Naughty and nice?

It's been a while since my last post. For those who know, there hasn't been a lot of humor in my life for a while now. However, that's not why we're here.

Naughty and nice, what could I mean you ask? Well this is the time for the warning.

*********WARNING**********

***this post contains too much information for most peoples comfort level. If this sounds like you, leave this post NOW***

Still here? Ok, but don't blame me when you can't rewind time and forget you read this......

I made homemade gifts for friends and family this year. From scarves, to homemade vanilla extract to ornaments. My favorite present was the homemade sugar body scrubs. They are so wonderful that I made enough for me as well. I use it every night on my elbows, knees and feet. A co-worker told me she uses hers in the sauna, rubbing in over her whole body. Monday night I decided it would be a great idea to exfoliate and moisturize my whole body.

What I was not expecting (I don't know why) was that it is quite stimulating in the nipple area. So there I was surprised (ok, I admit it, pleasantly so) and a little frustrated there was no one there to share the experience with. Then I woke up the next morning with overly sensitive nipples, and the next day, and the next. I don't even remember using a lot of it.

So what have I learned? Sugar scrubs are a wonderful addition to my shower routine as my elbows and feet have never felt so smooth. I also now know that it can be a great addition to foreplay. If you decide to try it, I suggest that a little goes a LONG way. So yes, it's a little naughty and a lot nice......

I will never break the law.

Yup, you heard right.  I will never break the law.  no way, no how....

Now, you might think it is because I choose to be a law abiding citizen, and you would be right.  You might also think it is because I have a strong sense of right and wrong, and you would be right.  You might even think it is because I have had enough Karma come back to bite me in the butt, and again, you would be right.

But, this is not the real reason I will never break the law.  Want to know the real reason?

Strip search.  Yes the thought of a strip search keeps me on the straight and narrow path.  And lets face it, who would want to see this naked?  I mean, a cute guy who can overlook a lot, with very dim or non-existent lighting is one thing.  But let's all remember.......florescent lighting is no one's friend.  Especially an over-weight middle aged woman.

Besides, I think I'm doing a public service.  Think of all the female officers who are so thankful they don't have to search this body.  Yup, I should get an award, or a plaque or something..............

You're welcome.

Update

She's still alive! If a little blurry.  I hope this is the continuing trend with Sophie.  My son is still enchanted by her, although does not like the feel of her tiny little claws on his bare skin.

We are fortunate enough to have a wonderful case manager working with us.  We explained that Sophie doesn't have a lot of room in her little cage.  She offered up one of her old cages for us to use.  I was so excited, it is more than double Sophie's cage.  It was delivered yesterday morning.  My son went to school, I cleaned the cage and then a quick trip to the Dr's again, yuck!

I promised my son he could help me set up the new cage when I got home from work. 1/2 an hour before bed time.  The plans were made, the cage was clean.  Sophie is moving up in the world to a deluxe apartment in the sky!  Things are looking good.

I come home from work, son gets out of bath, Sophie goes into exercise ball.  We set to work taking apart the old cage and setting up the new.

This is the new cage.  Can you guess what the problem was?

Sophie is transferred to her new home.  Oh what joy, what rapture.  She quickly ran around smelling everything and getting used to the cage.  Then it happened......  she squeezed out between the bars.  What a stinker!

Into the hamster ball she went, replaced everything in the old cage, with a few changes in placements.  Voila, Sophie in her old home again.  Well, we can always try again when I have the money to upgrade her.  Sorry I took the dream away Sophie, but at least you're still alive.  And isn't that all that really matters?

Sophie back in her old studio apartment.

She ran on her wheel for 2 hours after coming home.  I think she was depressed about not getting the new pad. (although most of that is probably due to the fact that she can't escape from her current home)

What have I done?????

So, I think you have all heard from a previous post that I bought my son a hamster.  What have I done? 
I know, doesn't sound that bad right?  Some people don't like rodents in their house, even cute cuddly ones like Sophie. It isn't that.  She is adjusting quite nicely into our home.  She is getting used to us.  She doesn't bite me anymore, as long as I talk quietly to her before trying to pick her up, and we have an agreement: I will leave her alone in the morning (NOT a morning hamster) and she won't be a bitch. (excuse my language there)

Why am I panicking then?  I'm afraid I will kill her.  Don't worry, I'm not planning to kill anyone or anything. (hopefully-soon-to-be-ex can rest better knowing that) The problem comes from my track record.  Every plant I have ever brought into this house has died.  My garden failed miserably.  Both times.  With lots of advise from successful gardeners........  Ok, so we're talking plants, why the panic?

Then I started killing fish.  Again, not on purpose.  It was so sad to see each one of them go.  Yes, we are unlucky with fish.  There was Stacy, Phineas, Ferb, Candice, (can you tell we like Phineas and Ferb in this house?) Perry, Doofenshmirtz, and the latest casualty is Squishy, yes, I love Nemo too.

Love this picture with the reflection on top

I have heard from many people that beta fish are so easy.  People have told me that you don't have to change their water and clean their tanks for a month or more at a time, and they can go up to 3 weeks without being fed.  Really?  These people have been very successful with caring for fish.  I thought they were cruel to go without feeding their fish for 3 weeks.  I thought I was being a more responsible fish owner by doing what was recommended for them.  I guess I was wrong.  Cause mine die.  I am responsible for killing 7 beautiful fish.  We still have Princess, we'll see how long she lasts.

Is it any wonder that with this newest death I am worried for the life and safety of Sophie?  I keep trying to get bigger living entities to take care of and they keep dying on me.  Guess it won't ever be in the cards to get a dog.  I solemnly swear to do everything in my power to make Sophie happy and keep her healthy.  However, I cannot guarantee that it will do any good.  If she doesn't live a full and long hamster life I also promise to never get another animal.  I don't think my psyche can handle more death at my hands.

I'm praying for you Sophie, I really am.

She's too cute to die.......

Live damn you, live!!! 

I need your help

I know this isn't the typical funny ( maybe funny-ish) post I typically post here but as most people who know me will realize, I don't ask for help.  Even when I need it.  However, this is not for me.  This blog is about a little boy named Jeffrey.  He is 3 years old and has a very very serious type of leukemia.  He has been struggling with it for 6 months and is very sick.  He is also a VERY brave little boy.

His mom and dad struggled to have a child, they were blessed with this little boy, now three years later he is fighting for his life.  He doesn't want much, but he loves receiving cards and post cards.  I am asking if anyone would be willing/able to send him a card to make him smile.

This is a picture of Jeffrey before he lost his hair (right before Thanksgiving)  Isn't he cute?

He loves dogs, elephants and giraffes.  They are living at his grandparents house right now, as their house is under construction and he can't be around the dust etc.....

This is the card I made him as well as a giraffe and elephant I had already made.  They are on their way as we speak.  Hoping to make him smile.

I'm not asking people to send gifts, that was my own choice.  But if you could find it in your heart and wallet to send a simple little card or post card, you would make a sick little boy very happy, and me as well.  Thank you and God Bless.

Jeffrey Davis
444 Cape Road
Hollis Maine 04042

Please be gentle!!!!!

I have a wonderful family.  Really I do.........  Remember how my uncle violated me at my brothers wedding?  He was at Thanksgiving dinner, guess what I got? Yeah, I got 3 kisses from him on the mouth, lasting more than 3 seconds each.  Very disturbing.  I know these things only happen with him after he's been drinking, but really, do I need to have such an intimate relationship with my uncle?  I think NOT!  I mean, I know I'm his favorite (only) niece, but really......

But it gets better, I think I get my lack of mental filters from my grandfather.  Yes, I really do.  I remember when I made dinner for him and his girlfriend several years ago. (My grandmother was in a nursing home with Alzheimers at the time) I made this beautiful meal, we all sat down to eat and he felt that was the moment to tell me that his girlfriend  was sleeping at his place most nights.  That's not that bad part, although I really don't need to know anything about his love life.  As far as I'm concerned, my grandparents lost the urge/desire/ability to have sex after their 3rd child was born, just like my parents after my brother came along.  That's just the way it is in my head, can't tell me differently........la la la la la la la la la la la can't hear you!!!!!

Anyway, back to my story: He then proceeded to tell me that although they were sleeping together, that was all they were doing because even though he was taking Viagra, he still couldn't get it up.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    That is an image that is forever burned into my brain much to my eternal regret.  I have tried to erase it, I have tried to replace it, I am not having any luck.

My grandfather moved down to Florida this summer with all intention of dying down there.  Well, his health requires him to have more care than he likes, and the family finally convinced him to move back to Maine.  He is living in a cute little studio apartment in an assisted living facility.  I saw him at Thanksgiving as well, he was quick to tell me the best part of the apartment is the double bed, in case he wants to invite "company" over.  EEEWWWW  I went to visit him the other day.  I mean I really do love him.  He reminisced about his life and told me some stories I had never heard before.  That's my favorite part of visiting with family and elderly.  Hearing these wonderful stories.  He invited me to lunch, but said he had to go to the bathroom first.  Did I mention he has a studio appt?  If you don't know what that means, he has one room with a bathroom attached.  He went to the bathroom, I didn't realize he would leave the door open!  Again, not something I need seared into my brain!

Why do my male family members feel the need to share these things with me?  I mean, I'm open to a lot of things, but I have to admit, I'm delicate in some areas.  So please, from now on, please be gentle.............

Intervention

I think my hamster Sophie needs an intervention.  Every night she gets in her hamster ball. ( we put her in, she doesn't open her cage, climb into the ball and put on the lid herself)  Once in:  The race is on!  She is a little speed demon.  This is not the problem though......  The problem is--I think she's a closet alcoholic.  When in her ball she runs into EVERYTHING!  Seriously, unless she gets lucky with a wide open space (and we don't have many of those) she is hitting something every few inches.  Yes, you heard me right, inches, not feet.
I guess it's good that it doesn't faze here, although if she is drunk, she wouldn't feel it anyway. I'm thinking of getting a few people together for an intervention.  If you know how one is supposed to be run let me know.  I've never been a part of one.  I'm open to any suggestions and help.  Wish me luck.  I hope she is ready to listen and acknowledge she needs help.