Thursday, April 28, 2011

Let me start off with the whole reason for this blog page....... I was having "female problems", I went for my annual gyn appt, and when I told the dr about my issues, she suggested I have a pelvic ultrasound.
I went for my ultrasound and was told that things did not appear normal. I tried to explain that I am not normal, but they scheduled a sonohistogram anyway. When I arrived for the procedure, they did another ultrasound first, found that in the two weeks since the last one my uterus had tilted, also, the tech couldn't find my right ovary. I explained that it was shy and with the paparazzi having taken so many pictures two weeks ago, it was done with being photographed, and was just waiting until the cameras were removed before coming out to resume it's day. I don't think the tech found me amusing. The Dr then joined our little party 10 minutes later for the procedure. She inserted the speculum and when she reached for the catheter, the speculum shot out of my body like a rocket. (And I can tell you from first hand experience, it hurts coming out while open, and at that velocity.) So she reinserted the speculum, once again reached for the catheter with the same result. (Didn't feel any better the second time.) My Dr then told me I needed to stop clenching my muscles. I explained that I hadn't been, my vagina was just hostile. I guess I was the only one in the room who appreciated my sense of humor. So third times a charm right? In went the speculum, and the Dr had the tech hold it in place this time. Catheter was successfully placed, speculum removed, and the pictures commenced. Sad to say, I found out that day, that my uterus is a hoarder. That's right, I said it, it's a hoarder. I vowed right then that I would get it help, counseling, maybe get it on one of those TV reality shows: Hoarding-Buried Alive. We also found out that in the 10-15 min since the first ultrasound, my uterus had tilted the other way. What the hell? I was told repeatedly by the Dr and the tech that my uterus was bulbous as well, not sure how I feel about that, but what can you do??
My Dr decided I needed to have a biopsy, let me tell you right now, this sucks. I couldn't believe the pain. ( Of course I have a severely low pain tolerance so that might account for my crying like a baby.) So the first catheter came out, along with all the fluid they had just pumped into me, love feeling like I'm peeing in front of others. The speculum went in, Dr forgot about the fiasco a few minutes before, so it immediately flew back out like it had wings. I reminded my Dr my vagina was hostile, so when she placed it again, the tech held it in place for the larger catheter that was needed for the biopsy. However, my Dr had to wait to insert the catheter, because my uterus was tilting back and forth like it was in a pinball game.
So, to recap all that I learned on this visit to the Dr: shy right ovary which is so over all the media. Hostile vagina, which used to love having company, but I'm convinced that my lying-cheating-hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-husband has over the years turned hostile. I'm hoping now that he's out of the house and moving on, my vagina will get over the trauma and learn to love again. And finally, I have a hoarding/ party-animal for a uterus who needs help.
I call that a productive day at the Dr's...........

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