2 of my dearest and closest friends this afternoon.  Neither one remembered my birthday.  I wasn't too disappointed, but one friend and I had talked about it yesterday!!!!  I just had to say something,  I am 2 1/2 months older than her.  During our conversation I interrupted her and said "Sorry, I just have to say I'm now older than you."  She had no idea what I was talking about so I said, "It's my birthday today, I'm now a year older than you for a couple of months."  She immediately apologized for forgetting, I told her the only reason I mentioned it was because we had talked about it the day before.  She had completely forgotten the conversation.  I had to laugh.  My best friend since high school has forgotten 2 years in a row now, this being the third.
I have another friend from high school whom I reconnected with a year and a half ago.  She sent me an e-mail this evening apologizing for not remembering earlier.   I had to laugh again, that she would be the only friend to remember was laughable.  My hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband even got me a present ( "from my son" who refused to get me anything or make me a card this year) and my father-in-law cane to play with my son and the first thing out of his mouth was "Happy birthday, but you're son gets the present."  Typical.
Please don't think I'm upset by friends not remembering, I'm the one who says to everyone "Don't make a big deal about it.  It's only another day."  But you know what?  It's my birthday damn it!  People can at least remember and say Happy Birthday.
Sometimes it's fun being a little contrary, winds people up.  Like telling all my Red Sox fans I'm a Yankee fan. (Actually, I don't really follow baseball.  I mean I'll watch a game if I'm with others and that's what they are doing, but I don't watch any otherwise.  I'm lucky if I know any of the players name from any team.  It just makes it a little more interesting.  Shhhh, don't tell anyone. ;-)  Besides, it's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.   Or stomp my feet, or laugh at all the foolishness around me. 
I actually had a very nice birthday despite all the mishaps.  To all my friends out there: I forgive you...

I'll try to behave...

So I know that a couple people have stated that I over share, but it's who I am, sorry.  I just want to quickly update my last post, it's been three days on the "yogurt diet" and it actually seems to be working, go figure.  (It also still makes me hungry when I use the bathroom, and giggle)
Now on to more appropriate things...... 
I recently went to the grocery store and while there I bought some quinoa in the bulk section.  Upon arriving at check out, the cashier asked me what this bag of stuff was.  I responded quinoa, she asked what it was, I told her it was a while grain.  She then proceeded to ask me if it was a seed, I said "No, it's a whole grain, Q-U-I-N-O-A."  She checked under seed, couldn't find it.  I again told her it was a whole grain.  By this time, a line if people has formed behind me, impatiently waiting for their turn.  I told the cashier very nicely that I didn't need the quinoa today, and would come back another time to get it.  She ignored me, I guess she was on a personal quest of enlightenment at this point which rendered the customer is always right policy null and void.  She checked under everything she could think of for almost 5 minutes, at this point I was ready to slap the woman silly and apologize to the people behind me for this woman's single-mindedness.  When the clouds parted and she had an inspired thought, all on her own she decided that maybe she should check under grains.  Low and behold, she is a miracle unto herself.   She found my quinoa and rang it in. While doing this she turned to me to let me know for future reference, that quinoa is a grain.  I payed her quickly and left a little dumber than when I started.
I will say, quinoa is a great seed, no I mean grain, and I enjoyed it greatly.  You should try it, just remember, if buying in bulk, it's a grain.... enjoy!

TMI

If you are bothered by TMI, please skip this post, it's not for you.

You've been warned.........
I have been on a lot of antibiotics lately, 2 bouts of strep throat in 2 weeks, a double surgery, and a slight infection of the incisions a week later.  That's a lot, and all within a month.  I don't know about other people, but I tend to get a yeast infection EVERY time I go on antibiotics.  As you can imagine, this last month has not been fun for a multitude of reasons.  Can you guess where this is going?
A friend of mine is deeply into all natural/herbal remedies.  She hates Dr's and is convinced that everything we need is growing in her garden.  I'm not saying she's wrong, but sometimes it just sounds wrong.  My friend was over the other day and we were chatting.  I tend to have few to none mental filters about my life and over share.  What can I say? It's how I roll. So I told her about my discomfort.  She was quick to offer a solution, and not one I was expecting.  She told me to go out and get Stoneyfield organic yogurt.  I should start eating it right away, and then take some and insert it up my vagina.  SAY WHAT??  I dismissed her idea as crazy.  I only had strawberry flavored and that was going no where but in my mouth.  Well, I finally broke down yesterday and bought some plain yogurt (Stoneyfield) well, with lots of misgivings I took a medical syringe, we'll have to get a new one if my son needs liquid medicine ever again, and filled it with yogurt.  I took it upstairs with me and spent a 1/2 hour talking myself into trying it.
Do I really think it'll work?  Can it hurt me?  What can happen.  Suffice it to say, I did and then went to bed.  It was very soothing immediately.  So far so good.  Well, it's the next day, it's not gone, but it does feel better, so I'll try it again tonight, I'll let you know if it works.  However, there is a certain side effect that is a little disconcerting at first, every time I have to pee, all I can smell is yogurt.  Now I want to giggle (and get hungry) every time I have to go to the bathroom.  Let's see how long this lasts.......... till next time stock up on the yogurt. ;-)

My amazing son?

So, today we 're talking about my son.  I love him more than life and love and accept everything about him.  He has a lot of difficulties in his life which are going to continue to make his life harder throughout life.  One week after my lying-cheating-hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband told me he was leaving me, my son climbed into bed with me to tell me he was "mad at me".  I asked him why, expecting an answer such as " You wouldn't let me stay up late last night" or "you wouldn't let me have dessert".  Boy was I wrong.  Instead my son proceeded to tell me that I wouldn't buy him girl clothes, let him grow his hair out, and that his name is Samantha.
My first reaction was to roll over, look at the ceiling and ask God: "Now?  You give this to me now?!?"  My second thought was: "But I don't like the name Samantha...."  With that thought I knew I would be able to come to terms with any gender issues that might have arisen, or are yet to come.  I mean, if my strongest reaction is to the name, come on.  So I said "ok" can we talk about the name?  I explained that I didn't have the money to buy him new clothes, but that girls wear shirts and sweatpants too.  He seemed ok with that, talking about the hair, I have told him that he can grow out his hair if he wants, but that we need to brush it everyday to take care of it.  This was over a year ago and he still has short hair.  He still hates it, but hates brushing out the knots and snarls he gets when it starts to get longer more.
I got in touch with friends to get information about transgenders and how best to support William in this.  The good news is he's told my mom that if he grows up to be a girl, he will change his name to Willow.  Much better.
I have always said I would love and accept my son no matter if he were heterosexual or homosexual.  Now I am adding transgendered to that list.
Here's where it gets interesting, this past year, we role play all the time.  I don't ever get to be mommy unless he's getting out of the bath and wants help drying off, or needs me to assist with wiping after a bm.  Usually I get to play a boy, I have been Luigi from Mario brothers, and more recently I am Brock from Pokemon. William is the girl, princess Daisy from Mario, and recently different Pokemon trainers.  We are either dating or married in our play.  Oedipus much?  While at my parents house, playing, I was Luigi, William was my wife Daisy, and my parents were Mario and Peach.  Daisy proceeded to tell me that sometimes she was in love with Peach as well.  What the @%#$?  Now I have the possibility of having a son who is heterosexual, homosexual, transgendered, and possibly a transgendered lesbian? Really?  I love him, and will always accept him, but for just this minute, really???  GOD, now?  you give this to me now? with everything else? really?  No, honestly, it's a joke right?

Ok, that's out of my system.  I do love him and wouldn't trade him for another child for anything, he makes my heart sing and smile.  Sorry you had to witness my melt down, but sometimes it's a little too much.  Well, thanks for reading, hope I made you smile, until next time.......